my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Wednesday, November 29, 2006
10:42 AM

Feeling better now...

Well..for some wierd reason, I'm feeling a lot better. Guess praying really works. I've gotta thank Joe (my angel who was actually working) for calling me all the way from US...thanks karen baby for the reassurance.

Guess really, I can't do much now...but hope for the best, and I guess prepare for the worst?

Gosh..I'm really tired...surviving on the rest of my natural high. Slept at about close to 3 and woke up before 5. I coulnd't sleep after that. But I managed to do certain things which for some reason made me feel better. I guess you could say I'm letting go of certain parts of my life. =)

Time to start working. Stress is piling up, been neglecting my work because of other issues. Time to pull up my socks.

Renee....YOU CAN DO IT!!! (in all sense of word)

You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love's supposed to be
Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

Whatever will be will be... =)

renzi screams again...

sigh...fcuk me

being sick already + crying = feeling of puking my guts out...

I'm very disgusted with myself...

Nothing's EVER that simple Renee Yang fucking Shiqi. I hate you, Renee. You were all along a coward, irritant, idealist, romantic, worst friend in the fuckin world, worst christian. You might as well been knocked down by a car. You might as well have been drowned when your head was pushed into the water when you were merely 4. You might as well been killed the other time.

Why did you push on? Why???

I hate you, Renee...i really do. I'm fucking disgusted at what you've done and you deserve no less than death. Fuck you and go to hell!

Baby, don't you want me to go
So honey, why don't you beg me to stay for love
And talk the way we used to talk
Till we both know what we've lost
Never say the words we did before
When it was over

Love ain't here anymore
Love ain't here anymore
It's gone away, to a town called yesterday
Love ain't here anymore

Listen, oh listen, I don't wanna let go
So maybe we can change the way we feel for love
And open up the way we did before
Now is the right time and I'm sure
You'd never said the words you did before
Until you knew it was over

REPEAT CHORUS

And when I find a place for me to keep my sweet love
Then I will leave it there forever more
And when I find someone to share, I'll never give up
I will hold and believe that this life leads to more

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006
4:20 PM

I dont remember

I really dont remember us quarrelling so damn hard - much to the point where he gave up. Sigh...my messages last night were as follow

im sorry ken for everything. dont think my sorrys mean much to u but i am. guess i've been assumin too much, but dont give on me now. we'll talk after your exams. we've come this far already. study hard and sory for any pain. ps: jus to let ya know i still do like u alot (hopefully it's not tat one-sided). Good night ken.

Guess it was wrong timin 4 me to say wat i said, too late for all tat because for some reason it's still there sigh anyway good night..hope ya can sleep. pls dont give up

renzi screams again...

I learnt a new word today

fas·tid·i·ous (f-std-s, f-)
adj.

Possessing or displaying careful, meticulous attention to detail.
Difficult to please; exacting.

---

Sigh...seems tat way eh...my situation and everything. Yesterday I shot myself in the foot, not literally, but it still hurt as much as well, the probable situation of me hurting myself in the foot. I hate myself sometimes for all this shit.

You know what, I'm the fucktard now...

renzi screams again...

Monday, November 27, 2006
11:11 PM

it all seems so futile

I reckon the psychological heartache is translating into physical heart discomfort. Thank God nothing's wrong with my heart - so the doctor claims so after like one week, I'll probably be able to go to the gym and sell my soul to the clanging of heavy weights and the bloody-rushing music accompanying my favourite body combat classes.

Hmmm...he doesn't care, so why should I bother? I mean I've been trying my very best but I'm always greeted with cold responses. Am I not worth anything anymore? Does he feel obliged to see me? Does he detest me now?

So many questions, guess I'll have my answers in time to come, when he has the time and when I actually find time to bother him again.

Shucks my fever's comin back. Guess I'll have to sleep it off. Good night world.

renzi screams again...

you're a fucktard

What do all these following fuckin messages mean to you, you prick? They were written by you if you don't realise. Nothing right? Yeah all were just fucking words that swept me away. Words are just words. So much for fucking not wanting to hurt me. You know what, you're hurt me more than ANYONE in my life, my mother doesn't even come close. You made me believe that I could trust you again. When I was at my lowest, I still went further on, stripped myself from all pride, to tell you that I would do ANYTHING for you. I NEVER FUCKIN DID THIS OR WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED DOING THIS FOR ANYONE. What was I greeted with? Hostility and doubt. I'm extremely hurt and some part of me hates you already.

Wht about the times when..
i came back to spore and my mum kept scolding me for it?
i came back forsaking trips with my friends?
i allowed u to do things with me?
i dropped all my friends for you?
i missed certain occasions when you told me not to go?
i came back late at night risking being trashed by my mum?
i kept tellin u tat i loved u...u didn't do shit as well to reciprocate

ALL THESE FOR YOU...fucktard...

No doubt I deserved to be shot for certain acts. But I know I deserve another chance.

You know what I get it...it's all an act, you fuckin asshole. I hate you. You made me believe so many things, and i jus realised that the competitive you probably said all these shit to not lose to lai. It's not about me now...it's about your fucking ego. The ego tht didn't allow you to say things that you so-called wanted to say when we were still together. Your ego that made me insignificant. I was just an instrument, a toy for your fucking inflated ego. Right now, you choose your ego over me.

Yeah maybe all along you knew that I don't deserve you. And you know what...I guess you don't deserve me as well. You win, i lose...

honestly i know nothing i can do will make you want to get back with me it sucks and acept it i guess i will fight against it but i accept it so all i wanna do now is ensure that well you dont get hurt. thats all i can do now. if i can keep you safe then well i will be happy

even if i say i will never hurt you again its wld be quite unbelievably so i will show you. i know you are not ready now. prob i may not be ready now also but well i hope one day maybe you will give us another chance. and till then i will wait and show you my sincerity

...you say you dunn wanna be vulnerable why not, u can be so ard me, i will look after you and comfort u trust me,... i am glad you feel the same way i do. and i am glad you are turning to god for answers. trust God he will help u and give u directions. miss you and hope to see u one day soon. love u.

renzi screams again...

Sigh

wrote this yesterday when the gals came over. I was sick so I couldn't join them. sigh

Hmm Just a short entry because I'm waiting for the girls to shower. I was supposed to play touch rugby but I'm a little sick.

Anyway I had another bawling talk with Mr Elias. It really seems that whatever I do, whatever I say and whatever that I m planning to do and say has no effect on him. He kept saying that he doesn't know – all he knows is he is hurt and it may trickle down (seems like it anyway) to what's happening now, that he wants to get even. Guess my dream is really coming true.

Had a good talk with Terrence yesterday and he did mention certain things:

- Battered wife's syndrome, that I have it. As long as I can have him, I believe it'll turn out better. He says Mr Lai did this to me and now Mr Elias is also doing it. But guess I'm beating up myself more than he is, emotionally that is. He said it hurts all my friends to see me in this state and frankly I think that Yeah,,,, I have not been feeling happy for the longest time.

- How many times have I come home feeling miserable and more importantly, how many times have I felt miserable and ashamed (all negative feelings) after I've met up with Mr Elias. Is it more than the times when I actually feel sad? Yeah…come to think of it, I haven't been happy for the longest time. It's really translating into well, my life. I've been really tired, beating myself up, feeling silly. And the worse thing is, when I did tell him that I was silly, Mr Elias told me, "then don’t do it". I’m really thinking that I’m doin all this for you, for hopes that one day…yeah…we'll be together. Guess it's wrong for me to think that way.

- Have I forgiven myself? I thought I did until…Mr Elias keeps saying that he oculdn't forget well my act. Sigh…

- Terry says I should be strong. Yeah I guess I will. After mourning for one more week, and when I settle things with Mr Elias, I will – be very strong.

Sigh…

--------

Hmmm the following entry was written like....i dunno, last week?

It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!

How true is that! I got the quote from the Break-Up you HAVE TO WATCH IT. That's beside the point. Guess I feel like Jen in the movie. Go watch it to like understand how she feels. How frustrated she is all the time because all she wanted was a little love, affection and maybe appreciation.

Anyway it feels abit different not having Ken around. It feels awkward even. I feel almost to say naked, like something's missing. It's so bad that I think this is one of the main reasons why I have this physical nagging ache at my heart. Everything I do reminds me of him, everything. Even when I want to eat sashimi, I think of him. Xiao long bao's no exception.

I hate killing myself like this and I need to snap out of it soon… 3rd so-called breakup in a year. Something must be terribly wrong with me. Ulgh. My heart feels more achy. FUCKED UP….totally fucked up. Guess one of the consolations that keep me going are my friends - Karen, Susu, Danielle, Jon, Jingxi, Cheng, Keith, Renren, Roger, Kee kee, Gerri, Juls, Rongyang, Alvin, bryan…I tell you without this fantastic bunch (and of course the silent mother), I would have commited suicide already, I kid you not. Well I quote from Carrie (sex and the city) - No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

I'm also still sourcing for the reason or purpose why we're here, I've lost the plot somehow, fallen far away from God and I really need him now.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

renzi screams again...

Friday, November 24, 2006
5:20 PM

DRAINED By Krystal A. Cox©

I tried my best to conquer, I tried my best to win
I thought my mind was powerful, seems its just oblivion
I'm sorry for the burdens I have laid on you
I tried my best to see that our love would be true

I had my friends and loved ones once upon a time
I risked my own sweet life just so you'd be mine
I have my reasons for being with you
I wish I could explain it, I'll try to prove it soon

I used to be so mighty, I used to be so great
but of course when you came around I lost my ruling place.
You will not admit it, as you shut me up,
You are my true copy such mimicking luck

The stars had crossed our paths yours upon mine
or perhaps it was something greater, you'll know in your own time.
And as I lie here weakened by your words
the Almighty in me will repeat itself
before I turn into one of your works,
You always tell me you're the best as you brag and gloat
I see my strength being drained, as a zombie I will mope.
Like for everyone else, I am your true source,
You rely on me, although I'm dumb and weak
I shall show you someday, I will make you see.
And when I do recover, and be the great one I truly am
I will love you forever and ever till the end

renzi screams again...

Thursday, November 23, 2006
6:22 PM

The Dream

The Dream
by Edna St. Vincent Millay

Love, if I weep it will not matter,
And if you laugh I shall not care;
Foolish am I to think about it,
But it is good to feel you there.

Love, in my sleep I dreamed of waking,
White and awful the moonlight reached
Over the floor, and somewhere, somewhere
There was a shutter loose- it screeched!

Swung in the wind- and no wind blowing-
I was afraid and turned to you,
Put out my hand to you for comfort-
And you were gone! Cold as the dew,

Under my hand the moonlight lay!
Love, if you laugh I shall not care,
But if I weep it will not matter-
Ah, it is good to feel you there.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, November 22, 2006
5:18 PM

COMPROMISE - Better bend than break.

I am willing, are you?

renzi screams again...

Monday, November 20, 2006
7:02 PM

if only

now i wish, for any guy to sing me this song, let me be swept off my feet. idealistic eh? fuck fuck fuck

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

renzi screams again...

sigh... coz u give me something

it's all comin back to me now.

i'm really sorry...sigh

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

renzi screams again...

I'm feeling it now

"You say that love is nonsense - I tell you it is no such thing. For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength."
- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918) American Historian

The area around/at my heart feels a bit tender, sore. I really don't know what's wrong. It feels like an aftermath of someone punching me really hard. What I do know is, it parallels how I'm feeling right now, at this very moment - heartache, an emotional heartache that cannot be healed with the exception of death or something drastic.

And I don't know what to do,
Cos I'll never be with you
- James Blunt

renzi screams again...

Sunday, November 19, 2006
5:38 AM

Silly me

You just did a reeally stupid thing.

Silly me for thinking that everything he says on msn is referring to me - remember renzi, his words, that he said that we're just merely friends.

Sigh silly me for first thinking of him yesterday when everyone went back to their respective homes (when i forgot my keys), and sillier (fuckin hell, is there even sucha phrase) me for thinking of him today AGAIN when my stupid door was locked by the latch. Renee Yang Shiqi, you're a slut! And you have no fucking right to call, message him to go to his place. Who the fuck are you, Renzi?? You're a nobody now. And a gal he probably doesn't need to know.

Silly me -again- for thinkin he would be amused by my messages. Who the fuck are u? Anyway even when we were together he never really did show any emotions or watever... hai~ i dun even noe how to phrase this shit now.

GREAT,...our song's on the radio now. Fuck.

Sigh

I jus realised our relationship was based on assumptions. Our apparant foundation was weak to start off. Everything was so...fuzzy and ambiguious. I actually thought when we got together initially that we would breakup before I flew to Oz for the first time. There were no expectations. Well, the only expectation was that I expected him to cheat. HA! How ironic eh? I was already so damn insecure about him - what's there to feel secure about? I was in a relationship when my boyfriend was millions of miles away from me and the only way of feeling intimate with him was through the phone. He also did mention that he cheated before, which made me even more unsure of him. ~~He never really did assure me. Maybe I shouldn't say that.~~ Okayyy...let me rephrase...He never really did let me know that...I dunno, everything that I say wouldn't sound right anyway, fuck. Whenever and whatever I did was greeted by...nothing. He never did say he missed me, especially over SMS-s and even if I did message him more than once, his replies were one-worded or well, lack-lustre. Maybe I was being sensitive. Guess all I asked for was a little more...appreciation I guess. But of course who am I to say now? It's all over.

Screw me over.
Run me over....

I'm dead anyway.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, November 18, 2006
3:29 PM

I deserve it - bitter entry ahead.

(ps: ken, if you do happen to want to read this, my advice is to read it after the exams)

Yeah, many people whom I've spoken to have agreed that I do deserve it, that is how the situation is now. And yes, I do believe in karma - what goes around comes around. BUT I also do feel that I deserve another chance, not because I can say words that I don't mean (like probably what Ken thinks) but because I do realise that I still have feelingsv for you.

Initially, when I broke up with Ken, I thought all hope was lost, that I had to get over him. I thought that since I did him wrong, I should fuck off from his life. I took the chance. We did lay off each other, not see each other and I thought I was on the road to getting over him. After a period of avoiding each other, he decided to pop back into my life - be it messages, meetings, it was abundant. I was quite hesistant because I didn't wanna be a prick in his life, something that caused him distress. However after I severed ties with MrL, I started seeing Ken more and got closer to him. As usual my defences were up but slowly and surely I got accustomed to him and started feeling for him like I did in the past - the more I saw him, the more I wanted to see him.

Of course, he was a busy, busier than me - I thought I should be the one is busy but it turns out that he seemed even more tied up. I started getting jealous, again like the past, and had the girlfriend syndrome (like from the past). One day, he dropped a bombshell, telling me that we were only friends and whatever that I did should be to a boyfriend. I was devastated. He even carelessly said we were merely friends and that I was "not [my] girlfriend anyway".

Like anyone, I turned to my friends, my close friends. One of whom is MrL. I was and still am totally over him but when Ken found out that I hung out with him and a few other friends, he was furious and claimed that if I had considered his feelings, I wouldn't have gone out with MrL, one of Ken's most hated people. In my defence I must say that YOU claimed that I was not your "girlfriend" and merely just a fucking (this is in figurative terms) normal friend. YOU FUCKIN MENTIONED THAT YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD SEE US TOGETHER. YOU SAID THAT!!!

Sigh Ken, sometimes you really confuse me.

And, why did it take so long for you to realise that you couldn't handle the hurt and the fucking fact that I cheated? It's over and I realise I'm wrong. Yeah I take up most of the responsibility for my deeds but I shouldn't be the one who takes the rap for everything? I'm not hinting that you are to blame and I'm really not playing the blame game for the cheating, in this entry at least.

What happened to those messages that you sent, what happened to the phonecalls, what happened to the fiery desparation when we were apart from each other (when I was seeing Lai); and most importantly what happened to all the promises that you showered upon me? Go read them below and tell me that those are lies. If those are lies, I'm even more disappointed. So what, you've been stringing me all along? I've cheated and now it's your turn? Hmm, it has come back to me - that's why I say what goes around comes around.

The wheel is come full circle. (King Lear, Act5 Scene 3 Line 176)

Sigh. I'm disappointed in myself more than anything else. Right now I keep beating myself up. Today on my way back I was tearing again. I must say though, that even though I'm going through this, I want to pick myself up. I need to - I have to. I've been depressed for the longest time and it's affecting me and my work. People tell me to indulge in other fancies. Maybe I will. BUT one thing is for sure, I won't give up without a fight, Ken. Trying is better than NOT trying at all because trying amplifies the fact that there MAY be a possibility that things may happen. Even though you told me to give up hope - I need to do this, for myself at least.

“Don't worry about failure. Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.”

I don't know what I should do yet but I guess I'll know soon. Maybe like what you suggested I should give up seeing my uni friends, stop goin to my second home (the other Ken's) or just plainly keep giving and letting you taking. That is one consideration that I'll have to think about.

Whatever it is, I deserve another chance - because we both cheated. It may be on different levels, but I don't know maybe I am just desperate now.

renzi screams again...

Friday, November 17, 2006
5:16 PM

hahaha silly humpa

u...well...take care...........dun believe those lies that time will heal...

renzi screams again...

do you believe in horoscope

Daily Singles:
It's easy to get caught in the cycle of coulda-woulda-shoulda when it comes to past romances, so make sure that you don't even get started with that kind of thinking. Having faith is critical right now.

renzi screams again...

Jon's the wall today.

Was ranting to him over msn...but stupid jon wasn't around for some reason. I dunno wat to do now. sigh...kill me somebody.

i'm a goner..nobody
dunno whether ure there... was talkin to ken yesterday...and he said we have no hope
he jus said he cannot take the fact tat i cheated on him more than 1 time
i told him the major reason why i stopped seeing lai was because i still liked ken very much...but he insisted that i did it because we couldn't work out, our characters dont match but of course i had to tell ken that our fuckin personalities dont match. i was proud then to tell him i still do love him tat much

renzi screams again...

I deserve it

I deserve it - that's what Karen would probably agree too. Guess sooner or later I've to let go, accept the fact that I've lost him, probably forever. Sigh... I'm extremely depressed now. Fuckin hell. Sigh... Below are the messages I sent to him like yesterday (after I bawled again, yet again...) and today:

For good, sigh everything seems meaningless now. Hope I get run over by a truck. On a more positive note i wish ya get a great gal heh you deserve much better than that horrible slut of your ex girlfriend, wat's her name? nah isn't impt. Oh if ya need any fd i'll arrange for candy to heh yeah.

I'll try. Good night my lost love..haha shit tat sounded very cheezy okok dont disturb ya liao...tata and i'll pray for God to give ya another superb gal

Good morning! hmm so sorry bout everything. Guess the thought of losing ya scares me. guess whatever i say doesn't matter too because i've lose ya alr

And when i puke its not bout losing weight now. It's bout feeling pain i guess. Sorry for everything once again. sigh

sigh

As do i..i'm even more sorry. I shouldn't have even bothered ya after we broke up. I'm sorry.

---

Guess after a while, you'll find a perfect gal for you. It pained me especially when you said i was your one last time. Why didn't you tell me so? Why? Watever it is, I know I don't deserve you and...even though it hurt me to pray tat prayer, I knew I had to pray that for you. Soon you'll be happy again, I know it... and you'll be singing this...

"And when I see the sign
It points one way
The life we used to lead
Everyday

Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block
They're not the same
You're not to blame

From deep inside the tears
I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain
I chose to hide

Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down
Upon my weary eyes
For me I cry

Your name and mine inside
A heart on a wall
Still finds a way to haunt me
Though they're so small

Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down
Upon my weary eyes
For me I cry

(Just walk away Renee)
Walk Away
(Just walk away Renee)
I won't follow you, no
(Just walk away Renee)
I won't follow you no, just walk away
(Just walk away Renee)
Just walk away
(Just walk away)"

I love you Kenneth

renzi screams again...

Thursday, November 16, 2006
2:33 AM

A bulimic-to-be speaking.

this was written last night...

sigh...I only drank a little, but ate a lot. Of course I felt guilty - that's one. Secondly, I just felt like puking, so I purged. It all comes out naturally, well almost. A wee bit of crap, probably from the drink, came out. The second part of my puking caused me to gag and I had this incredibly sharp pain that stabbed my chest. In fact I thought I was going to die there and then, guess I was lucky this time - to survive a sharp thrust within my chest area.

I think I just needed to feel pain somewhere else other than my emotional self. It really hurts, emotionally that is. It's even worse when mhy best friend tells me I should refrain from doing anything because anything that I would do may push him further away. Now, that really scares me. But I've to learn to accept it, or well, psych myself that he will leave me.

I did something else again. While talking to Karen, I coulnd't help but let tears of resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, paranoia, stress, doubt and whatever negative trickle down my worn out face. I wanted and well still do want to call or even message him but he would probably get pissed at me for calling him or get sick of me...watever lah, I can't afford to go to work with puffy eyes yet again. It's embarrassing and it serves as a bitter reminder of how I've been such a wreck.

Fuck, I let my emotions get the better of me.

Maybe I should vomit again and feel my pain physically, rather than emotionally.

Why, Kenneth, why is it so damn hard??

---

Damn it of all days I've to be stuck in the office today - i've got an apt with one client. Sigh...more doubts seem to be clouding my already-warped little mind. Help me God... I really need you now. I can't seem to concentrate and neither can I get him out of my head.

Doubts...they kill, they really do.

Like Karen planted one doubt that didn't cross my mind - why did MrE take so long for it to sink in, for the fact that I cheated? She commented that it was too long a period. Sigh...maybe he was also seeing another girl?

Or Danielle asked "what happened if you found out that he is seeing another girl?"

And hurrah for me because I have extreme doubts. HOWEVER silly karen also agreed that i was warrented.

So am I the silly one ?

Woe is me.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006
8:16 PM

Emotional

I was dying inside to hold you
i couldn't believe what i felt for you
dying inside i was dying inside
but i couldn't bring myself to touch you

"Emotional"

Sometimes I get emotional
Sometimes I do some stupid things
Sometimes I say what I should just keep inside
Sometimes I'm sad about everything
Sometimes I'm mad and break some things
Sorry times 10 but you just got in the way

Don't give up now running away
I won't hurt you sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy, but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional
[fade]

You say I'm just impossible
Totally unpredictable
I'm just a girl get use to it
No big deal
You can't change me why would you try?
I'm no angel but I can make you smile
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy but, sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

Don't give up
I won't hurt you
Oh, sometimes I'm just a pain
And that's the way it is
That's just the way I am

That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy but, sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel oh yeah
That's when I need you
Sometimes I get emotional
[fade]

That's just the way I am
Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy but sometimes I'm just scared you'll leave me
That's when I feel emotional

renzi screams again...

u are sad?

hmmm trying very very very very very (x infinity) to refrain from messaging u. Even though I'm slowly getting used to it (because I have to), it's still extremely hard to not message u.....

indulge in all the vices, renzi...

I actually did almost eveyrthing yesterday...gamble, drink,... haha..oh well.. even after everything...i still thought of u. I had a missed call from some private number, thought it was you but then I mentally slapped myself and told myself not to be silly.

He's just a friend....he is just a friend.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006
11:39 AM

Dunno much...

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geography
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about algebra
Don't know what a slide rule is for.

But I do know that one and one is two,
And if this one could be with you,
What a wonderful world this would be.

Now i don't claim to be an "A" student,
But I'm trying to be.
So maybe by being an "A" student baby
I can win your love for me.

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took.

But I do know that I love you,
And I know that if you love me too,
What a wonderful world this would be.

Latatatatatatahuwaah (history)
Oehwoewoe (biology)
Latatatatatatahuwaah (science book)
Oehwoewoe (French I took)

But I do know that I love you,
And I know that if you love me too,
What a wonderful world this would be.

renzi screams again...

Monday, November 13, 2006
4:57 PM

fucked up weather

yeah..fucked up weather...gloomy, rainy...just like how i'm feeling now....

well since u dun wan me...i shall be a whore to the world!

renzi screams again...

losing hope

ok..this is it?

sigh

renzi screams again...

i dunno wat to say...i dunno wat to do

BUT i guess i've to give you space. tats wat the gals say. guess it's true, i make u sick and u're tired of me. guess this is it eh?

i won't disturb u ok? u get what u want, now u're happy?

renzi screams again...

sigh

wanted to start off the post by sayin that i hate you, but i don't...

just wish i can be run over by something now..ulgh

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006
11:41 PM

clearin my old phone's messages

ulgh can't stand myself for partially blaming mrE for not doing my cfa. I'll state why then..aiyoh fuck it lah. I just feel that I'm or well, had been trying to work around his schedule all the fucking time...talk about sacrifices, I do almost as much as him. Even for my fucking CFA, I just lost the motivation of studying because I wanna spend more time with him. Of course, if he EVER does see this then of course he'll argue and say that I'm hauntingly unreasonable. Maybe I'm finding excuses for myself...bah oh well...fuck this shit:

(before i type my msgs from the old LG phone..guess all i can say is...i should have stayed in oz, it would prob be better. i would be fuckin busy all the time and would only have time at night for you, the best for you right? fuckin hell, i'm damn irritated for nothing. i mean what can i do? you're merely "just a friend" what....and i'm better off being ur gf from oz...i wouldn't be so affected by you and we can both be part timers to each other because we only have time for each other for what, 1 hour each day??? and i really thought if i'm like working i would have less time...guess i was wrong and guess i know to a certain extent i'm unreasonable because firstly i'm only a friend to you AND secondly i SHOULD understand that u're busy and u're a student...)

written in 05

why? no pls pls pls talk talk -wink- pls -wink-

Good morning dear dunno if you are up yet...Did you have a good sleep? Hope you did...

No would rather you have slept happy you got a good rest you seemed tired and snappy yesterday...Do you have your sg line with you?

I am. Sigh i wanna talk more to you and all but everytime i sense you getting sleepy. it discourages me and i know you are tired so i wld rather you sleep

I really want you back but i feel bad to tell you to come back you know

Good morning hmmm just got to school...so sleepy zzz hahah hmm u better study hard for your test then and do well dunn go online ah

Dear good nite going to sleep now unless u dun feel like doing your work and wanna talk some more haha want?

Prob jus still pissed lah just let me be lah think it will pass...

I somehow feel that you wld only tell me what you think i can take and not everything alot of the time. Its ok now. We are friends no hard feelings.

2006

Hmmm ok you got nowhere else better to bring them ah

Sigh sorry. I am so oblivious 2 what u want n need. Sorry I make no excuses. If u want I can come over now and we can talk outside. Just tot u wouldn't want that.

renzi screams again...

vaguely specific

I couldn't sleep. It could be due to the fact that I tried to turn in early OR maybe it's because I was unhappy at someone. Oh well...I guess another sleepless night for me. But for some reason my heart seems to be racing incontrollably - I'm not talking excitement nor nervousness... I really reckon it's some physical condition. Maybe it's because of my incredible caffeine intake. Okay... *mental note to stop drinking so much coffee/tea*

I posted a question to that special someone, who was obviously oblivious to a lot around him/her.

What happens if you found out I (or your special someone) had only one day to live, what would you do?

A ridiculously vague answer followed "I would make it the best day possible for you. If u wanted to spend it with me i wld gladly show you the best day of your life".

1) I don't need textbook answers. Neither do I need you to tell me what I would probably know. I mean IF I am the love of your life, I wouldn't need to inform you that I wanted to spend time with you. I mean, isn't that a given already?? If I random ask ANYONE this question, i mean anyone, the first raw initial answer would probably be the same - to spend time with a loved one. Maybe it's just me to think it's a reaction to WANT to spend it with the someone.

2) Of course you'll try to make it the best day possible - HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY EVER WANT TO MAKE LIFE HELL FOR THE PERSON??? It doesn't make sense... does it! Nono...I want to make it so memorable, I'll try to kill the person earlier, send him/her to the grave earlier..whee?

3) Best day of my life? I'm sure that's a given, as stated above. I want bloody specifics. But of course I can't expect much from you now - we're just friends.

I've come to a conclusion - EVEN THOUGH this may sound absurdly idealistic and hard to fulfill, I shall try to live by it. Yes, I'm coming to it.... When I do get together with someone, I would want to make he (or god forbid, she) feel damn special, and it's not only during our honeymoon stage. I would want to try to live by the notion of "live like you'll never see tomorrow". It may mean that I'll be spontaneous, emotional, combined with a tinge of posessiveness (if there's such a word), and I may expect the same from my partner (which probably means I'd most likely be terribly disappointed) .

Soooooo..fingers crossed for now! =) God, I want a good bloke whom I can always rely on for emotional strength and spiritual guidance! Pleaaaaaaase I want a good bloke!

renzi screams again...

Monday, November 06, 2006
2:47 AM

hmm i'm being silly again

I simply hate to even be so consumed by my own problems. I mean there's so much more out there that I should bother and involve myself in. I shall indulge one more time before I actually call it a day for now, and hopefully I can get to sleep easily and not face my wall and brood again.

I don't understand why MrE is so...concerned...well I mean he always notices J... I know I have no right, in his words he said tat too, to even be jealous. Guess so...even during the wedding that we all attended he was so fixated at J&E's problem...why is that so? I was lucky to have had DR at my right because I needed an avenue to concentrate on, and even (I'm so ashamed to have used DR anyway) to make MrE jealous, but of course to no avail.

Even when I go to church, he doesn't notice. AND HE MESSAGES ME ALL THE STUFF I PAINSTAKINGLY TYPED OUT EARLIER...is he trying to kill me emotionally? Only when I'm not with him, he takes tries his utmost best...what happens now?

I'm just being silly...I know it. I've to snap out of it.

God help me...

renzi screams again...

more messages...what the?

the rest of 2005

i do care lor dear i do and no its not a hassle really..i do appreciate you care and i did return your msgs what all be it later...

you really wanna know why? its cos my gf is going out a guy she likes who is not me. what guy wld be happy bout that?

thanks for telling me that. you know what. i am over you now. really dunno why you always lie to me. i guess you could sense it was over when you did that also

----

1st quarter of 2006

anyway here is a song i wrote 4 u. woke up one morning and the sun wasnt shining. just like the one before. sometimes i wonder if only i had not been angry at you or just shown it not. now there's just darkness and a whole lot of pain. if only i had know then what i know now then now would be the brightest day. what i wouldn't give to turn back time. to right the wrongs. to make amengs. cos now everyday i realise these wrongs can't be made right.

hmm good night pls pls pls take care.from a friend who cares for you. take care.

ok i promise you i will really really try to keep everything between us clean till everything is settled.

i just wanna say this then wont bother you anymore. we shouldnt have did what we did. all i can do is apologise. i was not using you or anything but really can't help it sometimes when i am with you like that. well you make your decision and i will make mine also think we both need to think, really sorry.

i cant the more i think bout it the more i feel i did you wrong. i let my emotions control me... dunno how i can face myself or you. i was not using you or anythiung but still what i did was not right...i can only ask you to forgive me...thats all only with a gf shld i do that kinda stuff...

after dinner lah...sigh..the more i see you the more painful it is.,.. and the worse thing is i wanna see you...

morning sigh..going to sch now...have fun at camp...sigh dunn forget bout me. dunn do anything with him...sigh

dunno my mind just runs wild i guess...sigh you will spend time with him sigh you will forget that i exist...sigh

as much as i really dont want you to go and that it sucks i know you that well you wld definitely go regardless so well have a safe camp

sigh lost my matric card...having probs geting my tut slot.. broke up with someone i love then really pissed her off...alot of stuff..sigh

think you not talkin to me..sigh...i miss you.

you know i dont hate you, i love you. if it will help i can swear to you my intentions are really pure i am not looking to get back together and i know you dont want that but i still must watch out for you so please think it over carefully. it wld really hurt me to see you hurt...

honestly i know nothing i can do will make you want to get back with me it sucks and acept it i guess i will fight against it but i accept it so all i wanna do now is ensure that well you dont get hurt. thats all i can do now. if i can keep you safe then well i will be happy

ok. sorry. hmm you are special to me too i am glad i was the first. honestly you are the first girl i truly loved to.

ok yes....i could...it was even more reinforced when well you cheated on me but i still knew i badly wanted to be with you...so yes i cld have seen myself marrying you but i know you could never see yourself marrying me...maybe thats why i kinda didn't dare tell you....even now i still feel that sigh.

i can guess tt u r afraid 2 open up to me cos i may hurt you again. tt maybe part of y he maybe better than me. u wld think he is less likely to hurt u then me. and i can understand that. even if i say i will never hurt you again its wld be quite unbelievably so i will show you. i know you are not ready now. prob i may not be ready now also but well i hope one day maybe you will give us another chance. and till then i will wait and show you my sincerity

pls tell him if u 2 do get tog that if he ever mistreats you i wont let him off and well if you do ever breakup with him and or realise that you cant forget me pls do come back to me k, my feelings for you will always be here.

sigh i haven't cried this much in quite a while. well pls tell me you will try to be happy and well yeah pls respect yourself k cos you deserve the best.

good nigth princess, going to sleep now. i dont care what you choice is in the future just wanna thank you for making so many of my days in the past. and well i really do earnestly hope and pray for your happiness in the future k i am happy that well at least i had a chance to be part of your life. and well if it is meant to be than it will be, be it now or a few years time but it wasnt then it wasnt be good to yourself and be happy k -grin-

i cant believe what you did. i dunno renee why why why? am i such a horrible boyfriend tell me why? i have always wanted the best for you i have even tried to hurt myself for your happiness why? do you wanna hurt me so much and you know i cant even huate you if i wanted. i still bloody fucking love you whats wrong with me. why tell me why? in the end i was the one who got lied to

how the fuck do you dare blame alco now after what you just said just now bout me and alco and sleeping with another girl. shit you know i trusted you. you dared to say that if i got drunk i wld cheat on you if were ever married.... how dare you. i wld never have done that shit to you u know.

you know when i see u so happy in pics with him in your blog, it really breaks my heart but well at least i know there will be someone to look aft u, emotionally n make ya happy. i know u will say u have been looking aft yourself in oz all the while but well 2 me i will always think u will need someone to look out 4 u emotionally n well as long as u r cared 4 i guess i have 2 be happy for u thats all i can do i guess n not screw up your life sigh

hey just read your blog. be strong. know that i am here for you well until you find someone else k. if you ever need a punching bag or a shoulder to cry on, i am here for you. disregard my feelings for you, take me as a friend only if you want its ok how i feel shld not matter but know that really i will always be here for you, as long as you need it till well someone else can take that place. and pls dunn close yourself off to me really it hurts us both.

just a thought. you have done something that you regret. i have done something that i regret. how bout we cancel them out and call it quits and start anew? k i will start. hi my name is kenneth. we have never met before but i think you look really good and wld like to get to know you better if u wld like. can i have your number miss beautiful? -grin- hah am serious u know

...you say you dunn wanna be vulnerable why not, u can be so ard me, i will look after you and comfort u trust me,... i am glad you feel the same way i do. and i am glad you are turning to god for answers. trust God he will help u and give u directions. miss you and hope to see u one day soon. love u.

---

do u have to let it linger...do u have to, do u have to...do you have to let it linger?

renzi screams again...

Friday, November 03, 2006
2:56 PM

2004 msgs from him - i need to clear my damn phone

i miss you and i think i am addicted to you

be strong my dear hugs

...good night.. even if i were upset doubt you would bother...

dunn let him bother you lah really i help you beat him up later bully my gf

---

How things change eh? Now i'm the bloody sucker who's probably addicted to him. well maybe i never really showed that in the past. I did eventually do so. Lo and behold, I was greeted by sheere deafening silence - the kinda silence which objects commitment and violently screams "don't ever tell me that kinda shit because i'll run ten miles away from u". This is why I refrain from saying things like "i miss you" or even the dreaded three-phrase sentence which typically drives guys away.

I love you

Scary phrase eh? Guess I'm the sucker here and guess I'm destined to be single, alone and unhappy.

Anyway a couple more messages since I just wanna clear my damn phone (it's amazing i'm so sentimental i keep all these shit lovey dovy messages....i'm a fucking slut). I know it's a bit anti-climax but like do I give a flying fuck? ka nee nah... This were written in the first 1/2 a year in 2005:

Hey dear just wanted to say thanks for tonight was nice getting to spend time with you even though you didn't really wanted to club thanks have a good sleep k

Cant really remember haha was quite tired haha if i get baclled back for the second round it will be a mirable haha but as i was walking out i did hear one of them say wow he is good looking haha

so crude..oi sorry if i upset you lah dear... sigh sorry but just so you know you mean alot to me .wink.

I do care lor and i dont need to put in effort i enjoy being with you i had fun with you at the zoo the other day and i am pushing stuff aside to spend time with you on fri sat and next week for you just dont know thats all i do sacrifice but i dont think of it as that cos i have fun with you

you are not like someone i spend time with during free time you know i make time for you and enjoy it but there are times when priorities must be set wat like resting early today and stuff i would think you of all people as my girlfriend would understand this...

why must i look like it ok will look like it more will try my best but really i am not an extremely expressive physical person

if i have done anything in the past or lately that has hurt you or upset you or if my actions are not in tune with whats in my heart...i am sorry dear really sorry i will try harder and hopefullyi can make you more happy sorry if i have not spent enough time with you..will try harder as well dear

hey dear going to sleep now... hope you can get my msgs dunno if they are getting through...hmm anyway happy pre birthday dear

hmmm if you dunn wanna talk then can i at least call to wish my darling a happy birthday later?

guess you dunn wanna talk..just wanted to wish ya a happy birthday...know you dunn like to celebrate it but i still wanna wish my darling anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY dear hope ya have a good day..i just got home dear if ya dunn mind talkin let me know can call karen hp if ya want

haha tot you were not sleepy..have a nap on the plane then dear...have a safe flight dear

renzi screams again...

today, we mourn for the emotional loss of our dear sister

if i do give up then i do give up

what does tat fcking mean? so if you do give up, i'll be fucked? i'll merely be just a used piece of underwear waitin to be dumped.

i'm in mourning.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006
12:04 AM

The People in my Life

There are so many people who have left footprints in my heart are countless. I do think of them from time to time, especially when I reminise...Guess one person who is still doing that. Even though I don't show it, I do feel quite a lot for this person. The latter makes me happy yet unhappy, safe yet vulnerable, and makes me open up to understand myself.

I really don't know what to make of this.

Does this person care? Does this person cringe at the thought of me? What does this person feel about me? Is it good or bad? What will happen to us in the near future? Am I thinking too much? Am I deceiving myself? Am I being crazy here? Why am I so afraid of being so vulnerable, be less in control of myself?

renzi screams again...