my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Monday, May 30, 2005
9:51 PM

it's done

yeap. i'm a happy girl right now =)

yes sometimes i amaze myself at how simplicity satisfies me. even a change of a blogskin makes my day. gosh i'm beginning to see the effects of a no-life loser. hahah. nah i'm not a loser. i know sometimes i think that way. the world's vicious. the world defines a person as a winner or loser. consolations like "everyone's a winner" is total bull. i mean seriously whoever gets consoled by this very phrase? sheesh.

At times i think of myself in a negative light because of the simple word called "comparison". we compare. i have to admit i compare myself to many other people. i don't know why. i'd like to think of myself as an unique individual but i still can't get over the fact that i'm sometimes not good enough. bah.

oh well... too lazy to dive into the specifics or discuss too much about it. i've deviated from the topic again. yeap as i was saying simplicity. it makes me happy sometimes. and it makes me wish i were a child again, with no cares in the world. with no responsibilities and most important with no blatent obstacles placed in front of me.

i wanna run away into the twilight of simplicity again. i want to. can anyone teach me how to do tat?

renzi screams again...

hmmm

i am trying out something. hope it works because it was love at first sight when i saw this blogskin

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
10:47 AM

i truly believe that the phrase in the title describes me.

i'm demoralised.

Just now i was brooding over some issues on the bus and wondered why I hadn't gotten my fine. Lo and behold, i checked my mailbox and found a letter for me. I was slapped with a 150-dollar fine. Whoopie-do-da-daaaaaae.

Really, just my day. I'm so excited for the rest of the day.

Seriously, someone just knock the daylights out of me yeah? Run me over with a car, truck, whatever fancies u.

renzi screams again...

Monday, May 23, 2005
9:36 AM

i miss them, do they miss me?

kenneth- seriously if you tink i dun miss you (dun tink u think tat way though heh) then u've gotta have urself checked. sigh...i miss you to bits. but when it comes to going back for you, i dunno i feel damn selfish to do tat. i've been doing that almost every semester.

aik ming - it's so hard to get u even on the net. i miss the times when we would go to orchard, be stupid. those were the times when we had no care in the world. i hope u're missing me. but i highly doubt so man.

wee - u had a different look/feel when i last met you. i miss talking crap with you, playing with you while working. i was reading ur letter and it brought back so many memories. i miss u.

jon teo - u're in sydney and i'm in melbourne. so near yet so far. i miss you =((( my closest ah-pa. u're closer to me than my own dad. man! tat was a far-fetched comparison. sigh i jus miss you too. hopefully we'll be able to meet up when we go back to spore.

izzy - haha. someone's getting married. i'm happy for u. seirously if u're in bliss i'll be contented. =) well... i miss u as well...

dom - i have no idea why i still do sometimes. i guess it's a diff kinda miss.

sigh.... what's wrong with me today!!/!:?1/!!?!?! 98r$*(#^#^@*(#& FUCK MAN

renzi screams again...

ramblings

who are my friends?

am i asking too much?

who will cry for me if i die?

am i going to say my last few words to the people i love if i die?

who do i love?

who loves me?

i miss so many ppl...
and yes ppl do change but i still believe there's this core that would not change. we're like onions. even though we have many many layers.

argh i really should make up my mind on whether i should go back. damn it.

renzi screams again...

sigh

i'm in one those moods again. i dunno why i'm feeling this way but i am feeling like crap.

could it be because of the lack of sleep? maybe i should attribute to the void of food, good food. sigh...

when i'm in these moods, i can't help but tink about negative thoughts. so much for "think happy thoughts". i need to run. but i need to do my work even more. procrastination isn't helping. ulgh

maybe i should change the song choices in my media player. argh!!!

renzi screams again...

Monday, May 16, 2005
1:56 PM

from a while back

i found this sitting in me lappie for quite some time. i'm going to cut and paste AND clear the mess in my laptop. anyway this was written on the 17th Feb, jus before i came back here.

After dinner, my family decided to drive the uncle to little India, followed by Geylang. Didn’t’ understand why they wanted to do that. Yes there were herds of Indians but didn’t see the point of bringing uncle there. Not to mention the name-calling, I thought it was very unnecessary. Mum sniggering at the Indians. Hey they ARE humans as well.

And what was more unnecessary was the trip to geylang. Dad calling them chickens. Granted that they are somewhat “loose” to do what they are doing but I still felt uncomfortable at the whole family’s comments and just plain condescendence. Making sweeping statements about the women in geylang. Hey I do patronize geylang because of the food so does that make me a “chicken”????

Think the whole family’s too condescending, judgemental and proud.

-----

I also can’t stand dad’s suggestive tones. Ulgh. Like when we passed by the lit up Chinatown with the chicken’s decoration (because it’s the chicken year this year), he kept saying “heyy raynard, check out the cock” ulgh… and mum wasn’t making it better by saying “cocky cocky”

Like what the fuck??

-----

Wow….i’m actually a week away from flying back. Mixed feelings once again, but this time round, I am excited to go back to studying. I don’t wanna go back to work because I just love living a student’s life.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, May 12, 2005
1:52 AM

jealous

i'm so jealous. i noe i sound like some whiney bitch but oh well my blog, my thoughts.

i'm simplifying everything because i'm damn tired now, physically and mentally drained tat is.

bah. jon t kept messaging to see whether janelle was back and whether she was with us. wa. i'll cut off all my genetal organs the day kenneth is so concerned.

seriously i think even if i were to get into an accident, or when i get raped, or just completely disappear from the face of the earth, he wouldn't bother.

i realised my previous and current bfs were/are like that- the easy-going, or can't-be-bothered sort. i choose the latter.

aRghHHh... damn it. i don't know why i'm so affected.

even if kenneth reprimands me for not telling him all this shit, he would
a) say i tink too much
b) say "like you care so much about me"

if only he knew, if only...

sigh...FUCK THE WORLD!

renzi screams again...

Saturday, May 07, 2005
10:54 PM

my stroll

after yum cha with the peeps (kee, winson, terrence, viv, susu, yicheng, jan), i decided to go for a stroll. it was prob because we passed by the field when terrence sent us back.

yicheng and i walked to the field. it was bustling with excitement and activity. it felt different as we walked around the field. it could be that i was jus used to utilising the track and nothing else. as i walked one round, i took some photos of the people playing rugby, kids playing around, and families which came to support their loved ones. the scene jus made me realise wat singapore, or well wat a majority of singaporeans lack, activities like that to bind people together, that bring family closer. i mean there was an air of serenity and ease, which lacked tension. what happened to family time? to spending quality time and not just following a routine and monotony of doing things for the sake of it.

they peeps weere enjoying themselves. u could see it in their faces. the glow on their faces, hard to find in spore.

Upon looking at that, i actually appreciated what was around me. i wanted to stay for longer but i guess i was with cheng, so i decided to walk home with her. i want to do this again...

next week, next week...=)

renzi screams again...