my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Thursday, September 30, 2004
10:47 PM

boy am i so glad

i'm just so glad for friends and loved ones who care for me and love me for who i am. i'm grateful for Kenneth, Karen, Alvina and Jean. These four people are my most treasured friends i can even find. They are my pillars of strength, my support and my hope.

i thank God for Karen because she has always been the bitchy gal who isn't afriad of telling me off, and doesn't sugar coat. even though she does that i know she would always stand up for me no matter how evil, bitchy i am. also she is a darling and often reminds me about the simple things in life. i really thank God she is there. we've been through so much even though we have only been friends so such a short time.

Jean...many call her mean jean but i'm still her friend. why? because i know she loves me and cares for me. she's my sis-in-christ who always is worried for me, and i know she prays for me from time to time. i am grateful i have such a godly galfriend and i'm glad for her honesty sometimes because what the world is lacking of is that. and i foresee us in the future jus sipping tea and bitching and doing whatever together. i love her so much

alvina...my housemate, my gem. i'm soo glad i am her housemate. we clicked this year for some reason and the dynamics between us is unstoppable. i'm soo thankful to have her as a support. being in australia is quite daunting sometimes and she makes life so easy-going for me. i love her soo much. i shared quite a bit with her this year and she is living proof that you don't have to know someone for long to know so much about her. =)

kenneth. so many things to say yet...i think i shouldn't at this point in time. i guess i love him and yet feel like wringing his neck at the same time. i always dun dare say i love him because sometimes he just doesn't show that he loves me, guess i feel a little threatened. but i really do. his patience never fails to touch me and his stupidity sometimes just makes me laugh.

sigh..i really love you four and ... i'm so glad i have the four of you.

~wish upon a star, ***renzi (it's 10.57pm)

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 24, 2004
2:22 PM

hmmzz

well...i can't believe what she implied about me, childish? oh well if she insists. sometimes i jus noe it's alright to talk and bitch on the web, especially when ppl are reading it, anyway she's an exhibitionist as well. fancy calling the kettle black. tsk tsk...

hey you of all ppl...whine and talk also lor...so dun call me names. sometimes gals...tsk tsk... i'm included of course, are jus...unbelievable. tsk tsk..

since well you call ppl names, unkind ones i must add, why must i be "considerate" that's incredulous!!! =) oh well...some ppl will learn somehow. *shrug*

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
8:53 AM

an afterthought

maybe i'm just being judgemental and unreasonable. =) oh well i know i have too much pride to tell him, i mean even if i do tell jon, what happens after that?

hmm jus thought of kenneth. got alot of thoughts about him. aikz..

time to check on out of here

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, September 21, 2004
10:29 PM

hmm friends

they come and go do they? but well it's hard to one friend flit to another friend just like that. but that's life. it comes n goes, IN A FLASH. i'm not saying that i'm in any position to be selfish but it's quite obvious how much you're hanging out with her lor. oh well.

like what i said in my previous entry , the ball is always in ur court. all well most of my friends' courts. it's just how they want to hit it, catch it or miss it. well well maybe tat's why i want to go back home to just work myself silly and not tink and entertain stupid thoughts like these. i like to escape.

well jon... you can do watever you want but remember me. even if u have janelle and even if you feel that you can approach her more than you can approach me, just fucking have the balls to tell me. =)

i've done my two cents worth for today, again. time to bathe and do something more constructive than writing my blog. PHEE!

renzi screams again...

Sunday, September 19, 2004
9:36 PM

a letter

dear cheryl,

how are you? how's the weather in russia?

enough of the pleasantries. well i don't have much to ask you other than the 'terrorist attack' and the weather. isn't that sad? i mean i've long wanted to make it up. and don't get me wrong. i'm not being patronising. seriously i've had enough of that in real life. but i really genuinely want to ask how you are. i know i haven't been the best cousin and i noe it sounds wierd to even recieve a letter (thru a blog) you must be surrpised or even indifferent but PLEASE DO NOT just scoff at this letter. please do not, i stress again, see this as a form of patronism. i'm genuine and i really want you to hear me out.

i may be too late to write this but i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not making the effort to talk to you. i was stupid childish and foolish. i am also sorry for not talking to you online.

i don't know where i'm headed or heading but i just want us to be friends. i really hope i'ts not too late. my dear cousin, please forgive me. i really want us to have things in common. i really wish we could be like when we're younger. i know you may argue that things have changed, but one thing hasn't changed- the fact that we're cousins, we're related. and hear this...

i love you...

it's very hard to say this and it takes a lot of pride. i'm crying as i'm writing this. please please take this seriously. beccause i am too. i am even looking for places to learn how to speak russian.

i don't know how to end this letter but maybe i'll end off by urging you to reply to this letter. it hurtrs to even get mono-syllabic words from you. i'm trying now, i hope it's not too late. please reply. take your time but reply...

take care over there. it's quite cold...15C the last i checked (your website). keep warm ok? =)

Love,Renee Yang.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, September 11, 2004
2:36 AM

it's very hard indeed

yeap...it's hard to look on the bright side, it's hard not to be paranoid, it's hard to smile. i'm in dire need of a little hugging, and affection. why isn't kenneth like tt? or am i asking too much??

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 10, 2004
2:09 PM

everyone's irritating me.

fuck lah...every little thing is irritating me. some of which i can fairly say it's valid, some...hmm..maybe it's pms...

=(

anyway yvonne asked me again. and she even sms-ed me saying"hie..you intersted to run for gen sec? i wil run n mgt resign after last bash" doesn't fucking show that we practive what we preach. come on we keep[ telling and reminding the gen comm upteeem times to not regret and stufff....and when you do this, you're not setting an example lor..

alot of things i dont' agree..i told yvonne. think she realised that. sghe'd better.

alot of typos but i can't be bothered. fuck the world man.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, September 09, 2004
10:47 AM

let's stroke my ego shall we? =)

well i think i've been too hard on myself lately. maybe i should do something diff. i shud jus try to tink of good points (and there will be no BUTs anywhere...hehe)

1) i'm a listener... that would help for a lot of ppl. i tink at this age where there's just so much hurt and pain, ppl need listening ears. they don't need advice. well i noe i can't give advice but listening is more than enough.

2) given a task, if i like it i'll take pride in it and do it the best i can

3) given a task, even if i don't like it, somehow i'll grow to like it. maybe i do look at the bright side of things. things are not that bad...

4) i'm efficient: yeap surprised myself. i tink i am. given a deadline. i work towards that. although it's quite last minute. er... i also think it depends whether it's 2 or 3

5) i command respect from quite a few. that says something already... =)

6) i adapt to situations well. i tink i do. esp when it comes to blending into the environment in workin. i've done that not once not twice but..i can't remember how many times. let's see.... wos, lux, gk goh, starbucks, kelly, std chartered...yeapzz...that's enough to say.

7) i am able to ask if i dunno what's going on (willing to learn)

8) damn blur someimtes (not that i'm acting ok...but it provides comic relief)

hahah can't tink of anything else...got work in my head..oh well..enough said...work beckons! (argh stupoid computer is so slow again...f man)

renzi screams again...

a mild fantasy

i've always wondered how some guys can love..maybe i shouldn't stereotype. i always wonder how some people can love someone and not let go even though circumstances tell u that it's impossible. for example wee..and oh take dr for example who liked me when i was sec 2 to j1(i think)? that was long...but do people love for the sake of loving? are they clinging on to a string of hope which may cause them to fall so hard?

i see some people around me who have people who are hard up on them. yeah kenneth would prob call them suckers but... wow... i wonder if *choy* i break up with ken, would he be like that...? or would he immediately flit to another gal. *shiver*

hmm..no guys like me now. i jus wish well someone would like me or something. hahah yes i sound desperate but it's true i tink =p i noe this sound SOOO naive but i equate someone liking me to me having a good personality. if no one likes me...then..? work it out..aikz! my personality sucks!

alas, the screwed up mind screams again..

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, September 08, 2004
1:36 PM

i don't respect you...

when you complain so much and yet do so little. when you lament that life isn't working well for you, your life, your love life, you get the drift. maybe it's time to rise up to the occasion. to do your fucking chores, to listen and be less of a blabbermouth, not to wallow in self pity, to have respect for others, to be more selfless, less selfish. AND i wun forget to be more tactful. maybe that will help.

complaining and not working on yourself doesn't help. fuck do something man! wallowing in self pity each day just makes you more of a wuss. rise up to the occasion. i remember a loved one telling me that "you get what you deserve", this certainly applies to you. so fucking do somethin and stop moping around! fuck!

renzi screams again...

friendship is like gambing...

dont youu tink so?

anyway i wonder who reads this damn blog. if it's ren ren..SAY HI!!! if not...give me a shout out will ya!~

anywaz..i feel bloody cheated....no class today..damn it...traval all teh way to berwick

renzi screams again...

Monday, September 06, 2004
1:09 PM

screw you..

well i dunno why i even make myself quite affected by what you say. you said i didn't fucking put in any effort, shove that up your tiny arse i tell you.

i asked you to come have dinner with me, you ignored me.
i msged you but no replies were sent.
and i fuckin didn't get ur calls. so screw you

renzi screams again...

Sunday, September 05, 2004
10:34 AM

of course i remember

yes dear i do remember our anniversary =)

hahah well jus had a good chat with you yesterday. just want to really thank God for bringing u into my life. it's amazing how you are always here for me, how you always take so much shit from me, without complaining that much. i jus love you for it.

you made my day yesterday *muakz*

(hahah sounds very wierd because no one reads this...hehe)

renzi screams again...

Saturday, September 04, 2004
12:40 PM

why?

why are you with me? if i'm such a disappointment, why are u still with me? i've always been disappointing you...sigh...and well i've been a disappointment to myself also..sigh..

when i say i love you, i noe u're skeptical...so how? i mean i've tried, i've put in more effort this semester than any of the other semesters combined. when i say i have work, you're upset. hey dear...i really do have work. sigh

renzi screams again...

ouch

u know wat.... wanted to like wish u happy anniversary n stuff... but really dissapointed.... u didnt even remember n on top of it well u sigh u really dissapointed me.... well talk to u some other time i guess nite

OUCH..what makes you think that i forgot our anniversary. sigh. if i didn't wish u when i was talkin on the phone, doesn't mean that i forgot. fuck lah... sigh dear... what am i to do?? u sound so angry at me. i really am sorry.

renzi screams again...

once in a lifetime

well today i did a little work in berwick, got cheated by the stupid lecturer because he was sick (and i travelled from clayton to berwick, not like i have a car )(#$#*(@&$@&#(*&@( ).

anyway stayed at home, compiled stuff and =) went for zul's surprise birthday party. =) heheh amazing how the birthday boy was actually surprising us rather thatn....well him.

we had a few drinks, i made alvina drink so much in the guessing games, and ....highlights-->the guys had to wear make up and skirts because we had a bet with them and lost. they lost in pictionary by the way. losers!!!!! hahahahah .... i was in charge of the blush. man! i think i did a good job. shall show some photos in my next entry.

2nd highlight--> alvina and myself came in our undies on our heads. btw it's clean!

3rd--> smoked weed. yawn...

okayhzz.... yah yah..bad gal, whatever~ i'm so sick and tired of ppl dictating my life. fuck..

okay...time to go...

it's going to be 5am, it's late already...and i'm going to call ken.....

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 03, 2004
12:00 PM

i feel lost

i really do feel lost. i just spoke to gary, the PR person to correspond and i think i can't do a minor in PR. sighness. i hate this. i feel so lost and it made me think once again, am i always this fickle, am i always indecisive? shucks man.

i also started to think and question what i wanted to do when i graduate. i couldn't find any answer. i started to ponder even harder and realised, i am a failure. what am i doing here in melbourne, wasting my parents' hard-earned money when i don't even know what i fucking want.

i really envy people who can actually plan out what they want to do for their lives already. it's amazing and i take my hat off them. so what do you want to do renee? live life to the fullest??? think and think very hard again.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, September 02, 2004
11:06 PM

i've to come to terms with this soon...

i'm not too sure whether kenneth did make sense in his analysis about me being jealous of my bro. i really dunno but if i'm supressing it, isn't it good in a sense? even if i come to terms with it, what can it do? how does it help? it doesn't change anything. my brother will still be my brother. i can't turn back time and go back to when i was 13 and still an only child. (mAN! that was years ago...)

sighness...

and another issue that i keep thinking about is... kenneth and my paranoia. it gets to me sometimes but i can't seem to concentrate on other things, tasks at hand. it's so ironic that i did something like that to him, and he's still so forgiving. why?? why can't he scold me? or ignore me for a while, or even hurt me...? i can't forgive myself...

renzi screams again...

what has become of you renee??

Alvina pointed out to me yesterday that… it’s become a trend that people are in retrospective moods. Well I can’t really agree with her about that BUT one thing I’m certain, close to 80% of my friends are feeling down. Why is that so?? Some are depressed, some are being overdramatic, some upset… why God?? I feel very bad when I see them like that. I wish I could do something… I hate seeing people around, esp my friends feeling so sad. Only thing I can do is to be there for them. But how do I strike a balance?? How do I cope with my work and yet at the same time be there for them? I’ve already done so badly for each semester… sigh

And I feel that I haven’t been that a good friend to anyone. Fuck. What’s wrong with me? I used to be so approachable. Now everyone seems to ignore my presence, and ignore my existence. I know I’m blowing a mountain out of a molehill. But I feel I’m justified to say that…

What’s wrong with you renee??? What has become of you??? Fuck lah…

renzi screams again...

sianz

don't know why i'm feeling down. maybe because everyone's being sad, depressed and upset. and it's starting to get to me. man!

anyway i've got work to do... jus a thought... is it better to love than be loved, because when u love someone you get to experience a myrid of emotions?

and like many songs go...if u love some one u've gotta set her free? i think that's bullshit...

oh well

renzi screams again...