dum dee dum
no title for it, no purpose to put any title anyway...
=) for some reason even though SOOO much has happened in a span of less than a week both in spore and melbourne, i'm optimistic. it's kinda scaring me. but there will always be some silver lining somehow.
i wish some of my friends can see or yearn to see some form of light at the end of the tunnel...
hmmm...was thinking about a couple of issues as well, that i highlighted in my other
blog. one of which is my housemate. hmm not too sure whether he'd take offence at what i hinted but i dun really give two hoots. ken says "it's going to be only one more sem"...i sure hope so. i dun normally see him nowadays anyway. the only time i hear him is his footsteps (which is so rare because he's prob at his gf's) or...the time when they are bonking (i shiver to even say it out loud). oh well...
tat stubborn fool. i hope he realises the foolishness and stubborn nature that he has in him. i hear so many things but yet i can't say anything. i dun wish to highlight it to him anyway. why should i? yeah shucks i'm rambling again. but oh well..it's his life. i'm not close to him anymore.
so how far should a friend go to tell a friend about his/her wrongdoins? should the friend even do it? should the friend highlight details without expecting anything?
i wonder...
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, July 26, 2005
9:50 AM
tired, emotional but as ironic as it may sound, calm
hmm no reason for this post. just feeling a bit uncertain.
i'm uncertain about myself, in general. this pertains to my character, my walk with God, my self-criticisms, my view on many issues, my procrastinating nature, my future with...him, my future (job-wise)....
well well, even though it may be quite daunting to jog towards another chapter in my life, and i'm not sure about so many details, factors, i guess all i can say is i'm embracing wat's in front of me and am slowly trying to adapt to sprinting ahead.
i will not fall, and i will not be scared.
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, July 24, 2005
7:58 AM
a long letter...
hmmm...dunno whether u've read the other email...
seems like it doesn't matter to u too but either ways i tink i would like to tell you about something.
please note that you should read this when u're awake or yeah...u noe wat i mean. u seem oblivious to me all the time.
sigh...
it is my last night. and i really didn't mind going out or hanging out with the peeps from church. but what urked me was...when you and jean were damn chummy. u may argue that i'm being oversensitive but come on jus look around u or maybe ask the peeps, or even ask a bystander who doesn't noe ANY of us and they would prob think u two are a couple.
by the way you guys were teasing each other, by the ways you guys were sharin photos, by the way you guys were sms-ing, by the way she leaned against you.
am i justified to say tat??
i felt damn left out. you conveniently put your hand indirectly on jean's lap (it was in between a pillow) but come on...i have to say i was jealous. i dunno whether you do this to all ur galfriends i really dun wanna noe but in front of me???
you take photos with her you smile, and with me you give stupid faces. you oblige to her requests wat about your fucking galfriend? wait...do you even regard me as your girlfriend? OR...hmm the irony of it all..i'm jus as wat i asked, jus a fucking girl-friend.
i know i sound damn harsh but it jus made me even more irritated that ONLY when you realised that i'm not talking, that i moved to the floor that you actually bothered to talk to me, and try to pacify me. how sensitive.
and how and wat a way to spend my last night with my boyfriend. really. i didn't join charms for you, i didn't do so much for you. in relationships dont u tink we sacrifice? i tink i've done so...maybe you have. monetary-wise i'm sure you have but maybe i'm aksing for more. maybe i'm being unreasonable.
MAYBE you should tell me how you feel. you haven't done it for so long. you always sigh. i tell you most of the time how i feel (when you convienientely say "a penny for your thoghts") but when i ask you, you say nothing. sometimes i dun even dare to ask you for fear i'm pushin too much. but why do i fear so much?
why do i fear so much? seriously. i fear for you when you gave me an open-ended SMS about an emergency. i cried and i was so worried. i mean a simple SMS could have done the trick.
why do i fear so much? i fear that once we stop having sex "too much" you'll lose feelings for me. tat's wat u said before that is why i offer myself like a cheap slut to you so many a time.
why do i fear so much? i fear that one day you'll explode because of the amount of boys i go out with, sometimes trying to make you jealous. (i noe i am walking on thin ice but sometimes i try to gain attention tat way)
why??? tell me why.
everytime i pray i always ask God to protect my heart because i can't afford to get hurt again. i dun wanna get hurt again. i always look for certainty and i need to be in control. but when it comes to this r/s really i'm always at a loss.
so wat should i do now?
(wow if u've finished reading everything..give yourself a pat on the back. think it's apretty long email. i'm sorry if i've been harsh..but now i've finally FINALLY gotten round to telling you everything. maybe today, wat happened earlier before gab's matter was a good thing, )
i dun foresee you replying so..yeah...well jus wanted to let you noe.
and please note that i still do love you.
ps: you may take your parents' love and even God's love for granted but...pleaseeeeeee dun break my little heart, no matter how strong i look, by taking me for granted.
from your selfish girlfriend,
renee yang shiqi
renzi screams again...
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why?
why do others bother about me more than you do? you really care don't you. you saY you do but but in actions i always seee othwewise. so what do i say? what do i see? what do i want to see? what do i choose to see?
fuck you.
renzi screams again...
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Thursday, July 21, 2005
3:24 PM
i'm losing faith...
hmm...firstly this has nothing to do with today.
well.. i have actually told you mostly wat i wanted to tell you, or wat has been on my mind lately. jus wanted to tell you more i guess.
wanted to ask a few questions...
was talking to rencong the other day and he was telling me that if you like the other party enough, you wouldn't mind spending time with the person or wouldn't mind seeing the other part everyday. this may apply now but i just wanted to ask, wat happens if i come back for good? well please answer with honesty. i just wanna know your thoughts about it.
why do u want me to come back? hmm seems to me like sometimes you take me for granted. maybe i do that in aus. i dunno but i can never seem to be happy enough about the amt of time you spend with me? maybe i considered one other factor, and tat is i've only 3 weeks but doesn't seem like you bother.
sigh...dunno jus tot i might wanna ask u these questions. i can't remember the rest.
and one more last thing. sorry i'm acting like some you may call "psycho" bitchy galfriend but hey...i'll only be here for another mere few days. dun tink you notice. i thought i might remind you.
maybe a little attention would help. maybe your messages should be more...(how do i put it?) less short ended? sigh...yeah...
tat's prob about it.
regards,renee..(remember me?)
renzi screams again...
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Wednesday, July 20, 2005
4:13 AM
for the first time she speaks
well after a long while i guess she couldn't take it. she waited for me to come home and confronted me.
i'm so glad i wasn't drunk or not in a state to look at her in the eye.
it broke my heart to see the hurt in her red eyes but i really couldn't bring myself to tell her anything when she pushed me for answers, for why i treat my family with resentment, for why i dislike staying at home, for just 'hate' as she puts it.
how am i supposed to tell her? what am i supposed to say? was it a bad move to jus keep quiet. i've always been. i've always been...
i've been secretive but hey i've let you in on secrets and you put me down by just a laugh. tat was important to me then.
i've introduced ken to the family but u treat him like you already diun like him. so wat am i supposed to do? subject him to more torturous silent moments from the family?
i've already expressed some of my resentment in my email a while back but you responded as though as you read everything differently, your interpretation was so shockingly differnt.
i've tried and i dunno whther i should try again. maybe patience pays off. however at this point of time, i really need to be by myself....
maybe i should jus break up with ken too eh?
(since i'm so screwed up)
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, July 19, 2005
1:38 PM
HA!
really i do wanna spend time with you and am happy you are back
seriously???
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
7:47 PM
fleeting emotions
i jus realise that i'm very emotional. every little thing affects me. even the wreckage that i happened to pass by one morning got me slightly affected. sigh.
hahah doesn't take a wise crack to know that i'm emotional i think. well if i read my own entries i would have that fact reiterateed and slapped across my face.
so does supressing your emotions help? no. in my opinion it doesn't but it helps in making you feel better for the time being. well one would always argue about the complexity of doing so, about pushing your feelings aside but for me, i just can't help it. since i was young i was 'trained' to just listen and not talk back. everytime i disobeyed an 'order' (man this is sounding very much like the army) i would get the most frightening glare from my mum that would more often than not put me to tears EASILY.
sigh...
oh well...doesn't help that i've become what i am now eh? but what can be done? i guess by using avenues like blogging and exercising i'm trying to combat my fluctuating moods.
so now...it's back to being a pretender.
(which kinds reminds me of a song...yes i'm a great pretenderrrr whoo whooo...)
renzi screams again...
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
10:37 AM
mothers of the world unite
seriously, wats with mums these days?
jean's getting shit now, so i can't come over until later.
i on the other hand got shit as well. tat woman threw me darts of accusations. bah...fuck man. i merely asked for my ocbc account book because i dun have enough money. SORRY LAH u dun give me money wat so who do i get money from??? then she got damn bloody pissed. said i spent too much money.
seriously....AND wat made it worse was when she came knocking at my door and questioned why i showed her "that face" AND asked me whether i was going to "show anyone [my] bank book" i was like WTF? firstly..it doesn't concern her, secondly why would i friggin show anyone my account book when i dun have shit in that fucking bank??she's jus scared i'll get cheated. if only she knew ken has been nice enough to pay for so much, like my fucking meals and transportation (taxi rides).
fuck man.
FUCK!!! arggh...tat's why i dun wanna come back to this other wretched hell-hole.
i dun need unnecessary shit from her like tat. i'm supposed to be enjoying myself.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! argh!!!!
renzi screams again...
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what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s
what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)
click below to
contact me
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