my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Thursday, March 24, 2005
4:45 PM

empty

my life is empty. somehow although i'm contented with most things around me, i still feel empty, lost. what's the use of studying? of working? yeah to get shitloads of money. but is that all we're striving for? for money?

what happened to love, friendship, and everything that should be more important? family? idealistic me again. but true. society tells us to earn money, gain status, make friends with colleague. wat about what we want? what about the inate tendencies that we all used to have when we're much younger??

sigh...

i dun wanna grow up. i'm going to be 22 next week. it's too fast. i wanna turn back time. i wanna find my souce of emptiness. i wanna stop time to tink about what i wan... help!~

renzi screams again...

Sunday, March 20, 2005
9:41 PM

life, oh life...

sometimes i wonder what happens when we let go, or happen to overlook the multiple chances that slap us in the face. do we settle for second best? or worse, third or fourth?

i was just thinking about it and it struck me that we will never know. a person whom may never seem to be a person whom you can trust, and talk to may actually turn out to be a bosom buddy, or even a life-long partner (i'm referring to all sorts of r/s, be it friendships or watever).

all it takes is jus a little bit of effort, and maybe at times, sacrifices. but does that mean compromising? compromising what could be your principles, morals, and criteria. should we compromise? should we give chances?

well the answer, up to the individual. but i'm glad i did give leeway to some aspects of my life. i know i've compromised in all sense of the word but it has made me who i am (although i sound like i took this from a textbook). but as ideal as it may sound, it allows you to be a person. as paradoxical as it may sound, this is life.

and right now, i'm savouring every bit of it =)

renzi screams again...

Friday, March 18, 2005
9:45 AM

reply to my gals

YOU KNOW WHAT? hahaha i've been waiting for all your emails for so long. hehehe i haven't really been checking my hotmail becuse they're all junk right now. lazy to look through them. so so sorry for not replying that quickly.

well...i jus finished running. hehe i'm actually exercising everyday. whooo...i hope i can keep it up... and guess wat?? HAHAHHAHAHAHA in exactly 1 week's time, i'll be flying down to NZ in style. hehe i'm actually meeting karen (friend from jc) in auckland. i'll be touring NZ for a week. and maybe influencing that stupid gal to eat properly. she's too lazy to eat now, think she's surviving on bread alone. well even the the bible says "man shall not live by bread alone" HAHAHAHAHHA

ok...enough nonsense. well for my updates....

i've been pretty caught up with work. BUT i'm doing my readings regualrly...so it's all good =) and i've been cooking and eating and more imptly, saving money. i'm so proud of myself *pat on the back* so proud of myself that i'm going for a yum cha session today with.... (this combination is weird but WHATEVER) christie, kee hung, winson, chris, and rongyao. hahaha...

yeah....may play badminton at night with jiarong and the rest. hahah the other day, janelle and myself were stranded in berwick because it was a STUPID PUBLIC HOLIDAY (yesh...monash students still have to trudge their lazy arses to school even though it's a hol). annndddd..... janelle had to call jiarong (she was desperate at tt pt in time) to pick us up because she had classes in clayton. sheesh.we didn't actually miss the shuttle service but some idiots are considerate enough to put their bags to "reserve" their seats and scurry off to do their own business. ulgh. kids noawadays...

ahhh... hhehe went for moomba again,...but it was boring. didn't sit any rides, jus walked round with yvonne and christie. jus my date with them. hahaha good time i guess. gotta know them and all...

hmmm last thing before i rush down to the gym is....danny. i'm not complaining about him. he's not here enough in the house for me to bitch about him. jus kinda concerned for him. well not too sure whether gerard has mentioned anything to oakz but this is my opinion. well he's very stressed right now because of the several commitments. work, muiss, his project, school...

that boy has been complaining to me, (tink he must be complaining to allan and gerard alot too). he did mention that his execs are not happy with him that he does things himself and that they "don't trust [him]" but seriously, it's a team thing. like what kee hung mentioned a while back, it's like a "one man show" i knew this would happen. it's not about trust issues. it's more of a team effort. quite worried for the man. but i dun pity him. as harsh as it may sound, he brought it upon himself. and he keeps saying (i'm sure alvina would be able to attest to this) that (something along the lines, dun quote me on this) "wah lao...if they keep pressurising me, i'll just quit" ORRRR "if they keep bugging me, i'll ask them to take over my life" SHEESH> how old are u??? i'm so sorry, this ended up like bitching but u're already so old, take some responsibility. how long can u keep threatening ppl like that. i feel kinda terrorised for the execs.

enough for the day. well..time to go. i can't miss my bus..heheh

well take care and ...I LOVEYOU GUYS!!!

oakz- jia you!!! good luck for any of ur interviews!!!!

charms- hehe...well....i tink i just emailed u a reply regarding that flower gal. dunno her but....she isn't as anonymous as she claims to be i reckon.

alv- i miss u!!!!!!!! hahaha whenever i go to sufei's (ur former room) room i feel kinda sad. oh well..life goes on....so how's work? which clients are u handling if u dun mind me asking?

ta ta!!!

renzi

renzi screams again...

Thursday, March 17, 2005
1:05 PM

i wish i wish i wish...!!!

sometimes you learn through various sources about how blissful a person's life is, or how he/she is doing so well, nothing can stop them. well i somehow always come across such situations.

after hearing/reading about it, i'll go "i wish...." or "if only..." guess one can never be too satisfied. more often than not, i lament about how life could be better. but i guess i'm quite fortunate. actually i'm VERY fortunate. i may whine about how my family's fucked up, or how much work i have, or just plain yucky food in front of me. however i know that i am blessed.

no i'm not talking about anything spiritual here. but indeed i'm blessed.

i'm grateful that i've a family. as evil as it may sound, that means i get pocket money, for now.

i'm also grateful that i have something to do. on the top of my head, it can be seen in two ways. one, i'm physically and mentally able enough to actually get things done. AND...two, i've actually something to kill time. some in the world actually wait for time to kill them. i've an advantage in some sense.

i'm happy that i have food on my table. more often than not, we waste food, or we complain about the food, its quality. but many in the world don't have anything to eat. that's why i caned my bro the other time.

well...one can't have everything in the world. no diamond no car =) but i'm fine. i'll live. i know i sound like i'm consoling myself but hey i've riches in many other aspects and i'm fine =)

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005
11:47 PM

have u ever

have u ever wondered how things will be like if you took a right turn instead of a left? or maybe jus left turn instead of coming to a complete halt?

i have.

tat is figurative i noe. i was just thinking about how a decision, no matter how minute it is, can change circumstances in a swift blink of an eye. i've witnessed that almost everyday i'm sure, maybe not even knowing it. i myself am a testament to my decisions. you are too. scary isn't it?

what would happen to me if i did listen to mum and had gone to KC instead of stayin in geylang methodist? whoo big difference. even at that age, that decision to defy my mum landed me great friendships, and memorable moments. tat's only one instance which i thought of striaght away.

my decisions didn't mean that it only affected me. i would definitely affect someone, something or some circumstance. i have to keep reminding myself that. ALL THE TIME. because i'm rash. not to mention stubborn. it's like sliding doors (only thing about that is...I HAVEN'T WATCHED THE DAMN MOVIE)

once again no rationale behind this, but i'm just glad i turned sometimes, and stopped at other times. some deicions have made me a fool, others, made me learn and live.

nonetheless, i'm glad and thankful.

that i'm able to even make decisions.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, March 13, 2005
10:41 PM

Baudrillard, 1990

Even including our own identity, whose hostages we are: called upon to assume it, to answer for it with out own lives, called on to be ourselves, to talk, delight, realise ourselves- under pain of... Under pain of what? A provocation. Provocation- Unlike seduction, which allows things to come into play and appear in secret, dual and ambiguous- does not leave you free to be; it calls on you to reveal yourself as who you are.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, March 12, 2005
10:47 AM

to outbeat, outdo, outlast

welcome to survivor. where the best of the best, the cream of the crop gets the 1 million dollars, and the loser, well remain the loser.

is that how life is? we don't have to view it as that. there's more to life than just being a loser, or a winner. although many would say the world (especially the working world) is a dog-eat-dog world, we can view it differently.

i'm giving myself a challenge. to see things differently. to not judge myself too hard, but instead striving to be the best. And when i say best, i mean my personal best. i want to outbeat, outdo, and outlast none other than myself because at the end of the day, you'll be accountable to only two ppl (if u're a christian)- God and yourself.

it's going to be tough. i know for a fact that i'd have second thoughts to just settle for whatever's being placed in front of me, BUT... i know i can do it!!!

so I WANT TO BE THE BEST. =) any takers for that?

renzi screams again...

Thursday, March 10, 2005
10:30 PM

i'm not that bored afterall...

almost wanted to put "i'm not that boring after all" hahhaa i dun tink i'm boring. in fact, if i open up and tell my stories, i can be quite an interesting person to interact with. ha! enough of blowing my own trumpet, well no reason to type in an entry. i guess i'm just idling. I'm supposed to be doing work but i've already this mentality that i can only do work in the day. tsk. bad. i need to kick that mindset.

i've been pretty busy with exercising. yesh. that is my latest fad. it isn't really that much of a fad but it was a challenge, by kenneth to actually keep fit and maybe lose weight. he kinda assured me that i would shed some pounds at least. i'm fine losing maybe about 3kg to my original weight (before i flew back to singapore and had close to 5 meals a day), but i'm very intriged by what kenneth claimed. yeah he exagerates a little but he claims that i would lose maybe till i'm 50 or even less, if i run everyday.

i wonder... ahhaha i have never dropped to a 50 so that was something to work towards, not because i wanna be skinny like the rest of my singapore cohort but more like i wanna see whether my body can actually drop lower than a 53 (which is my normal weight). so i shall run...and run...and runnn... hope i dun give too much pressure to my knees. sigh. i shall drink milk too! for strong healthy bones. that's what the media taught me. if anything at all, i'll be strong and healthy HUR HUR HUR when you see me the next time.

talk cock. well bullocks to that. but i shall try that torturous regime till i really can't take it. this would also mean that i can't snack, i can't eat some types of fruits which has high in sugar (RATS!!!) and...snifff...i can't even eat my favourite chocolateS!!! hmm will prob eat a little but i guess i'm not allowed to eat it everyday.

argh...hope i can survive this. =S speaking of survive, i'm surviving well in australia. the workload's picking up. i'm gettting a lee-tle beeet stressed. but oh well.. at least time will pass quickly. it will right? someone assure me please!!! =p

AND... well i'm actually not looking foward to going back. dun wanna see anyone in my family. i'd actually rather work here. if not for ken boy, tink i would have already set my sights on aussie-land, and maybe even contemplate eloping with any tom dick or harry, or maybe someone blind who may want me =) (preferably tom since his name sounds the best among the four....ORRRRRRR someone who's goodlooking, so my offspring will be BEAUTIFUL or HANDSOME for that matter heheh)

i'm rambling aren't i? well no one really reads this blog anyway. even so, i'll pretend that i dunno anyone's reading it. HA! feigned ignorance is still bliss. or isit not?

well definitely there is a diff between feigned ignorance and oblivion. and there is a diff between oblivion and insensitivity. so many ppl i know fall into that bracket of the latter. it really urks me. have they no sense? must someone actually knock sense into the pea brains of theirs? argh. sometimes i jus wish these ppl would disappear. maybe i'm being a little too cruel. but i certainly do not wish to disappear from the face of the earth. not now God. maybe after i graduate. i am still slogging hard!!! =(
maybe i should wish that i can be something (note the word "thing") like them. then again, someone like me would be wishing the exact same thing- that i would disappear! *shudder*

bah...the wonders of life. or the irritants of life. take my pick *raises hand* i know my answer *grin*

renzi screams again...

Sunday, March 06, 2005
12:48 PM

letter to ken-boy (extended version)

well hi dear...

your tomorrow (that means my today..sounds wrong somehow) is good i guess.. maybe i'm PMSing..if i did snap at you yesterday, i'm sorry. jus felt like somehow quite lonely even though i was out with two separate groups yesterday. i mean my group of friends who meant the world to me are gone, but yeah i noe i have to move on (hahha sounds like i broke up). i'll be strong. somehow i know being by myself is good. hehhe although i ssaid that i'm lonely i also appreciate the solitude. did that make sense? or did i completely contradict myself??

i'm looking forward to karen coming, but it's like last year when you were coming. hmm i noe it sounds really wrong when i look forward to someone (whom i'm so familiar with) coming down, but yet at the same time, i'd rather be in australia with my aussie friends. my friends from singapore somehow remind me of home. i wonder whether that made sense...maybe unfamiliarity breeds comfort sometimes.
somehow i'm not looking forward to going back to singapore...sigh..

well... i didn't go to the gym nor do my work. i tink i'll give myself a break today. maybe later after church i'll go do my readings. prob going to the city to meet eemin to go to church. amazing how i go ALL the way to the city to go to church. nah jus wanna go for another time.

hmm.. sigh..... =**(

hope to see you here again. hahaha some have already been asking "is kenneth coming over again?" hahaha so will you want to satisfy their cravings to see you? hahhahahahaha...

anyway going to brush up, then will sms you. tink you're going to sing soon. so yeah...

love,
renzi

renzi screams again...

letter to the girths

Hey ladies... =)

well another update from me since someone lovely decided to reply. YAY! keep those replies coming in. i love reading and finding out the latest happenings of my darling girth gals...

have been cooking in quite a bit. but i haven't really been cooking the right proportions? hahhaa i always cook too much. see that's the prob of cooking alone. =( ALV I WANT YOU BACK (hahah don't i sound like some desparate ex...hahaha almost wanted to say desperate housewife hahah sheesh...)

that's why i kinda asked yicheng about the sharing of groceries, whether she wanted to like cook together or maybe cook a meal maybe twice a week for each other. wanted to also rope in the other housemate (who's called sufei by the way. i can't seem to remember names, esp chinese names. i'm so glad she has a make-shift tag hung on her door. HAHAHAH) as i was saying... i asked yicheng. and she said she could only cook on weekends. my next question to her was "then wat will you be eating during weekdays?" her answer was a very student answer "mee goreng lor"

how can one eat so much mee goreng? wouldn't you get sick? ulgh... hahha even two same dishes consecutively for two meals would make me want to lose my appetite already! hmm oh well...if she wants to lose more hair, then i'll silently support her. =) that's all i can do right? or maybe i should put up posters too? HAHAHAHA

well...in that same particular 'chat' session that we had (NB: the inverted commas), she asked me whether i went for the SAM bbq b4 or after my gym session.*** so i told her the latter. she then said something to the extent that it's bad to eat after exercising because my body would absorb more oil quicker and i'll get fatter easily. AIKZ....i'm quite tired of ppl telling/preaching to me about such shit. i mean being overly enthusiastic, well enthusiastic isn't the word, overly 'health' conscious. ulgh. jus urks me. "wah this is so fattening", "eeee....so much fat", "i want to eat less because i'm fat", "i'm on a diet".....ya ya..you're fat. happy? is that the answer you're waiting for me to say? if not, shuddup and jus live silently in agony, without food *evil shriek*

okok...i'm evil...but it's true. why is everyone so conscious about being fat? is being skinny very good? i dun tink so. i prefer to have a leeee-tle bit of fat and meat to keep me warm (i'm scared of the cold) and i prefer to float. dun wanna sink .HEHEHEH>.....okok.... anyway some background *** SAM had their BBQ yesterday and i went for their bbq right after running in the gym.

i tink i got a little bit heated up there. please excuse me.

anyway let's see...wat did i do today. I'm quite proud of myself. i did some reading after i came back from grocery shopping. i'm amazed at how much i bought. hahha i bought enough to prob feed an army i tell you! i have already invited alllan, gerard and janelle over for dinner on monday. i'm whipping up something simple - teochew mui. heheh reminds me of *soobbb* a sad love story of my ex housemate and myself.... i also invited kee hung over on tues for some lamb chops. hope i dun screw up my cooking. got a leeee-tle bit of competition from chef bryan. ulgh...hahaha

had dinner at bryan's place today. it was his housewarming and i tell you...he is a damn good cook. i have to say u guys missed out *whoooosh* but gave me a bit pressure because i'm cooking on tues for kee. sniff...

oh stopped by jiarong's place to say hi. it was jiarong's housewarming and when i stepped in i could make out the whiff of various alcohol mixes in the air. jiarong was high then, kelvin was drunk already...hahah quite funny. oh well... met this AC junior who seemed overly enthu, maybe it's jus me...ahhaha left in less than half an hour

well that was my saturday..hope my 'essay' to you guys made sense. hahaha a little down today because i guess when i saw who i was hanging out with, and where i went to, it reminded me of you guys...

i want you guys back. jus do a friggin masters or postgraduate degree....see meeeeee...come visit meeeeeeeeee....

wish you were here,
renzi

renzi screams again...

Thursday, March 03, 2005
2:40 PM

letter to byron

hey there byron....

how are you?

hahaha tired now...been typing non stop for the past hour or so. hahah i updated my blog, emailed a couple of ppl, and well am still emailling and replyign some emails.

hmm life has been good to me for the moment and i'm grateful. however that doesn't stop me from wanting to go back to singapore again. yesh i'm a wuss... hahah well i've been out quite a bit. seeing diff ppl. it kinda feels wierd because my close gal friends are gone. hahah but i'll live. i know. =)

it's the first week of school. still settling my enrolment. am trying to get this lecturer to allow me to take a second year subject concurrently with the first year subject (which is its prerequisite) .i heard the chances are slim, but it's worth to try. besides it's something totally diff from wat i've been doing, i see it as a stressful and yet mind-stimultating, challenging task. well hehe we'll see how it goes. if all else fails, i'll prob stick to comm and sociology, which wouldn't end me a job anywhere...but hey! i can't do anyutign rite now...ahhaha

i'm also prob taking up jap. i took an interest since i started watchign anime. man they are addictive. u should try watching prince of tennis =)

anyway i tink i'd better head off and venture off to look for my classroom in caufield. ulgh... hahah juggling 3 campuses now...wish me luck!

~wish upon a star, ***renzi (it's 2.40pm)

renzi screams again...

to joe

hi there... =)

joe joe!! just a short email to say hi! hehehe well i'm back in cold melbourne. i can't wait to get back! HAHAHAH man...i've only been in melbourne for a week and i'm saying such things. guess an idle mind is really the devil's playground. have been pretty idle lately, guess it's only because its the first week of uni. things will pick up i'm sure. and you'll never begin to tink i'm crazy. i'm actually excited for school, to do work, to stress over the trivial things like the lack of books for my assignments.

i'm not really keen on venturing into the working world although it's already beckoning me to. argh. jus hate it. i dun wanna work but i guess i'll have to right? i can't sponge off my parents for long. they still have a son to bring up. hmmm tough facts of life but i'm not going to be responsible for bringing him up. =p i'm cold aren't i? it must be the weather. it has to be,

as delusional as i may sound (from above)...how are u?? ahhaha sorry i seem like i'm rambling on about everything and anything. well too much about me, me and only, me how about u?

let me know how you are soon ok?

regards,
renzi

renzi screams again...

another mail..

hi my girth gals!!!

soooooo embarrassing!!! hahaha i read oak's email and let out a snigger.in alv's words, SOOO UNGLAMMMM!!! hahahah hmm i need to start exercising...if not i'll be a blub...ulgh...

hmm let's see..before i continue...

oaks..when i go back...i'll remember to send it to you....wait..i tink i may have it somewhere in my mail system..will get back to you. aiyoh..! oakz! check ur email regularly...if not my mails will get bounced and i'll be really sad. =(((

ahhaha meeting the INTERESTING GUY for lecture later...hahaha we are having a DATE...whoo!! hahaha *rolls eyes* well he's a nice guy, who likes to smoke and party "in his free time" when i asked him. hahaha he says he's trying to quit, maybe with my magic lady-like touch, i will CHANGE HIM!!!!!!!! bwahahahaha

anyway oakz, the gal's aarika (dun really know how to spell her name). when i met her we realised we were from the same primary school and were even classmates for A YEAR!!! singapore's really small i tell you. she's so skinny now =((( why is everyone so skinny?? nono..tat's not my lament, WHY IS EVERYONE WHO IS SKINNY COMPLAINING TO ME THAT THEY ARE F**KING FAT?? aiyoh..the next person who tells me she's fat, i'll give her a tight slap. (hope it's not my hoousemate...dun wanna have unnecessary issues *wink* hahaha)

speaking of housemates...i had to do it. i actually came up with duty rosters. no more alvina means no more anality (is there even such a word???) hahaha HUR HUR HUR... well i came up with a roster, had a short meeting with the lot and gave them tasks to do each week. so hopefully i wouldn't come across oily used pans that have been lying around for god knows how long. ULGH. was jus complaing to alv about my house. when i first got back, i jus almost had to stop to my tracks and B-R-E-A-T-H-E. the place was in a mess. hmm managed to single-handedly clean the kitchen, the washroom and the toilet...quick quick quick...ask me about the state of the horrible mess???? quick!!!

yeah...wanted to ask alv where she's working? what title? hehehe =) congrats!!!!! hehehe very happy for you. wonder whether i would have the forfune to get a job tat quickly. but i dun wanna bummmm....

oh yeah alv..haven't poh-tong-ed yet...no ingredients..maybe next week. going out with my aunt this week for groceries....WHEE!! outing!!! hahah hey...we in the subs dun get much of an opportunity to get out man. hahahah i can safely say that because ....hmm went out to meet eemin (dunno wheher u guys remember him) at flinders. he called me and asked me to meet him at collins. i was like "er...where's tat? you've gotta give me directions " ahahah he was stunned for a bit. hmmm maybe it's jus me eh?? ARGGHHH nOOOOooOOOOoo... okay...i shall go out more often...by myself? maybe...

hmm you can touch jellyfishes by their tops.. as long as u dun touch they tenticles.....MY MY...this sounds wrong, tops, tenticles...sounds like...testicles...HAHAHAHAHAH...shit....no thoughts in my head...

okay..time to go...hey gals...reply more..hehehe make me feel like i'm with you spiritually...ahhaha, maybe even physically? HAHAHAHAHHA...i'm not making sense any more...hungry.....going to heat up food. first i have to look for a microwave. i'm in caulfield now..hahah

oh well..tata and CHARMS EMAIL EMAIL!!!!

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005
10:33 AM

this was written on the morning of 2nd feb

a letter to the girth gals
hi guys...more updates!!! =)

i realise i'm more free now...hahah

jus went to the beach yesterday with allan, gerard and jan. except for the countful of jellyfishes, it was quite a relaxing time. i tink i'm burnt now! dun reckon i'll do that too often. er...there's no ozone layer over melbourne and i'm not too keen on gettin skin cancer before i turn 40. =P

hahaha well also went to see liz nolan, the course advisor. i wanted to see whether i screwed myself over. but guess everything's under control. i wanted to overload but she advised me against it. yeah i'm quite glad i'm not also. gotta do two marketing subjects, hope i can cope.

speaking of marketing,
hmmm jus had my first marketing tut...quite scared. i'm so into the arts scene, i really hope i can cope. i mean formats are diff guess i'll have to learn how to cope. oh ya...i met this gal vivian and she's HOTTTT...she's from singapore but she's from an international german school in singapore. she moved to signapore when she was 4 i tink and did i already mention, she's hot?!?!??!!? hahahha she's caucasian by the way. she speaks 5 friggin diff languages! can u beat that? yeah...guess i'm swooning over another gal..tsk tsk...

i met this other guy called krishna. he's from the mauritius. quite okay looking but very fun to talk to =) he's a first year student so he's super young. he's only 18 lah...*droooolll* bahh..if only i could transport myself back to youth. HAHAHAHA.... interesting guy who smokes and parties in his free time (haha i had to introduce him to the class). well i'll be meeting him tomorrow for lecture. hope i get to know him better. i anna know more about his culture. do you know his national language is english but he prefers to speak in french and his own native language?? heheh i wanna know more...

oh and there's this person who's from NZ as well. hmm the tutor asked him to say "six" and started laughing. think he was kinda mocking the kiwi because his "six" sounds like "sex". hmmmm...*raises eyebrows*

oh yah was so stressed yesterday..sniff...stupid house. was so dirty that i cleaned up the kitchen, scrubbed the tiles of the washroom and cleaned the toilet bowl of the toilet. although some parts are clean, there are other corners of the house that needs to be cleaned. will come up with some stupid plan /roster before i go crazy in this mess... *growl*
okok...anyway am in caulfield..going to grab a bite now...will prob study after that so...heheh =)

talk to u guys soon....email me back..reply!!! hehehhe

love u guys!!!,
renzi

renzi screams again...