my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Saturday, March 25, 2006
7:18 AM

no title for today

feeling extremely lost doesn't get you anywhere renee yang shiqi.

just go to bed and sleep. that is where you gain comfort. it's temporary but hey, it's better than nothing.

so now be gone rys~

renzi screams again...

Thursday, March 16, 2006
1:31 AM

if only he knew

if only...

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006
12:55 AM

someone made my day today =)

after looking high and low for it (i'm blind), i found it.

thanks =)

renzi screams again...

Monday, March 13, 2006
11:47 PM

hmm..i got this from my friend's blog.

Love never dies a natural death.
It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.
It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.
It dies of illness and wounds.
It dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

how true it is...

anyway first day of work, despite its boring side, was pretty alright. at least my mind wasn't fixated on the usual details that i plague myself with. i did, however, wonder what the instructors were doing. even though i do complain about doing camps, i miss them. MAN, it's only been a day! =ppp i really hope things pick up because i'm definitely not enjoying myself. if the backroom business is this boring, i'd run back to client servicing with open arms!

sigh...nothing to do now. i'm so boredddd..where are my friends??

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
3:33 PM

this saturday is the day.

after questioning about certain people in my life last night, mum reminded me that it is mama's death anniversary this saturday. she also mentioned that it is goin to be her 2nd year. after arguing with her about it, i realised that she has been gone for almost two years. wow, two years. it somehow feels like yesterday when i was the first to learn about her tumour in her intestines. i still could also clearly remember her crying for the last time when i left for australia. how time flies. i recall one of my relatives recounting to me her last few days when she was halucinating and calling out to her friend and i.

i really miss her.

i really do.

renzi screams again...

as if popping pills aint dramatic enough

hope this brightens your day. if all i can do is love you from afar, it is more then enough for me.

argh..ulgh...BAHHhhhh....

don't butt into what i'm doing, don't even give me your two cents worth. i don't want it! i've heard too much from everybody. just leave me alone.

i promise i won't butt into matters about raynard. ulgh...

whyyyy diddd sheeee havveee to reaaadd the meesssaaggee??

renzi screams again...

i'll pop some pills later

i'm obviously not goin to kill myself. even though i do complain about Life from time to time, that is not going to warrant myself to commit suicide. that's stupid, plain stupid. it's also irresponsible. i've mentioned this probably a million times. i know i'm guilty with regards to judging people but hmm i really despise people who give up on life itself, even to their graves.

okay, i'm getting a little angsty. anyway speaking of judging people, i'm meeting, or well i want to meet aik ming's girlfriend. not that i want to want to. but for meng's sake i think i should. every time he meets me, he gets shit from her. seriously i have no idea why she's so paranoid about me. for crying out loud, he liked me what, half a decade ago. that was at least 5 years and he's moved on. erm. i wouldn't say she's the best girl for him but he's still with her so i guess it says something? i've been alittle too harsh on her. for the whole time that he's been with her, i've NEVER ever been happy for him (one reason's because he always complains about her!) i keep telling him to break up with her. once again, i guess i've to say i'm quick to judge. it's a very bad habit. i guess only after kenneth's friends' and evelyn's cutting words did it dawn on me and show me how i was and maybe am still actually like that. i hate that aspect of myself. i really do.

i mean what right do i have to judge people like that? like me? hahaha i'm much worse than probably some poor people i've come across (and emotionally spat on them). who gave me the right and authority to? i've to work on myself, to be better. I've also gotta work on my relationship with God. once that's settled, everything will fall into place. i know that. i've been through that. =) well...slowly and steadily i will do it.

in the meantime, i should stop making curt comments about people.

i shouldn't be a bitch.

renzi screams again...

Monday, March 06, 2006
6:34 AM

not working out?

this not-seeing-and-messaging-the-boys stint doesn't seem to be working out.i'll still try though because my mind's still screwed up. somehow i think i'll still be screwed up in some ways after this whole episode ends.

hmm what i know is this

1) i'm a super emotional person. i may not show it because i'm proud but i get very attached to peopl whom i interact with.

2) i need a guy who's knows what he wants, is not afriad to fight for what he wants and well would accept me for who i am (and tht includes my family members too)

3) i also want a few things in a guy - him to be a christian (ya..comin from me but i need to get my act clean w God first), to not smoke, to speak his mind

4) i'm screwd up..hmm enough said.

dunno whether that made any sense....it's 3.42 think i should turn in. bah.

good night world.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006
3:33 AM

where's my inhaler???

was at the bus stop when this lady breathed out cigarette smoke, now it's making me feel funny. damn it. if only my room were a little more tidy! =ppp

anyway the gals made my day today. it was actually good to get out of the house for some fresh air. guess childish girls like her shouldn't wear me down emotionally. guess i've been pretty worn out, that's why these people's comments started getting me down. remember renee, do not stoop to their level (or well even if u wanna do that, don't do it publicly).

nothing much to say. tired. haven't had a good night's sleep for a few days. yesterday i only managed to sleep for a 3 hours max? the night before was worse - i kept sneezing and wiping my nose for hours. sigh. it could be a sign that i'm falling sick...NOOoooooo Anyway i'd better sleep early. i've to report at boon lay at 7am. ulgh.

good night world (oh special thanks to that someone who passed me a calling card *grin*)

ps: i remember dreaming about thaksin's son. i was challenging him because of some argument. can't remember what lah. mannn...

renzi screams again...