my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Sunday, April 30, 2006
12:37 AM

i have violent tendencies too. i slapped my bro today because he pissed me off. i don't know whether i did that because of the correct reasons. sigh. will prob apologise to him tomorro.

hmm i hate my mind. somehow if someone creates some device to delete certain memories, i'll volunteer.

almost every single time i'm free, my mind wonders off and i start thinking of mrE. i catch myself looking at my phone to see whether he messages, or i slip into little pockets of daydreams.

i'm in serious shit

----
so are my parents.

seriously why do i have to take the blame for aggitating my brother. it's my fucking room, i can do whatever i want in my room. he throws a tantrum and i slap him, i get the fucking blame? i really don't get it.

at times like this, i also miss mrE. he was somehow my sanctuary. he'd say stupid things but for some reason, i'd still be comforted.

tts why i can't meet him now. i tink i'll start crying again. i don't want to be reduced to a vulnerable state again, i can't afford to. i think i want to but i can't.

----

alot of people have been advicing me on certain issues. easier said than done. that's all i have to comment for that. i mean maybe i lack the mental and emotional capacity to do so.

God, i really need you now.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, April 29, 2006
1:25 PM

sigh

guess i'll take things as it comes... i'll try my best to study and juggle everything that comes alone my way.

two things that made my day 1) after millions of mths, wee decided to message me. 2) mrE's messages.

what happens if i never forget you.. can u bear to let someone you love so much be in so much pain? why dunn u be with me, stop all my pain... i need you

and by the way, you getting tog with him will not make me forget.... i was under the impression u were with him for a while... someone said so...nothing will... i thought we agreed already tt its ok for me to remember... i dunn wanna forget the good times...i love u i dunn wanna forget tt.

and i will wait until you can be with me

if u fall more sick i will get angry at u. i dunn care i gonna send u porridge now

hey really sorry for upsetting you... sigh don't let hurting me get in the way of anything ok renee. cos i am willing to be hurt if i am allowed to love.

you feeling better? you said you were not feeling too well last night so r u feeling better? anyway dunno what u r up to today. but i hope you have a great day. if u r going out with him pls dunn ever feel obliged to just be happy. sigh i dunno whats wrong with me, when i get up i just worry over u.. u ok?

---

u're a silly boy. no, you're a silly cheesy boy. no, no, you're a silly, cheesy, selfless boy. you don't deserve me. you should rid me from your life. i should disappear from your life. i won't allow you to be hurt by me. you won't hear from me for a long time, maybe only after u get another girl. until i find out that you got over me, i'll talk to u. i'll be extremely jealous of the girl but hey will be happy for her, because she's gotten the guy who will prob be faithful and love her.

i should stop being unfair to you...

---

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.You have been the one for me.

---

you had and prob still have so many flaws. like me, like all humans, we err and are guilty of transgressing so many times. but for some reason, you were my perfect guy. i dunno why i'm saying this, or why i said all this. guess this is it.

renzi screams again...

maybe it's time

...to let go.

you come round my house close to 1am, ring my handphone around 13 times and even called my house phone. it was that late, my whole family's asleep and did u care?

no.why? why the fuck-care attitude? because you were drunk. you were pissed. when you're in that state you disregard almost everything. your manners, your friendly mannerisms are thrown out of the window. instead, what i experience from you is hostility, your since-i-am-drunk-i-say-and-am-definitely-entitled-to-do-whatever attitude.

i hate it. i really don't like you when you are pissed. u're easily irritable and have a terribly short fuse. plus it makes me scared and i detest feeling this way.and beign scared would be one of the reasons, IF and should i decide to be friends with you. you keep fishin me the idea that i don't give a shit, and i don't try. fact of the matter is i do. i really do. when u comment that it's not what that was in the past, it is now and i have to choose. well, i will decide on it using previous and prior engagements with you, especially the more recent ones. with your attitude, esp when you're pissed, your fuck-care attitude is much to be desired. you're really pushing me to steer towards the direction of being friends (to which you conveniently said that you would say "fuck you" to me).

once we quarrel you go drink. when we have disagreements, you drink yourself silly. and who is the fucker who goes to look for you, has to be the fool dragging you to my house? i cannot afford to have a distraction. you are one huge one. i always have to worry whether i'll make you pissed, make sure i dont' step on your tail. in the process i am obligated to do ALOT of things. becuse i fear you'd drink urself silly and do stpidthings. i've so many things to worry about now. i mean i noe u have them too. my exams, my family..my stupid job-hunting.

you keep pushin me to make decisions, pressing me to answer your questions but really soemtimes i just don't want to answer them at that instant. i'm not that sort. i'm not confrontational - i have the tendency to say hurtful things.i don't want to. And i can't react well when being forced like that, esp to make decisions. i've made eanough hasty decsion till this point already.

whatever i say, esp when you're angry or drunk, wouldn't sit in your thick skull. its as though i'm like a mother trying to explain things to her teenage kid. it just goes in and cmes out the other way. it just seems you don't listen to me, or what i say. so why even make the effort to say it? isn't it a waste of time and breath? ironically when i tell you stuff, i feel like the small kid because whatever i say just gets disced away, tossed carelessly. ,maybe it's my way of phrasing things but esp when i get pushed to a corner, i babble and maybe it sounds like nonsense to u

it's funny how you listen to your friends more than me.it's even MORE hilarious when you start comparing and telling me that even your friends agree with u that your reasons for being angry holds truth. look at me, i'm laughing HA. i'm made the fool here once again, i'm the sinner once again. ladies and gentlemen, let's stone renee now. i'm made the fool and i'm the bad guy.watever i do will be wrong in your eyes. i'm being chided almost every other day when i see you. u keep lamenting that u'l never be good enough, but has it occured to you that...u are doin the same to me. correcting me for this and that...maybe i'm the one who's not good enough for u? i'll never live up to ur standards. according to your philosophies, everthing i do is wrong (and u mentioned consideration, calling my house around 1am in the morning...is that consideration?? oops i forgot, you were pissed, and like what u said, you can do and say whatever when you're in that state)

so why am i still deciding? why am i waivering, why am i still coaxing you? why? why am i still holding on? why? whyy?

maybe for one, i'm like you- i'm insecure. but for mycase i'm scared tat you'll flare up and lash out on me. that's my one major fear. your unpredictable temperament. it's frightening. kicking dustbins, hitting the floor with ur fists, throwing your tag on the floor and stamping on it. drinking yourself silly

and if i really do want to be single, i'll be labelled as the bitch again. horra! how exciting. i'll not only be hated by you, i dunno. i just feel like shit. i'm physically feeling like shit and now i can't sleep. mentally and emotionally, i'm not in good shape.

maybe it's time to let go. maybe it's time to give up.

maybe i should rid myself from everything.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006
12:26 AM

he's got to be perfect

i haven't found the perfect one yet. =) dun tink i will i suppose. other than the physical ringing in my ears (and the perpetual giddy spells i have been experiencing for the past month), a song has also been ringing in my ears - he's got to beeeeee perfect, so many people settle for second-best, but i wouldn't go for any less.... he's got to beeeee perfect

and i can't seem to get the full lyrics for that...tmd... *mumble*

hmmm and i can't seem to get mrE out of my head. the irritating bit is...when kylie mama's song is being played, it escalates. yes i noe, cheesy song. for some reason, especially these few days, i seem to be reminded of mrE EVERYWHERE i go...argh

I just can't get you out of my head
Boy your loving is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Boy it's more than I dare to think about

There's a dark secret in me
Don't leave me locked in your heart

Set me free
Feel the need in me
Set me free
Stay forever and ever and ever and ever

renzi screams again...

Friday, April 21, 2006
3:50 AM

thats wat i am

stretched
tired
drained
unhappy
frustrated
stiffled
irritable
saddened
torn

renzi screams again...

wan o dose daes

Just felt a little maligned, miserable, and used last night. Being reprimanded, and blamed, it's hard to express how I felt last night. But somehow in one of those moments I felt like i was a little kid altogether. everything gets dismissed. nothing that came out from my mouth seemed to matter. i was just reduced to... nothing, like yeah, just a small kid who didn't behave, thus getting nothing. you misbehave, you are the worst person on earth. you're not worthy.

hmm wrote that short paragraph before the bus came. it's another one of those random thoughts that just came to mind.

sigh... "see how lah" and "whatever" keep coming out from that mouth. i hate that phrase "whatever",or well word.it's just gives you a feeling that he is nonchalant, worse, he doesn't give a fuck. ha! guess wat goes around comes around eh renee?

---

somehow, even though one day passed, it feels like i'm the worst person - for some reason, i seem to be the reason for not meeting up with others. I seem to be the contributing factor to make someone pissed all the time.

seriously why, then do you even bother?

renzi screams again...

Friday, April 14, 2006
3:01 AM

i hate being pissed

i get pissed when someone gets pissed. i hate that feeling. i know it's some sort of a defense mechanism but it prevents me from getting hurt.

i'm sorry if i'm not that kinda girl who would appease an angry person. the more you hint or blatantly tell me, the more i refuse to spill out the words that you want to hear. i'm that kind of a person. call me selfish, or stubborn. call me whatever names you want to call me (i'm used to the name-calling from various individuals already). fine. be angry at me, whatever. seriously this is probably why i lost mrE. being stubborn, selfish and petty doesn't get you anywhere, and just for the record i'm talkin about myself. but hey, being sarcastic and hurtful does likewise too - doesn't get you anywhere.

i think i'm makin progress in terms of making time for you - ask mrE.

i feel like this little girl facing her authoratative dad, pressured and meek. i have to answer all questions being posed, and i have to feel stupid. i feel like whatever answers that i give won't be good enough, or well, it would sound like dumb excuses, or i don't want to end my answer with a "but...." because it'll prob be hurful. i do not want to also answer for the sake of answering. i've always stood by it. or well i want to or try to.

maybe that's one of my flaws - pride.

take it or leave it.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006
1:46 AM

renee you shouldn't

you were his stupid girl, and will remain that.

you were his princess, and will remain that.

---

oblivion is bliss...

---

be cruel renee, be cruel...

renzi screams again...

Monday, April 10, 2006
1:53 AM

love is dead

i'm sick and tired of the entity of love. there is no such thing as love. the only so-called love is conditional love which, to me, is not considered love at all.

why the hell are we so disillusioned over love then? does it keep us going? does it serve to give us some sort of warm fuzzy feeling, or maybe even to fill up a certain void in us? so many are just caught up in pursuing the idea of love wuthout even knowing what the hell it is.

we've been fed by movies, stories that love is alive. but is it? i think not. our love for our family, friends, it's all driven by motives, selfish desires. it's all conditional, stated with terms and conditions. why the fuck do we still subscribe to it? why do we throw ourselves in the furnace of "love" when it will come and burn us in the end? is it that exciting? it it that exhiliarating?

love is like raw salmon being left out in the open - it tastes great being served, but if you leave it for long, it grows mouldy and unworthy to be eaten. love just gives us the illusion that once you're filled with it, you feel energised and happy, but after a while, when shit happens, when the going gets tough, when one gets bored, tired, it goes downhill.

maybe that's why i detest happy endings in stories. (why are kids even made to read stories which dictate something so irrelevant in their lives?)

and even if there is such a thing as love, when it's coupled with other aspects of our llives, we struggle and give up.

SOooooooo what does it actually say about love?

there's just no such thing as love.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, April 08, 2006
2:11 AM

i'll never...

sigh...i'll never ever be able to... i'll never...i can't.... =_ _(

i can't quesiton why things turned out the way they are at the moment. all i can and will do is to blame myself.

i have ruined E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-n-G

why didn't he come for the graduation?

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006
2:31 AM

once again.

this is it. the end.

renee, u've to be cruel to be kind...

renzi screams again...