my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Thursday, September 29, 2005
10:54 AM

missing another...

thinking about the dream led me to thinking about wee which led me to think about workin back home, specifically well starbucks.

---

hmm in some ways, hopefully not warped, i'm glad that i broke up with u. it's through the determination to distract myself that i got so involved in working at starbucks (i mean although i could have gone somewhere else to work. ai! eitherways, i still worked so no complaints there). i met so many cool peeps there, learnt quite a bit, became in some ways more street smart than most of my peers and got to know another person.

---

i'm so lucky to have met you, to have been embraced by your warmth and love. you were probably one of the nicest guys (hopefully with no ulterior motive) i've met. even though u outwardly showed your distaste for many people, and i was prob the opposite from you (being nice and politically correct all the time), i still admire you for who u are. you weren't afriad to be who u are, full knowing of the consequences ahead. maybe tat's what's bad about u. either ways, you were still nice to me, so tat is good =) hahahah

thank you for being a friend, and well a person whom i can talk to, relate to, and be stupid with. i really hope that we can continue being friends. i'll be praying and will continue to pray that you'll talk to me sometime. i really miss u.

renzi screams again...

i miss mama

still a bit dazed, it's 4am i jus woke up from a dream. it wasn't scary, but neither was it a good dream.

dreamt that we were somewhere with all the people we knew, suddenly mama started pukin and convulsing. can't remember much more of this scene but i remember screaming and letting out a lot of angst because so many people didn't cooperate to help us.

then came our family trying to bring mama to a safe place to recieve treatment. we climbed through many obstacles before reachin this gate, where dad and mum had this heated argument about the lock system. the system unlocked but we had another obstacle to overcome - the multitude of cars which were almost similar, because apparantly dad was one of the many batmans trying to activate his batmobile.

i dragged the rest (persis, mum, por por, ray and mama) out of that place before we had to leave mama at this bus stop. (this is flawed because i'll never do that, ie forsake her like tat) por por suggested that we should do that, and the rest of the pack agreed. for some reason i relented and went with them to look for help.

now this part is VERY fuzzy. i can't reconcile where por por and ray ended up. persis and mum on the other hand, wanted to do some shopping at what it seemingly looked like chinatown because "it was a bargain" (cheap buggers). i started fuming because we were supposed to look for doctor wong to treat mama. so i walked away from them and they unwillingly stopped their window stopping. mum had this great idea of buying drinks, and i couldn't take it so i left the pair. i remember distinctively that mum whispered to persis that she wouldn't buy anythign for me to drink but the two-faced bitch told me that she would get something for me.

this time, i was in blades and i zoomed to the bus stop where mama was being dumped. but before i knew it, the scene changed slightly. it was almost as if i was in this sinking boat and rushin for time to beat the clock. i looked around for, dun ask me, ray. one of the boys prob one of his friends told me i was too late. i panicked and screamed for him. another one boy said he was in the prison. then i saw him locked in this cage. he smiled weakly and said "someone came to look for me" but before he could come out from the cage, his bastardy friends said "noooo...unless she strips"

hmm yeah tat was wat i could remember. i'm feelin more tired from the sleep. i hope i can go back to sleep. mann! if only i could know wat tat dream meant. i know most dreams dun mean a thing..but jus curious. oh well. time to go back to sleep

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, September 28, 2005
11:34 PM

sad

i'm sad because i'm tinkin about my future.

i'm sad because i'm thinking about goin back to spore.

and i'm sad because i'm leaving this beautiful city.

hmmm....i'm probably sick tat's why. and after reading so many blogs, and realisin that i wouldn't be seeing like a handful of them after this year, well it dawned on me that...SHIAT! i need to make full use of the time here. hell! i'm not even counting down my days, i'm not even confirming when i'm going back.

call me a procrastinator, call me an escapist. watever fancies you becuase..it's prob true. hahah...

plan for tomorrow: go out to chaddy. finish at least 2 more chapters of marketing. ANDDDD...finish up my marketing assignment. yeap yeap...some quality time with myself!

renzi screams again...

Sunday, September 25, 2005
2:04 PM

an afterthought

stoning......

hmm i was thinking about it and it's really their business to delete their blogs. guess if i really do treat them as friends, i wouldn't want to find out about their lives through a blog that probably filters some, if not most, of their thoughts. there must be at least an attempt to take the initiative to find out from the horse's mouth, through phonecalls and erm emails (i guess).

oh well...time to get back to work, or...heh looking at photos from last year. i really wonder how to get rid of baby fat...

renzi screams again...

and the title goes to......

here i am on a sunny sunday in my room, trying to finish up my 60% assignment. man! my back still hurts and my tummy, uncomfortable. i've such a crapped up (no pun intended) body. it must be full of shit, hence the pun. i've to go on that detox programme. maybe i'll go buy the 14-day detox plan. i want to feel better. no, i NEED to feel better. i'm sufferin from the flu as well and i'm VERY tempted to pop some pills, like i usually do, to aleviate the sore throat and get rid of the naggy nose but i'm trying very hard to fight it off naturally. okay... two things to do (mental note):

1) to eat Dr Wong's medicinee if i don't recover by wednesday.

2) to go on detox after my 11th of October date with a friend

hmm before i go back to mundane work, like...........the (*$&*(@&($&@ BHS essay, i still want to express my bewonderment (is there even such a word??) about deleting blogs. why do you delete blogs? that's one thing i'll never get or be able to even grasp hold of. it's your hard work, your blood and more importantly your tears. it's just a dramatic way of deleting your memories. mind you, even if you symbolically erase the past, it'll still be in ur bloody head. and should you want to delete the blog because of the fear that someone or something (god forbid!) reads certain entries, that's just plain retarded. the person would have already read it by the time you even click on the "delete" button. tat is why i dun believe in deleting entries, not to mention blogs.

this reminds me when two silly idiots last year called me to threaten me. they ordered (not even a please or thank you, fuckers) me to delete their names from the blog, or something to that extent. mann..whoever who was supposed to read it read it already so get a life. *mutters under breath*

pardon me for the sweeping judgements but it is true isn't it? deleting entries is plain emotional and attention seeking AND that is definitely NOT the way to scream for attention.

yeap tat's my two sense (hur hur) worth and hiding in my room on a sunday morning. *beah*

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 23, 2005
12:58 PM

burn bra day??

hahah i was doing my readings and there was actually a day specifically for American housewives to destroy consumer goods (through the act of burning their bras). interesting...

it got me thinking, other than the obvious reasons of commercialism and capitalism, another reason why we have days like valentine's day, or mother's day (the list just goes on and on), is because it gives us a reason to be lazy, to take people for granted. the genius of an inventor(s) of these particular days just gave us an excuse to 'express' ourselves. these days give us the 'reason' to be nice to our mums, dads, watever. i mean you shouldn't have a reason to be nice to your friends, loved ones. you don't have to wait for a single day to do that. what about the rest of the 364 days? you treat them like dirt?

it's just a ridiculous way to 'prove' yourself to someone.

the genius of an inventor(s) isn't a genius after all. it just made us more complacent, less loving and less spontaneous in the world.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, September 22, 2005
10:41 AM

it's nice to see you

after months of persuading and begging your friends, they finally relented and helped me look for you

after months of wondering in bewilderment, not hearing from you, i finally got to see you.

but when i got to see your back, i turned and walked away. i couldn't bear to see you, talk to you, touch you. nor could i hug you. i could not do the things i wanted to do. neither could i bring myself to say what i wanted to say. i was scared, proud, and ashamed.

even in my dreams i was this proud. i woke up in tears but determined i went back to sleep because i knew i could catch a glimpse of you. true enough after goin back to sleep i managed to see you again. it was sweet, beautiful and peaceful

i wonder when will i see you again. i wonder when you will reply any of my messages. maybe on your next birthday, maybe in my dreams again. i hope you know that i miss you and i hope you'll forgive me...

till next time, you take care for now. and it was nice to see you.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, September 20, 2005
12:39 PM

feeling left out

they were talkin happily about their plans for the holiday and even though i did shamelessly ask them whether i could join in, i'm thinking twice now.

someone once asked me why i was closer to guys than gals. i still can't tink of anything to substantiate why i have more closer guy friends. maybe when i'm more free i'll amuse myself with the trivialities of my life =p

for now...i've jus less than half more of a sem...bear with it renee, bear with it...! bear with the fact that no one does household chores, bear with the fact that the D word can't even be bothered to throw his used toothpaste container(? shucks i can't even remember the term of tat), bear with the fact that i'm feeling lonely, bear with the fact that i'm struggling with school work at the moment...bear with it renee...

i miss rencong...i miss aik ming...i miss jon teo...i miss izzy...i miss wee joon pin...i miss lolo&honfei, i miss jon ong......hell i miss the faylows, and even the stupid ass cockroaches....

hmmm...oh well...time to get through this one day first...i wanna strike off the test and assignment tat's due tomorrow....u can do this renee!!!

renzi screams again...

Monday, September 19, 2005
3:56 PM

i didn't know

wow...i realised she and i are one day apart. what are the chances? 1st of april and the 2nd of april. he must have a thing for april babies.

i didn't know that.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, September 17, 2005
8:32 PM

it's the little things.

well..i was so surprised that the silly boy actually thanked me for "helping look after one of my frens dear"....thought it was sweet. =) hahha i mean it was such a random sms but yeah...i'm jus happy that he actually bothered to sms me that.

i'm pretty much bummed because i have to study, and get my arse to doin my assignment. guess i've to juggle that with bringing jon out. i feel bad for like leaving him alone on monday and tuesday but i don't think i can afford to screw up this test. after all it's like worth 30% *gulp*

tink i'll get some shut eye too, since jon is taking a nap. if he doesnt wake up by say 11, i'm going to start studyin =) hahaha

i'm jus in a good mood now (even though i'm so stressed)

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 16, 2005
5:18 PM

i'm getting old

when i woke up i had to go back to bed because my head was spinning. i think my body's indicating to me that...i'm getting old. clubbing and the aftereffects of it really takes its toll on me. oh well...

anyways it was a fun night becayse of the company. i'm very glad to have made this bunch of friends. the only boo boo was the accident that viv got into. i kinda feel guilty for buggin the guys to go for the ball. =(

tired and giddy. time to go help out for the lantern festival thingie.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005
12:30 AM

why...tell me why..

This is the book I never read...These are the words I never said...This is the path I'll never tread...These are the dreams I'll dream instead...This is the joy that's seldom spread...These are the tears...The tears we shed...This is the fear,This is the dread,These are the contents of my head......And these are the years that we have spent...And this is what they represent...And this is how I feel...Do you know how I feel?...'Cause I don't think you know how I feel...I don't think you know what I feel...I don't think you know what I feel...You don't know what I feel

renzi screams again...

Saturday, September 10, 2005
3:13 AM

i'm grateful

well even though i'm pms-ing and going through a shitty time, i'm still grateful for all around me.

i went for mag's party today and whilst drinking with a couple of them it kinda reminded me of.............................. last year's drinking sessions, or wat we used to call one-week-a-bottle (owab). the drinking sessions, the card games, not to mention the puking and hangovers (although i was the one taking care of a couple of them). man i tell you the memories, both good and bad.

anyway jus glad that she cried to her heart's content. think she needed to jus do it. reminded me of last time when i broke up with dominic eu. after prob a good 3 mths, i called jon teo to just wail. at tat point in time i couldn't understand why things turned out tat way. even after we had that 'talk'. it's useless. once the heart's been broken and shattered by this very person, only time would mend and heal (gosh tat sounds so cliche).

hmmm i'm prob jus lost in thought right now. tired. was sabohed by a dick and keith to drink and dah... oh well...

one more thing to add to my incoherent jibberish......i've added 2 more dudes into my i-can't-stand-you-so-much-so-that-i-wish-your-dick-became-smaller list. hahaha yeah and as the heading of the list suggests, all the people in it are guys. *gasp gasp* shock shock horror horror. it's no wonder. i shall not dive into the specifics here but at this point, i dun really care. i just want to make this unreasonable presumptious generalisation that guys are dickheads. i can't be bothreered being diplomatic. hey it's my blog. wheee...

ok time to turn in. maybe i'll er..call ken to wish him a good night and warn him not to message me on my starhub line *gulp* sigh i hate waking him up. oh well not like i do tat often *doo dee dooo** time to go!

quote of the day: guys are dickheads and gals are...vaginas?

renzi screams again...

Friday, September 09, 2005
7:31 PM

i love him for makin me feel better

hmm feelin better from pms...bloody hell it's almost like a chronic disease...ulgh

anyway picked this up from elia's blog. thought it was funny.

i'm feeling more than just a little mellow, which i'm attributing to PMS. i was thinking: by the time i'm thirty, i would have spent a considerable amount of time (at least three years) in unfathomable self-pity and unappeasable depression. such a waste of time, really. i'm sure there're much better things for me to do than lying down on the floor, listenign to emo songs.

renzi screams again...

sigh

i feel like shit, i feel like crap, and i feel like crying...

i didn't join trs etc for the chaddy trip because i jus didn't feel like socialising. i ended up going to clayton town to grab some groceries.

i'm not too sure why i feel this way. i jus feel like i'm so fat. blubby or watever u call it. i'm stupid. and i can't even decide whether i wanna stay here or not.

then came the topic of dom which jus made me damn sian also.

what rhymes with duck? muck?buck??

fuck

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005
10:34 PM

i feel like crap

i dunno why...prob because of pms. yes, when i'm down, when i'm feeling blue, when i want to eat, when i am lonely, when the world crashes on me, i blame it on pms.

oh well... i've not idea why.

maybe uncertainty is reigning in my system right now. i hate that feeling. i want to be in control. last i could remember i recall writing "fuck the whores of life" in one of my pieces of paper. easy to say but hard to accomplish. =(

jus called por por to wish her a happy birthday. i hate calling home. i've really nothing to say to them, to anyone. i hate silence. i hate everything right now.

lonely...i am so lonely...i have nobody of my own...ohhhhhhhhhhhh...

renzi screams again...

Monday, September 05, 2005
10:49 AM

someone shoot me

i've this bad habit- judge people before i know them. it's bad but it's true. the word 'true' can be seen in two contexts. one, that i am acknowledging that i know that fact, and two, that whatever 'judgements' i make is sadly true, in sync to watever that i see in tat person (even after i get to know the person).

dunno whether tat makes sense. all i can say is that sometimes i assess people and well assume that they possess certain qualities (good AND bad). when i get to know them, i realise whatever thoughts i have about them is mostly true. so far, i've been pretty successful and i wonder whether it's a good gift or a curse...hmm

i'm however intriged by the fact that it's hard to read some people. tat's a quality of some that really draws me to get to know them better. people like alvin, kee, ken, dom....i'll never be able to read them wholly but i know i want to find out about them ,wat they think. even characters like house (yeah maybe i've been watchin too much of house) lure me to their characters. i know it's definitely not some sick perverse element in me that finds the joy in doin tat just to satisfy myself that i've 'conquered' their inner psyche but i tink it's very interesting in life to have such people. it may get very tiring to well find out about them but hey the satisfaction of knowing them and getting close to them is better than knowing wat, 10 acquaintances. =ppp (man tat was a bold statement. someone shoot me!!)

maybe it's because they talk less even though they look like they have so much to say (this does not apply to house). or maybe they are actually hiding somehting and i'm the sick perverse bitch who wants to get to know them jus for their tini little secret. or maybe i kinda see myself in them and i not only accept them for who they are but...i wanna be on the same level?

oh well..the beauty of all us beings.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, September 04, 2005
5:02 PM

reading and reading...

well i had nothing better to do so i started reading blogs AGAIN. reading blogs can be pretty unhealthy because i get affected quite often and it really amuses me.

i chanced upon an old entry written by kareen about me. she said "I remember a period which I didn't really like Renee cause I found her too loud for my taste. That, of course, has changed since. She's really awesome. " tat really made me laugh but it really drives home a point, well to me at least. like what i've always said i can't please everyone. pleasing everyone is a tough job. in fact it's so tiring because it dissolves the core you. i dun mind like succumbing to requests and even opinions by close friends but...hey once u start being swayed by everyone, it'll be a neverending task of tryin. also, you'd be caught in dilemmas and politics that are trivial.

and it also made me realise that i dun really care about what some people say. i mean if one makes sweeping statements about me, so be it. i may be affected and fall from watever comments that have been made but well i'm a person who lets is flow past me after a while. i put it at the back of my head, maybe shove it in my closet somewhere or even jus displace it. it makes things easier, for me that is. it's tiring to worry and fret about such things. i'm speakin this in general terms, if u dun make an effort to make friends with me, or get to know me, well ur comments about me is unfounded, untrue and probably extremely biased. it's your loss not mine. =) tat's wat i tink la. hahaha i can't control wat others tink about me, but well i can still control how i am like. and if i'm like tat and u haven't discovered it, it's not my job to do it. it's not even my job to make u like me. i reckon i have enough friends to last me a lifetime already. so no biggie.

dunno...ive been tinkin about this for so long. =) since last year because of wat people talk about. hahah i'm sooo glad that i've friends who stand by me. even though sometimes i bitch about them. well there's always a diff between a bitch (like me) who bitches to others and even the 'victims' and person who jus plain bitches about someone behind his/her back. =) i'll still stand by the people whom i constructively criticise (hmm tat sounds like abetter phrase) them.

mannn i've deviated. yeah...sometimes blogs jus make me worry about the people but oh well... freedom of speech rules eh? and i can't do much also.... okok.....task for the week other than detoxing: NOT TO READ ANY BLOGS. i reckon talkin to a person and finding out about a person is a more engaging act of concern. screw internet and schools of thought that preach about itneractivity and closeness. =p

phrase of the day .... dun tink it, just do it!

renzi screams again...