my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Monday, August 29, 2005
8:31 PM

conversation with a chum

hahaha i'd like to call him chum but that's beside the point.

main equation of the day:
(i'll cut the story short since i've a test to study for)

1) Most individuals make decisions based on reason(s).

2) Life (mine and whoever alike) is made out of individuals who come in and out of your life, depending on well whichever period or phase u're goin through

SOOO....

isn't is reasonable to say that even without relyin on the likes of the bible (for christians), it's safe to equate that IF life's full on individuals who make decisions based on reason(s)/reasoning, life has some sort of a meaning, reason behind it?

hmmm time to get back to studyin...enough of the trivial philosophies of life for now.

renzi screams again...

filthy? dirty? same difference

i've been talkin or well mentioning to a couple of peeps about politics. once someone mentions that word, it would always bring me back to the good old days of running for MUISS two years back. tat's besides the point.

what i want to bring up is...politics is never clean. in all sense of the word, it's dirty. the phrase 'clean politics' can be even seen as an oxymoron. mann... i'm not even talkin about the context of elections, i'm jus referring to politics in general. office politics, friend politics, in all aspects, politics is never, and i repeat never, EVER clean.

---

many people keep imploring that certain someone (aka JR) to well jus let it go but in some ways i may be able to see where he's coming from. to put it bluntly, he's just a plain proud man with a large ego. should he run for SAM elections again, despite the repeated (im assuming here) advice given, and if friendships turn sour (which is prob the main concern of a handful) and his grades slip (in the event that his team wins), who is to blame? he has only himself to blame.

i mean i do admit that i'm seriously lacking humility but if anything goes wrong, i would have myself to blame. oh well... so jus let him be. if he wants to do it, let him do it. if he doesn't run, well good on him. at the end of the day if he rises up to the occasion, then he's a winner (even though he doesn't win). if he doesn't, it's his bloody loss. =) i mean ppl around him (i'm assuming here again) have done wat they could, so the rest is up to him

i'm a strong believer in freedom of choice and life's all about choices.

one thing will lead to another but well the ball's in his court now =)

u dun have to win to be a winner, but you can still be a loser if u win.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, August 27, 2005
12:12 PM

i... me...

it's all about me. it's never about what other people think. tat's what i always like to tink, or i would choose to think. it's very tiring to keep figuring out and second-guessing what other people are tinking. this is especially so about their opinions about urself. i've always been strugglin with that and i'm glad that many a time i keep assuring (not blindly of course) myself that u can't control wat other people think about u.

that's what i've come to terms with. there's no way u can please everyone. it's impossible.

i can't remember wat else i wanted to blog about but yeah... guess tat's about it for now. my tummy feels like crap, my back hurts AND i feel the need to use my inhaler. guess i just need some fresh air. i'm quite glad i'm prob goin out with kareen to study in the field or soemthing =) i want to make the best out of the remaining mths in australia.

man i'm dreading to go back.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005
12:35 AM

restless in seascape

i'm extremely restless, to the point when i could actually attempt to run naked in seascape (IN THE COLD) ha! nahh i'm jus feeling bored, from reading the same material over and over. if only i could actually remember all the crap that i'm trying to stuff into the brain, ZE brain.

i've alot in my head right now. nothing's makign sense at this point in time. maybe sleeping will cure the ailment. =P

off i go to see, the wonderful wizard of ozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzz

(another entry about KF here)

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005
9:46 PM

the procrastinator strikes again!

mann i should be studyin RIGHT now but i don't have the heart to. i'm not in any mood at all. it ALWAYS happens the night before a test/exam. i'm quite glad that i do consistent work. for times like this, i really appreciate the idea of consistency. =)

i was jus reading my past blog entries for this blog. hahah i'm still dealing with some issues that i've been struggling with last year. it's amazing. however i'm glad that there's no drama. last year it was jon and my childish jealous tantrums, not to mention stike-backs. there was also andrew who is the equation of my miserable life. oh did i mention giap two year back? mann

i've to say life's much simpler this year. no big hoohas, no fretting. it's jus me being selfish and minding my own business. =) i've managed to steer away from any sticky situations and well stay clear from potentially anything that may cause me to react 'violently'. even though i'm still dealing with other issues, i'm happier.

i'm very very satisfied with where i am at the moment. i'm snuggled in my comfort zone and somehow i dun wish to be pulled out. i don't wanna go back to work, i'm scared of being sucked into the system of bitches and bitching. neither do i wanna go back home, i don't want to see mum, or dad, or ray, or the other granny.

is there any way to escape? escaping from the turbulence of the world? escaping from people i love? escaping from people i dislike? escaping from the very things i despise? admire?

maybe even escape the eminent test i'm due to have tomorrow. *crack of thunder* ARGH!

renzi screams again...

Sunday, August 21, 2005
9:57 PM

just in the mood for contemplation

hahah i dunno why i think about such things but i just can't help it. it sucks to even entertain such thoughts, ESPECIALLY when work beckons and time creeps up to u.

whilst doin my work i started thinking and having doubts on almost all my seemingly apparant close friends. sometimes you wonder when you put in effort, it pays off. i feel tired of asking ppl out. i feel tired of emailing. i feel tired of just taking the initiative. why should i always be the one?

when i look at like the faylows, they are so much more 'united' and coherent, compared to like the spices. where are the friggin spices gals?? busy. ha!

wat about the SATC mates? i dun hear from them at all.

maybe all are working but hmmm....aren't we supposed to like keep friggin in touch? yes the idealist renee speaks once again. mannn things like keeping in touch is bullshit i say. Bullshit with a capital B. i'd like to take the take-for-granted stance more than anything. but well shoot me tat's my take on it.

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is the word. That's my word of the day.

renzi screams again...

Friday, August 19, 2005
8:51 AM

no idea why i wanted to blog. oh well.

MMN is finally here. i can't even say it's "round the corner" (ARGH burn all cliches!!!). hmm i'm not stressed but just feeling nonchalent about everything. i'm hardly excited anymore and well maybe it comes with age, maybe i'm becoming more anal. oh well. stab me i dare u...

hahha i was telling some peeps that i was an introvert but everyone laughed at my apparant joke. funny meh?? =pp According to the Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, the definition is

one whose personality is characterized by introversion; broadly : a reserved or shy person

wat's with the first part of the definition. wtf...man "characterised by introversion".... wat happens to those ppl who don't even noe wat's the meaning of introvert?? =p sheesh silly dictionary

anyway well guess i tink that way, that i'm introvert. what roger said also made sense, that we're all introverted in our own way. never thought of it that way. =) ahh i've reached enlightenment!!! man i'm talking crap but this reminds me of one issue i have. too lazy to type it all out. i've got tons of things to do before mmn. just wish me luck! and i hope my stomach holds out today. it kinda feels bad. =p sighh...oh well..

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
5:31 PM

it's not that cold but my heater is switched on.

ahhh the beauty of habits. =p

anyway i'm at this painful stage of life where i'm wondering where i'll be headed to in a year's time. it's definitely not my quarter-life crisis yet (God forbid). well in a couple of months' time i'd be labelled as officially unemployed. less i get a job, i'll be deemed as useless and not a contributor to society (like i give a fuck).

eitherways, should it be time to get my arse to the workforce? or time to continue studying? sigh... i'd better start sending out resumes and maybe looking up websites to see what i can do in singapore (or where for that matter) to further my studies.

sigh.... i'm growing up....so quickly. i wanna remain 16 sniffles!

renzi screams again...

Monday, August 15, 2005
6:11 PM

sniff

well i came across this entry by bev about the wedding and she happened to mention that "well, jon took me around to meet all his relatives.. everything felt so official.. lol" sighh...

on the wedding itself ken did tell me tat he wanted to bring me around to intorduce me to his relatives and at tat point in time i was both shit scared and happy. guess wat? we didn't do it in the end.

i really have no idea why i'm fussing about this.

it could be because we've been together for like wat close to 3 years and well until only recently his parents kinda knew tat we were together. nothing was "official" (i would say). hmm maybe it's jus my expectations but hmm shouldn't there be at least some sort of recognition? or am i asking for too much?

somehow i feel like i've been left hanging for years. i'm at this stage where i still dunno where we're headed to. like is this some sorta long-term relationship that is not that long-term. i dunno how to put it to words. oh well....

oh well...sometimes i wonder, but oh welll really oh well *sigh* i guess i've to resign in my frustration. even frustration is not the word. it's not that bad but still....a girlfriend would want recognition of some sort.

ahhh the beauty of gals eh?

renzi screams again...

Thursday, August 11, 2005
10:14 PM

isn't it ironic...

hahha jus thought of her song "ironic". i quite like that song. i'm not too sure why either. it's prob because it's true in some sense. well in other words, what our dear angsty alanis wants to put across is that SHIT HAPPENS> hahhaha

this is yet another blog entry prob filled with ramblings. i was just telling kenneth that i shouldn't read anyone else's blog anymore. it makes me depressed sometimes. well not depressed depressed per se but yeah makes me think. (and i tink, another tink hur hur, that i tink to much. i'm sure ken boy can vouch to that)

thinking is bad sometimes. at times i just want to shut down my brain, just like how we would usually click on the start button and shut down or restart our computer. that's easy. but wow the human anatomy, the human brain...humans in general, boy...they blow me away! i jus wish there's this device that we can use to well jus cut up bits and pieces that we don't want to remember. yeah it's some sort of escapism and it's prob going to be deemed as a cowardly sin but hey! we're cowards in our own fashion. i dun believe that anyone can be so brave ALL THE TIME. screw rashness! oh well... i tink i've kind of deviated! =p

speaking of this device and the ability to erase some memories off our brain. if it's allowed...
1) should it be argued on an ethical lvel?
2) should we allow ourselves to do so? to wipe up certain portions of sadness, sorrow, bitterness, angst? or should we let ourselves have such emotions and memories to firstly remind us that we're human, or secondly allow us in some minor way to shape who we are? i mean after all, ur history defines you.

i'm a sucker for pain, and if really this is being introduced, as much as i would admit i would be very tempted, i would probably jus let it be. i mean my history has made me who i am, and the fact of the matter is what really is important is the future, not the past. yes things may have happened, but i believe everything happens for a reason. you live you learn (ahh another one of her songs...i love alanis)

enough said for today... end notes to ice this 'cake'-of-the-day: exercise is good for u..it makes u happy. =) i'm a happy gal...for now. dum dee dum...

renzi screams again...

Sunday, August 07, 2005
2:47 AM

argh

argggh....i'm gargling and foaming in my mouth...stupid damn it!!!!!! bahhh i can't remember what i wanted to say. tat was only wat, 10 minutes ago? damn it. stupid stupid stupid....!!! while tucking my sheets in my bolster i thought of something quite smart, but it's just completely gone. moral of the story: procrastination gets you nowhere. ESPECIALLY for a forgetful person like me. damn it! i will make a mental note to TRY not to procrastinate because....

procrastination breeds forgetfulness (in my case)....

ARGH!!! anyway i'm damn peeved with him. with the one and only...it's the k word this time. he's one of the few people who can put me to tears E-A-S-I-L-Y. sigh matters of the heart really can tear you apart. oh well. sometimes i really wonder, and question his taste in gals. i mean why me? hahaha i'm not asking for any reassurance but i was jus tinking...

1) i'm not as pretty as my close galfriends around me. yeah i am not supposed to be even doing such a thing, as to compare, but being human, sometimes you do. my gosh wat's wrong with me. i was even jealous of jean a while back. i'm so damn ashamed and felt stupid (esp AFTER i told the two of them). argghhhhhhh....

2) i cna't hold a decent conversation with anyone. wat happened to the renee i knew a few years back? i told i could easily amuse anyone, and i mean ANYONE, when i was younger. argh i'm morphing into mum!!!

3) i'm not slim. hmmm guess i can work on that. the only thing i can do. sigh...

FUCK THE WHORES OF THE WORLD!!!! fuck jealousy! fuck sex! fuck relationships! fuck every single thing that induces emotions.

i'm really intersted to find out what i'm really tinking about. maybe i should go for some hypnosis or psychoanalysis. i'm very intersted. hmmmmmmmm.....dum dee dum....

renzi screams again...

so what now?

i was supposed to be on some detox programme recommended by joe. however because of various reasons i gave up (and was even deemed as a quitter by ken boy).

after days of winging, whining and complaining to certain friends, i finally satisfied my craving for kl hokkien mee at wah kee. for a moment after devouring the piping hot plate of noodles, one question came up "so what now? what next?"

that question, or those questions hint at confusion and a lack of direction. it also pointed at one thing that we humans always do- we look forward to this certain thing/day/person but when the time comes, when we are brought to what we want, when it is right in front of us, we are happy at this instant but it is soon taken over by another emotion/feeling and that is dissatisfaction, AGAIN.

feelings and questions like "so how? what do i do now?" come to mind. in some ways dissonance comes into play. my question for today is, should we plan what to do next AFTER we look forward to something, or should we just let "nature take its course", or for some who are godly "let go and let God"?

are we destined to be like this all our lives? if so. isn't tat a little bit saddening? all our lives, our excitement is being replaced by a sense of dissatisfaction, which would sooner or later be replaced AGAIn by excitement. (a vicious cycle i reckon).

destiny. destined. that's another thing or issue that should be spoken and discussed. well till next time.

i'm a dissatisfied gal and i'm outta here!

renzi screams again...

Friday, August 05, 2005
11:09 PM

letter to that fool

Hey D_______,

Could you kindly clear the sink's stuff once you wash up etc? I'm trying my best to keep the sink clear as possible. So the cleaner it is, the better the conditions we are staying in. Also everyone has done their duties for this week. Please clean the floor too yeah?

Thanks a million

~~ps: please clean your dishes by this weekend. it would be greatly appreciated!~~

renzi screams again...

like wtf?

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
wat's winson doing man?????? i'm feeling very distressed

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
as long as he doesn't do it too often

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
i dun see why ppl do such things...to hurt themselves.....some argue that it's to make them feel better?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
well, remember zach's quote about pain? hehe..

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
pray thee...tell mee

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
and ray lewis once said "pain is only weakness leaving your body.."
oh, the one that sac has goes something like "pain is ur ally, ur fren...yada yada (can't remember a chunk here)...but the best thing about pain is that it tells u that u're still alice

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
no pain no gain?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
*alive
Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
from the cam, u looked really thin...

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
i noe that i'm alive. i dun need pain to remind me about that. the fact that i'm living already, waking up everyday reveals alot more things other than being alive =p well so wat does it also mean by publicly showing that u're hurting urself? u're merely jus wanting sympathy. hmmm sigh..cynical view ?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
for someone who hurts themselves, sympathy is the last thing they want bcos they are selfishly thinking about themselves...no?

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
well i beg to differ. i have this conception that they subconsciously want to sympathy in some form/manner. why would they publicly show that they are hurting themselves otherwise?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
well, u said it: subconscious doing the talking...but they feel a sense of "relief" having actually feel something that is real (pain) rather than just frustration or the "emotion" that's making them sad...u know wat i'm trying to say?

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
hmm sigh oh well....
renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
isn't this under the umbrella of like attempting suicide?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
exactly...it can be very taxing to feel sad etc, and can't cry over it or basically disrupting one's daily life...so, they rather feel the pain physically...suicide is when all else fails...so, as long as he doesn't do it too often, i think suicide will NOT cross his mind...i'm sure of that..

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
hmmm i mean he's hurting himself right now and attempting suicide in some warped way hurting urself also no?

Eek, whô lôôks fôrward tô MCF & MMN says:
yes, but suicide ends one's life...i'm sure he is smart enough to NOT be THAT selfish...

renzi_is_lyin down>>>MMN 2005 @ Park Hyatt on the 19th Aug (Friday evening) says:
hmmm i guess... yeah... it is.

renzi screams again...