my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Saturday, April 30, 2005
1:30 PM

issues

the prob of shutting yourself out from so many issues is that when it comes back to haunt you, it hits you harder than you expect. sigh...

was jus chatting with jon t about friends. he mentioned that he started getting sick of aussie. my reply to him was that i was used to it. i am, well i think i am. every sem, i get to know a diff set of friends. i'm not too sure whether it's a good or bad thing. jon commented that it was disturbing because it's almost a scenario of people coming in and out of my life. how true it is...it's so temporal. you'll never know when they're going to shut the door on you and leave a concrete footprint in your heart.

well i guess i'm numb, or i choose to ignore that fact that ppl come in and out of my life. sad but true. this got me thinking and asking myself : so who are my friends? i do feel lost and lonely when i think about that. who are my friends in aussie? who are mine in singapore? who can i call in the middle of the night to rant and rave? i can't tink of any right now. i mean i keep things to myself all the time. it's a habit since i was young.

and reason being i dun like to get hurt. i've trusted many people but they've crushed my little heart. i tink ppl think i'm very strong but deep down i'm screaming. how apt. the title of this blog is screamings from the heart. i need someone...GOD I NEED SOMEONE.

sigh...friends, family... my my... these are the two main things that keep me so sad and yet happy. sigh....i wanna cry now. i'm so weak. my gosh.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, April 10, 2005
8:57 PM

some traumatic experiences

1) dom breaking up with me. convinced me that maybe i'm not suited for relationships

2) mum laughed at me when i told her, no wait confided in her, that i broke up with dom =(

3) ray. the appearance of ray jus threw me off track. prob screwed me up quite a bit.

4) i remember screaming in the toilet when i was 6 because mum told me to go to the toilet alone. mind you i was in genting.

5) dad threatening to cane me because i couldn't swallow my pills

6) mama caned me for crying

7) aunty 5's constant teasings that i'm fat, and idiotic

8) dad's constant teasings that i'm fat

9) kenny *shudder* i shudder to even think how he screwed my friendships with xiu and min.

10) stupid principal of bedok methodist (when i was in kindergarden) ordered a couple of us to wash our mouths with soap. hahaha

hmm can't tink of anymore right now...

renzi screams again...

so am i responsible?

when my parents make their decisions, it affects me directly or indirectly. this one decision, especially, changed my life. to some it may seem trivial but having some additional person in the family all of a sudden can be quite traumatic. i still shudder to think wat went through my young mind then.

so when they decide to bring up my brother, ie adopt him, am i responsible? am i reponsible for bringing him up? am i supposed to be a 'sister' to him? they may say that they want to bring him up but am i supposed to also?

as selfish as it may sound, i dun want to. i'm not responsible for their mistakes/decisions. why do i have to bear the burden? why do i have to live with the fact that my dad can almost be ray's grandad.?? i will not. i dun tink i can. i can't.

despite all that i say, i guess i somehow would contradict wat i am saying. i'll hate myself for being such a wuss. why?

the word's family. =(

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005
8:41 AM

letter to the girthies

hi all my darlings. heheheh =) how are all of u?

well jus wanted to say, hiiiii!!! =) hmm jus a few updates from me i gues...heheheh....
for me..let's see... i jus came back from NZ. met up with karen there. hahaha i kinda enjoyed myself but was pretty stressed in some sense because karen's quite hard to live with. i think she tinks the same way about me too. hehehe we actually both agreed that we will kill each other if we did actually stay together. hahahah!

well actually missed charms when i was in NZ. kinda reminded me of when we were having a lazy time in sydney. =)

anyway i've been trying frantically to catch up. i've got tons of readings and i'm trying my best to do all my readings. =p hahah i've gotta also finish up like 2 assignments before next week because karen's coming over. (i hope we dun kill each other)

oh i've got a part time job in nudle and wraps. it's along blackburn road and yeah. it's an asian eatery. my boss is quite nice, only thing is he's quite bitchy to customers. hehe he says he can't stand rude customers hahaha...oh yeah he's paying me quite well, considering its an asian place. well i can't complain much i guess =ppp

hmm got a few updates (for others..hur hur hur)

1) DANNY HAS GOT A GF!!! =) heh heh heh. it's kinda fast. tat was the consensus among yvonna, winson kee and myself. oh well. hmm she comes over occasionally to cook for him. she's indonesian. a pr in aussie. hmmm did i leave out anything?
2) danny etc had this huge confrontation with the execs, ryan, yvonne and kee. well from what i gathered from the rest, he kept complaining that he has "no life". and that no one even says thank you for his 'efforts'. er... he also threatened to quit if things dun go his way and all that jazz. sheesh *shrug*

3) yvonne is leaving, for good. this is so sudden. =((( i'm quite upset for some reason. (she didn't tell a lot of ppl about the news) well gues tat's because i have grown to like know her slowly and sigh...i guess it's jus another familiar friend leaving. i'm getting used to life and now this news throws me off my "chi" (ie balance). dunno whether that makes sense. well we had pecking duck and it was pretty much our last supper. sigh...

yeah..guess tat's about it. hmmm well give me updates. i'm hungryyy for moreeee....

alvina- how's work? do u miss me? hur hur hur yeah i'm shameless
charms- i read ur blog about the audition. hmm u should have asked for their attention. u deserved their respect lor.
oaks- heard u fouind a job...hahaha never updateeeee bleah!!!

well love you guys... =(((
~wish upon a star, ***renzi (8.40am)

renzi screams again...

Monday, April 04, 2005
9:38 PM

argh

that reply really reminded me of my confrontation with mum years back. till this date, nothing has changed. she can't see wat i see and maybe i can't see what she sees. so wat do i do now?

i'm really dreading to go back. i dun wanna go back. i don't want no more confrontation. i hate confrontations. i jus wanna run away. i jus dun wanna stay in the damn house any more. but even if i say anything, she wouldn't hear of it, of my reasons. why? maybe because of her pride or something but i'm sick of it.

maybe i listen to too much of anastasia's song but i want to quote "i'm sick and tired of always being sick and tired". how true it is. how true it is...

what should i do now?

---

"The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all"

renzi screams again...

sigh

i dun tink she got it. i wasnt referring to being prejudiced against him but. ulgh. is this counted as i've done my part? does that mean i can wash off all responsibility? why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....

her response was as follows (my response is in blue)

"Hi

I am happy that you have matured.. i've been thinking about this for a long time
Just a very quick note:

From Day 1, I dont think he is prejudiced against in any way. i did not mean that at all.
In my clear conscience, I have intended to treat/bring him
the same way just as how I have loved and brought you up these years. and love??? i dun call that love. if jus responding to me monetarily/materially love then i rest my case

I have not shrugged off my responsibility as a parent, though sometimes
my intolerance and impatience expressed may be judged differently by others. i mean more than tat. sometimes you jus dun bother about him, let him be and let him do wat he deems fit. if u dun explain things to him properly, he would never learn. I ALSO MEAN that when u and dad always go out, who is going to handle him? por por? the maid? you two really things for granted. u can't deal with him like how u dealt with me. i turned out alright. but he needs alot more guidance than me damn it!

I DO NOT agree that you have to tell people when asked about his origins.
Firstly, it's our family affair. Secondly, he is part of our family after all,
what difference does it make to anyone with this disclosure. please fucking read the mail again. i said that i will only tell when ppl ask why there is such a large gap. i dun wanna lie all my life. you brought this upon urself and why should i be dragged down. dun give me that family crap. yeah i know i'm selfish but well at least i dun tell him.

I just plead with you that this true fact should not be disclosed for no apparent reason
to anyone and especially to Ray himself .
Especially if he's still not grown up and he may not be
mature enough to handle such sensitive issue.

I feel that things may turn out bad and complicated
if disclosure is made at the wrong time, in the end,
can you imagine, who will suffer? i feel like u're playing mind games with me. maybe i'm being oversensitive. maybe i've been oversensitive all my life. God help me. ulgh!

Dad, you have anything to add.

Rgds"

renzi screams again...

scared

i did it already. i told them. now i'm afraid. i put my phone on silent mode because i'm just too scared to actually answer the phone. i have a couple of missed calls to my name. so what should i do? ARGGGHHH

GOD HELP MEEEEE

renzi screams again...

Saturday, April 02, 2005
10:42 PM

i dunno how dad and mum will react to it but...argh i've sent the mail already...

Hi there...thanks for the card.

it'll be very busy for me these few days because i'm trying to finish up everything before karen comes.

--

hmm... since i'm one year older and all that jazz, i would like to say something. I'll attempt to keep this short and sweet. Please once again...read this when you two are seated together
(scroll down when you're ready)

ready?

Since you've adopted Raynard (almost 10 years ago), I've never really questioned you what both your reasons were. The only thing I've heard is that both of you were pressured by mama for a son. Well please note that this son of yours is also human. He shouldn't be adopted just for your selfish reasons (for face, for the 'sake' of mama, for watever other reasons it may be). If he were adopted because of the first two reasons that I've stated, please please please be fair to him. I'm sure his real parent(s) would want a good life for him and this does not only mean the paying for his education.

The paying for his education is only but one aspect that you should be considering. What about the showering of love and spending time with him? Love is not just splurging of money for the best tutor, nor is it buying or bribing him using material things. It is not only monetary. It's more than tat. Your maid isn't the one who is the parent. YOU ARE THE PARENTS- be more responsible for him.

There are also times when I feel that you can't be bothered to discipline him. Sometimes you whip the daylights out of him. You're really giving him mixed signals. Be firm but love. I feel he's getting out of hand. You may not notice it but others are able to pick that up. Ask those around you, I'm sure they would be able to vouch for that. Maybe you should sit down and discuss it with por por and maybe even aunty 5 and come up with a system that doesn't contradict your ideals. Maybe a simple giving him of attention could do the trick.

I can't be the one who's disciplining him all the time. AUnty 5 did ask me to talk to him but hey I'm not here half the time, how am I supposed to 'discipline' him? Neither is the maid the parent. Nor por por.

You can't rely on anyone else God and yourself. REMEMBER: You are the parents... both of you. Neither one of you should actually be letting another party handle him alone. I'm sure both of you know how hyper he is but medication is not enough.

I'll keep this short and sweet. Well all i'm trying to drive at is, since he's your son right now, be fair to him. He deserves the love and attention. Don't wait till it's too late before he really goes astray. That situation would be hard to actually handle if that really happens. Nuture him with love.

And no..i'm not asking for any explanation so please do not reply this email. And before i forget, I'm really sorry but I can't help you lie. I don't want to lie about Ray so just to let you know, if anyone asks me, I will tell them (in a matter-of-factly tone) that Ray's adopted. Please understand that.

----

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm not too sure whether anyone will materialise from this email but I think I've done my part.

I love you and really, I hope I've at least slapped you with the facts.

---

Anyway... if u're interested please log onto this website for more of wat i did in NZ. http://nz-trip.blogspot.com

Take care, and God bless.
Renee Yang

"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-12

renzi screams again...