my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Monday, October 31, 2005
1:16 PM

it's a 3-hour difference now

i dunno why i'm amused by this but i feel that i'm severely disillusioned.

anyway another friend's going back today. i'm quite glad she's going back to singapore. things will be different as usual but hey, life still goes on right?

for some reason now, i really wanna go back. but oh well...i'm still deciding whether to apply for an on- or off-shore PR. pros and cons now! i need them now renee, chop chop!

okay drama mama, time to bathe and get ur arse to the campus centre.

TO ZEEEE AIRPORRRRRRTTT

renzi screams again...

Sunday, October 30, 2005
11:59 PM

ignorance is bliss

ignorance is bliss
ignorance is bliss
ignorance is bliss

really sometimes it is.... =p i'm sleepy...and i need sleep.

i'll have things to think about when i get back to reality tomorrow, when i wake up.

good night world...

renzi screams again...

Friday, October 28, 2005
12:40 AM

a conversation with...myself???

renzi says:
no..jus feeling a bit down...it jus hit me

renzi says:
hmmm prob jus one of those days again...stress piling up and all =ppp

renzi says:
i need to get out of my room tomorro

renzi says:
i'll prob go to the library...

renzi says:
mann...this feels like a soliloque or watever u spell it

renzi says:
anyway...i'm goin to bed..talk to u soon...

renzi says:
take care yeah

renzi screams again...

jus one of those days... =(

sigh... i can't POSSIBLY be pms-ing, neither am i menopausing (HA!), i'm just feeling so crappy, especially about myself. the feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and insecurity is just so overwhelming.

i prob need sleep AND i need to get more work done.

come to tink of it...i haven't cried in ages. i really want to man... =ppp sigh...
time to turn in u silly woman.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, October 27, 2005
5:43 PM

i feel cheated

i know i deserve this but i still feel cheatedddd by the gals =((( oh well...guess i brought it upon myself for offering and even expecting them to stay home for dinner everyday. one reason why i'm prob feeling this way is because they tipped my boat and i dun feel like i'm in control.

i need to be in control of situations, i need to be in control of every single matter of my life. i know life's not like tat. life's always changing and is always inpredictable. i need to learn. it kinda reminds me of my relationships with so many people like my family and ken, where i've feel pretty much helpless sometimes. maybe that's why i always find trouble. hmm that's prob why. trs pointed out that we can control everything except for matters like life, and even family. after putting thought into it, i realised u can't control pretty much everything. one example's feelings/relationships. you can't control your feelings for someone. you can repress it but hey the feelings are still there (matter of ShortTerm vs LT-issue whether u can feel a certain way now or later). in relationships, it's worse. you're in a relationship with another party. as many would say it takes two to clap. two parties are involved and when this happens, ha! you can forget about even thinking of the term 'control'.

i'm not saying that we're helpless beings, subject to the World's torments and cruel jokes. like what Lai brought up, we do have a choice. and regarding the issue of control. we can choose to control but we will still be influenced and brought down to our knees by a whole series of factors that we cannot resist. it takes a lot of effort and even a Mighty hand to help you.

ahhh control is like air....you tink you have a grasp of it but in actual fact, you don't.

-----
anywayyyy 14 more days to go before i start my first exam. i'm quite scared, yet excited. i'm more nervous for the future that what's only so temporal right now. ken boy thinks i worry too much but it's inevitable. everything seems laid out for him, and i'm the complete opposite. i really need to start sending resumes, and even praying. sigh...

hmmm time to finish up one more last chapter before i start typing out notes for the day. =ppp

renzi screams again...

Monday, October 24, 2005
12:04 AM

back to the future

i called a secondary school friend to wish her a happy birthday. i havent seen her in ages, like wat since my jc days. we chatted for a while and after hanging up, i started reminiscing and i was transported back to the time when i was still a kid, 13, fresh and raring to go, excited to meet new friends.

wow that was 10 years ago, actually more than that, more than a decade.
wow

so many things have happened in that span of years.

ray came into my life, i accepted God into my life, i was having fun with every aspect of my life, except for bloody kenny in GM, i hung out with stupid boy and gang, i made great friends with the spices, went to cairnes with the toot toot gang, i was a freshman yet again in AC, my work experiences in various companies, my relationships with others...

how time flies. i know i've been in these moods lately but i can't help it. i suppose it's because i know my time in monash is coming to a close. another chapter is finally going to be written beautifully. i remember the bad times, but i cherish the good ones even more.

i'm so glad what has happened to me, what i've become (even though sometimes i feel like nothing), and who i've befriended. I really thank God for everything. i'm sure every experience has taught me something valuable, i may not see it now, but i know i'll see it later. i'm sure every person whom i've come across, made friends with, God has placed them there for a reason.

i'm so glad and in bliss right now.

hmmm i'm rambling...well time to turn in. i'm not feeling well and that's prob it for the day. =)

renzi screams again...

Sunday, October 23, 2005
8:01 PM

my my...

bitch bitch bitch...

maybe i'm being too easy-goin here but why is everyone being so particular today? sheesh

renzi screams again...

someone said...

"life goes on, even sometime it feels empty, i still have ppl around who cares for me... i suppose we all draw strength from each other, and it just make things more bearable"

very true indeed

renzi screams again...

Friday, October 21, 2005
3:16 PM

hahaha

i almost clicked to assess the other blog. somehow i feel like i'm leading some double life. i dun tink i am but ANYYYWAYYY...

hmmm i really really really really really wonder who it will be =)

whoever it is, i hope i dun get jealous. =p its amazing, it's just sooo me to set double standards but hmm i guess ppl set double standards in other ways. i just so happen to set mine in terms of.....relationships. =p

time to run along to get more work done...

renzi screams again...

Thursday, October 20, 2005
2:30 PM

whooooo!

hahahhhahahaha i'm in a very good mood now.... =)

i got a 51/60 for my essay....a friggin HD! FINALLYYYYYY..... mannn i've been pretty down because of my results but yay!!! one more HD in the bag! =) gosh..but one thing - i'll never friggin do behavioural studies EVER!

so i've bagged a D for one of my subjects already. I wonder what i'll get for *gasp* linguistics...

*groan*

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005
11:28 PM

life's a paradox

just another one of those random entries when i just feel like saying everything and and nothing at the same time - being with all my friends and yet wanting to seek solitude.

hmmm i tink i've lost my zest to blog. maybe i should just stick to the old pen and paper concept. the old school way of penning one's thoughts is actually, erm definitely more private. expressing myself in my other blog is just different. it almost feels like i'm hyde in the other blog.

maybe a break's good. a break will be refreshing. a break from everything would do me something =)

i can't wait to finish my exams. i know i'll be worrying about something completely different from what a typical student would be thinking/brooding about but i just can't wait. it's the last day of my undergraduate days, well at least for my lessons. wow...how time flies.

i can't wait...i just can't wait... to finish up this chapter of my exciting stint in monash university =) i just can't wait...

renzi screams again...

Sunday, October 16, 2005
5:55 PM

no4 and still counting.

haha i seem to be blogging quite a bit today. i even wrote an entry in my diary, yeah a physical entry. my gosh. i love writing. well more like rambling but yeah... =)

i came across this physical entry that i wrote on the 15th of August 2004 =) i wanna type out a little bit of what i wrote...will prob summarise some bits, dun wanna reveal too much since i've the record elsewhere already

i just had a conversation with alvina yesterday and one point i wanted to talk about in further detail is the fact thtat everything is so temporal.

everything that i do now, today, yesterday, a few weeks time is dawning on me that everything's so temporal. i'll be here for a year more and my studying, stay in australia will be but a small yet significant chapter of my life

i wish i could grasp something that can be said or regarded as more permanent but i can't. the friends, the room i have right now, even my parents. all will be gone, gone... it's a scary thought........................

i should treasure things around me. it's hard to not take things for granted but i'll try. renee you must do it, and not succumb.................

----------------------------------------------

Significant memories of my 21st year so far
i've no idea why i want to tpen down the specific moments of my 21st year. could it be due the fact that i've always wanted to compile something like this with a gallary of photos? could it also be because i'm bored, or want to do somehting so in my old age, i can still embrace and treasure my youth, my younger days? maybe it's a combination of alll of the above. in any case, this is my journey, my life, and my story...

1) a day before 1st april
2) the night/evening on my birthday in gippy
3) muiss gen comm was formed, sam gen comm was formed
4) owab
5) bak-kut teh nights
6) shisha-cum-drinking sessions
7) video nights
8) por por came over
9) ken came over
10) bryan's birthday
11) sam treat @ sofitel
12) may's 50th
13) movie outings
14) my one and only NLC seminar
15) sydney trip
16) my trip back to spore
17) ski trip
18) MMN and SSAV ball
19) MCF

renzi screams again...

1 year..has passed

hahaha i was reading last year's entries for this blog and mannn...i was carrying this weight on my shoulders, i'm amazed that i'm still here hahaha i wonder whether anyone goes through so much shit in the head. seriously thinking is good but thinking too much kills. =)

after i study for today i want to continue reading last year's entries. ah my glorious days when i was in the dumps. one day 10,20 years down the road, if i live till that age, i'll read this and look back. i'd probably laugh at how silly some things are and be amused that some issues could actually bog me down so much.

oh wel..time to study...=ppp

renzi screams again...

in the deep

for some reason i like the lyrics of this bird york song:

thought you had
all the answers
to rest your heart upon.
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself.
now you're out there swimming
in the deep.
in the deep.

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles
till you... let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off.
now you're out there spinning
in the deep.

renzi screams again...

3 years...

3 years (if i want to be anal i'll go into the specifics but i'm too lazy right now) have come and gone just like that. in 3 years, i've come to love this foreign place - melbourne. as usual i've accomodated and adapted quickly. but something's different.

some part of me wants to go back badly, but some part is tugging at my shirt like a little innocent kid - wanting me to stay in melbourne.

i'll probably get my PR - at least i have a choice between two countries. with that decision, i've to well talk to mum about it. ai yee has already stated that if mum doesn't want to support me (ie invest with the government) she would. hmmm either ways, i'll tell mum soon. after my test and last assignment.

wow...3 years... 3 years... i'm just so amazed.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, October 15, 2005
8:05 AM

thank you

=) thanks for the message. i haven't heard from u for the longest time and that message made my day, well not when i first recieved it though, because i was sleeping but yeah hehehe...

i'm on cloud nine.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
11:21 AM

an announcement for myself

actually another note : NO MORE READING BLOGS FOR NOW!!!

renzi screams again...

stomach in my butterflies.

sigh...everytime i tink about my current situation and future, i start getting really nervous. i think i need to run again, not to mention pray as well. sigh...

XXX
i prob need to talk to the parents as well, my finance ministers. hahah...

XXX
i feel guilty for thinking thoughts like that, blaming the bro, blaming the parents, blaming everything but myself. guess i've a high external locus of control sometimes. i'm going to put in another BUT somewhere in this sentence. i'm trying hard not to. everything that i churn out would prob be excuses

XXX
excited nervous scared.

XXX
hahaha one note though- prob an end note i might add- terrence actually thinks i look like i tai tai HAHAHAHAHA i'm very tickled.

XXX
okay one more last note since i'm talking about it - i'm very tickled that he actually checked another person out of friendster. i'm very amused. =) when tat comment was being made, it actually made my day.

yeah yeah...call my screwed up. =)

renzi screams again...

Monday, October 10, 2005
4:38 PM

stress is in the air

i'm feeling so stressed...over...

1) one more assignment
2) one more test
3) my exams
4) looking for a job..basically my future

sigh... sighhhh......i know i shouldn't be worrying like that. man! =ppp

but i'm glad, and i thank God for May =) when i mentioned to her that i was worried, she said "don't worry! you've God's grace" with so much faith. with jus those words, i calmed down. tink i'm getting bettter now. will definitely be better after my run (if i dun die lah! hahaha) okok...

time to run...

renzi screams again...

Thursday, October 06, 2005
12:11 AM

it's REALLY just one of those days (part 2)

hmmm really i hate these days, like when i'm PMS-ing. maybe i'm just finding excuses to substantiate why i feel this way. themes that are recurring include...

man this sounds like literature.... responsibility Vs irresponsibility. this is the main stream of conflicting thoughts that are really tearing me apart. it's also a contributing factor that is brewing the hot cauldron of angst and discontent.

sigh...

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005
10:45 PM

it's REALLY just one of those days.

man...i should be slapped for thinkin such thoughts, fully knowing they're very biased and prob don't hold any truth in them. sigh... guess i should concentrate on studyin now instead of brooding. oh well.

renzi screams again...

jus one of those days

hmmm...i feel like blastin my music now, i dun feel like doin any work....

sigh...some have the looks, some have the brains, some have the x-factor, some have the heart...

what do i friggin have? what can i make use of when i get out to work?

n-o-t-h-i-n-g

prob jus one fo those days... sigh.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
10:29 AM

i'm a harsh prick

well i dun even wanna read my previous entry, i already know that sometimes, especially to ppl close to me, i can get a little bit harsh.

anyyywayy.... i was reading this interview of Laura Gilbert and she said something that struck me "When it comes to those decisions about getting involved or making a commitment, wondering if you’re too young or too old, it’s important that you trust just one person: Yourself"

main point: trust urself. how true is that statement. =)

renzi screams again...

since this is the case

shit...i jus lost a whole chunk of angst !!!! ARGGGHHHHHHH

okok..let me try to recap.

i feel like puking blood, well not literally of course. no matter wat i say or do, i won't be able to convince u about how life works.

i dun understand why i even give a fuck when you don't even give a fuck about urself, about the people around u who care. wait let me rephrase...of course u're giving a fuck about urself, u're wallowing in self-friggin-pity. what i dun understand is why i give a fuck about ur life when u dun even give a fuck, treasure what's in front of u, your family, ur friends who love u, even God.

there's so much to be thankful about, i'm not even talkin in terms of being a christian, but it's how u see things i suppose. everything has to be right for u. one fact for u - things ALWAYS don't go as planned. you always have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. wait, i forgot u lost all hope already. seriously then, why confide in me, why write it in ur blog? i can't be bothred to link that with hope because i'm jus tired. i need rest. hell, i dun even tink i'll be talkin to the stupid boy because i put off talkin to him because i wanted to make u feel better but heyyy...it's just idealistic me talkin eh?

kinda reminds me of one time when i snapped out of wallowing in self pity. then i wrote something in my blog..something like...."
Well well all i have to say to you, Renee Yang, is that whenever you feel low, down or like shit, just remember you owe it to yourself to succeed. NOBODY, and i mean NOBODY can prevent you from thinking that u are good! Remember YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE. that means that you are responsible for your ups and downs. things can be planned. even if sometimes something unexpected happens, you know you can deal with it because YOU ARE RENEE!!!"

hahhaha brings back a lot of memories. tink it was when i was wallowing about the family. i'm prob still hiding and runnin away but i'll deal with it soon, when i go back. i'll have to pluck up enough courage to do what i'm supposed to do.

Lord, grant me the strength....

renzi screams again...

Sunday, October 02, 2005
5:35 PM

just because i'm bored

well i shouldn't be bored because i still have work to do but hmm with only 20 minutes to go before i have to make my way to grace's place, i might as well just relax and try to enjoy what's left of my holidays, my last holiday i might add *gulp*

i know i shouldn't be reading her blog, because it'd probably make me feel like shit and start comparing the two brothers. i know i won't because it's too much of a hassle to go from blog to blog, just to read silly idealistic airy fairy dreams of that gal.

well this is us. the two other gals who probably had a chance to take a photo with the bride because we were(well actually still are) her brothers' girlfriends. i really wonder whether we would be taking another one of these shots when she or i gets married. hahaha i know it's silly to think about such things and i don't even know whether there's a future for stupid boy and me but hey...dreams are called dreams for a reason.

on the other hand, that gal seems pretty sure she's goin to get married to the other brother. amazing how we differ so much. sigh...but one thing she hasn't actually taken into account-her age. she has yet to even start studying in pre-university level, not to mention working and university life. wow...she's still a long way to go and in all sincerity i wish her all the best. i'm really happy to see her well so happy with that brother. =)

anyyyway i ramble too much sometimes. i'd better go.

end note: i realise this is the first time i've actually put up a photo of myself in this blog. i dunno why. oh well.

renzi screams again...