my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Wednesday, December 27, 2006
8:23 PM

my horoscope for today

Your heart wants to take action today, Renee, but your head is bound to get warning signs telling you to slow down. Perhaps it seems as if you are driving on a two-way road, and all of a sudden the two lanes become one. You want to proceed, yet there is the possibility that an oncoming car is lurking right around the corner. Use caution, slow down, but don't feel like you have to pull over entirely.

renzi screams again...

Feelings

...nothing more than feelings. Feelings can't feed the fucking poor. Feelings can't give you life. Feelings are just fucked up.

In my other blog, my most recent entry, I realised that I had feelings of disappointment, anger, sadness and resignation.

Oh well... time to move Renee.

renzi screams again...

Friday, December 22, 2006
5:22 PM

Where is the love?

Father Father Father help me
Send some guidance from above
Cause people got me got me questioning
Where is the love?

renzi screams again...

Thursday, December 21, 2006
7:17 PM

I always thought

I always thought that if two people like each other, that's all that matters. I guess I am wrong - I was too idealistic and dumb.

renzi screams again...

Last night...

Last night I saw you the first time
Since we broke up
I tell you baby it all came back to me
When I looked into your eyes
There was something more
That I never really noticed before
Could it be
That in long
And I was so wrong
When I realized
And turned around that you were gone

Choruse:
If I say I want you back
Would you turn around and say you want me too
Cuz I say I want you back
This time I really mean it

There's so much I wanna tell you
I've changed so few
But I don't know what to say or do
We grew apart but I still want you in my heart
I believe it's to make a new start
Could it be
That in long
And I was so wrong
When I realized
And turned around that you were gone

(Chorus)

If I say
I want you
Want you back
Will you turn and walk away from me
If I say
I want you back with me
Believe

renzi screams again...

My horoscope for today... hmmmm

The difficulty is that what you want and what you think you want are two different things. You may have seduced yourself into believing that you know where a certain relationship is going. But in actual fact, if you let go of the reins for a while you could discover it turns out even better.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
2:24 PM

bleah

If you wanna come across as a sympathetic prick, you're doing a great job.

renzi screams again...

Monday, December 18, 2006
9:58 PM

A slightly better entry compared to the last ones for the past 2 mths.

This was given to me when I was still....... hmmmm

Nice flowers eh? I put this picture on my MSN for the past god-knows few weeks. Don't think he notices. Well. I still remember when I got this I was swooning over it and almost practically got swept off my feet. Of course the proud me didn't show it lah. The other dude said something but I defended MrE.

Well...all's the past isn't it? But I still have the card hahaha...

Being sentimental doesn't get you anywhere renzi...

Yes Yes, I know. Guess I should change my MSN picture. I've already changed to being less angsty. Yeap...I will... It's the season to be jolly isn't it?

Before I know it...I'm done =)

renzi screams again...

My dream guy

hmmmm...I had this dream, among many other dreams, that I met this guy. This guy looked extremely familiar. Even in the dream I exclaimed that I seemed to have met him somewhere. He seemed to give me some sort of security that no guy gave and for some reason I was head over heels crazy about him. I've no idea why I decided to blog about this but guess I'm just dreaming.

Dream guy eh? hahhaha no pun intended.

renzi screams again...

Sigh...what has happened to us?

This was taken after Carol's wedding.

Sigh...I seem to have lost you already. It's really sad. What has happened to us in a short span of 2 mths? I'm puzzled, disappointed and sad but what can I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I will still wait...

renzi screams again...

Friday, December 15, 2006
7:07 PM

Sick...AGAIN

Fuckin hell...really have no idea what's up with me. Yeah, granted that I haven't had good sleep and appetite for the past 2 mths, it can't mean that I would fall sick. Been sick for the past 2 mths. Sigh...

Well...wanted to stay at home...but it's like the weekend and if I stay at home, I'll brood and kill myself with my thoughts. Sooo...guess this is it...it's settled...off to Bugis I go, cold and achy...ulgh...

I mean if he did ask, I would stay at home.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, December 14, 2006
3:28 PM

Dont beat yourself up, Renzi

"Dont beat yourself up for not knowing all the answers.
You dont always have to know who you are. You dont have to have the big picture, or know where youre heading.
Sometimes, its enough jus to know what youre going to do next."

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
4:54 PM

Looking out.. =P

You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
And made other plans
But I bet you didn't think your thing would come crashing down, no

You don't have to say, what you did,
I already know, I found out from him
Now there's just no chance, for you and me, there'll never be
And don't it make you sad about it

You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With some other guy
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river
Cry me a river-er
Cry me a river
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

I know that they say
That somethings are better left unsaid
It wasn't like you only talked to him and you know it
(Don't act like you don't know it)
All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
(Messing with my head)
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it
(Yea..)

You don't have to say, what you did,
(Don't have to say, what you did)
I already know, I found out from him
(I already know, uh)
Now there's just no chance, for you and me, there'll never be
(No chance, you and me)
And don't it make you sad about it

You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
(All alone)
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
(When you call me on the phone)
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused

With some other guy
(I'm not like them baby)
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
(It's your turn)
To cry, cry me a river
(Go on and just)
Cry me a river-er
(Go on and just)
Cry me a river
(Baby go on and just)
Cry me a river-er, yea yea

Oh
(Oh)
The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh
(Oh)
The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh
(Oh)
The damage is done
So I guess I be leaving
Oh
(Oh)
The damage is done
So I guess I be... leaving

renzi screams again...

Monday, December 11, 2006
7:54 PM

Message from him - quite some time back

Sigh..was looking through my personal diary when I came across this msg from him. It nearly made me tear and I guess because it meant something even though I was seeing MrL. Sigh... Ironic how the tables have turned - karma strikes you when you least expect. I'm a fucktard.
he hates me...

pls can i meet u tonight u promised me yesterday. i noe u think u should not meet me but be honest u wanna see me as much as i wannasee u. u yearn for me as much i yearn for u, tt is y there was so much tears tt night. i really think u cant live happily without me like i cant without u. i will never be happywithout u. so at least let me b happy now, make my day today, tomorrow n other days can we just see how lets live day by day if u can't allow yourself to b with me at least let me b happy now le me enjoy ur company. you r about the only thing left in my life tt really makes me smile pls dun takett away

renzi screams again...

Hmmm written middle this year, say around 20/4?

i'm sick and tired of the entity of love. there is no such thing as love. the only so-called love is conditional love which, to me, is not considered love at all.

why the hell are we so disillusioned over that? does it keep us going? does it serve to give us some sort of warm fuzzy feeling, or maybe even to fill up a certain void in us?

we've been fed by movies, stories that love is alive. but is it? i think not. our love for our family, friends, it's all driven by motives, selfish desires. it's all conditional, stated with terms and conditions. why the fuck do we still subscribe to it? why do we throw ourselves in the furnace of "love" when it will come and burn us in the end? is it that exciting? it it that exhiliarating?

love is like raw salmon being left out in the open - it tastes great when being served, but if you leave it for long, it grows mouldy and unworthy to be eaten. love just gives us the illusion that once you're filled with it, you feel energised and happy, but after a while, when shit happens, when the going gets tough, when one gets bored, tired, it goes downhill.

maybe that's why i detest happy endings in stories.

why are kids even made to read stories which dictate something so irrelevant in their lives?

renzi screams again...

Saturday, December 09, 2006
12:53 AM

leaving on a jetplane...

hmm he sounds...i dunno...oh well...

good bye singapore
good bye friends
good bye misery
good bye my lover...

...for now.

renzi screams again...

Friday, December 08, 2006
7:22 PM

Just for fun

My weekly horoscope says "Try not to make things more complicated than they need to be on Monday and Tuesday, or you could end up in an abstract argument about irrelevant hypothetical details. The easy way is the right way. Wednesday and Thursday, minor situations graduate into bigger-than-they-need-to-be challenges without any doing on your part. Patience is the only solution. Well, patience and perhaps the wisdom of a certain wise woman. This weekend, freed from the obstacles of family, you find yourself soaring like a strong bird toward the bright sun ... in the middle of winter. "

ANNNNNNND today's horoscope says "The day's beauty may not be apparent when you wake up this morning, but as the hours go by, you'll begin to realize that romance is all around you. Don't be surprised if you sense some eyes lingering on you for longer than usual -- someone is intrigued, and there is a real romance possibility in the air! You may not want to explore this possibility (especially if your heart is already taken), but there's no denying that the attention will give your ego a nice boost. "

Whoooooo!!! Off to Bangkok I go...romance romance, here I come! Hur hur

renzi screams again...

Leaving on a jetplane

If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now, touch me now
I don't want to live without you

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You oughta know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You oughta know by now how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you

renzi screams again...

It doesn't matter

I had by far the worst day of my life this year. I thought I had it bad already but guess when it rains, it pours. And really, karma has a certain way of sneaking behind you and strangling you till you turn blue. They always say that what goes down will eventually go up, but till this day it just keeps tumbling further on.

I was extremely vulnerable and cried of course. I called him but guess he was busy. Sigh. I was actually choking when I was talkin to him. Silly me eh? To actually think or even long to hear his voice.

It doesn't, it really doesn't matter.

renzi screams again...

Thursday, December 07, 2006
4:28 PM

Will call Charles later

Hahaha there seems to be progress. =)

Guess I'll call him later to let him know. heheh

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, December 06, 2006
4:13 PM

My horoscope said "Either way, new doors are going to be opened to you that present opportunities for both material and spiritual advancement. Go for it!"

Hahaha..yesh yesh...had an opportunity, someone knocked on my door. But I think I'll call him and politely decline. Sigh...

Why nowwwwww???

renzi screams again...

Monday, December 04, 2006
2:22 PM

Finally it's here

After like...a good 1 mth wait...it's finally here....

renzi screams again...