my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Monday, November 27, 2006
2:12 PM

Sigh

wrote this yesterday when the gals came over. I was sick so I couldn't join them. sigh

Hmm Just a short entry because I'm waiting for the girls to shower. I was supposed to play touch rugby but I'm a little sick.

Anyway I had another bawling talk with Mr Elias. It really seems that whatever I do, whatever I say and whatever that I m planning to do and say has no effect on him. He kept saying that he doesn't know – all he knows is he is hurt and it may trickle down (seems like it anyway) to what's happening now, that he wants to get even. Guess my dream is really coming true.

Had a good talk with Terrence yesterday and he did mention certain things:

- Battered wife's syndrome, that I have it. As long as I can have him, I believe it'll turn out better. He says Mr Lai did this to me and now Mr Elias is also doing it. But guess I'm beating up myself more than he is, emotionally that is. He said it hurts all my friends to see me in this state and frankly I think that Yeah,,,, I have not been feeling happy for the longest time.

- How many times have I come home feeling miserable and more importantly, how many times have I felt miserable and ashamed (all negative feelings) after I've met up with Mr Elias. Is it more than the times when I actually feel sad? Yeah…come to think of it, I haven't been happy for the longest time. It's really translating into well, my life. I've been really tired, beating myself up, feeling silly. And the worse thing is, when I did tell him that I was silly, Mr Elias told me, "then don’t do it". I’m really thinking that I’m doin all this for you, for hopes that one day…yeah…we'll be together. Guess it's wrong for me to think that way.

- Have I forgiven myself? I thought I did until…Mr Elias keeps saying that he oculdn't forget well my act. Sigh…

- Terry says I should be strong. Yeah I guess I will. After mourning for one more week, and when I settle things with Mr Elias, I will – be very strong.

Sigh…

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Hmmm the following entry was written like....i dunno, last week?

It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!

How true is that! I got the quote from the Break-Up you HAVE TO WATCH IT. That's beside the point. Guess I feel like Jen in the movie. Go watch it to like understand how she feels. How frustrated she is all the time because all she wanted was a little love, affection and maybe appreciation.

Anyway it feels abit different not having Ken around. It feels awkward even. I feel almost to say naked, like something's missing. It's so bad that I think this is one of the main reasons why I have this physical nagging ache at my heart. Everything I do reminds me of him, everything. Even when I want to eat sashimi, I think of him. Xiao long bao's no exception.

I hate killing myself like this and I need to snap out of it soon… 3rd so-called breakup in a year. Something must be terribly wrong with me. Ulgh. My heart feels more achy. FUCKED UP….totally fucked up. Guess one of the consolations that keep me going are my friends - Karen, Susu, Danielle, Jon, Jingxi, Cheng, Keith, Renren, Roger, Kee kee, Gerri, Juls, Rongyang, Alvin, bryan…I tell you without this fantastic bunch (and of course the silent mother), I would have commited suicide already, I kid you not. Well I quote from Carrie (sex and the city) - No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends.

I'm also still sourcing for the reason or purpose why we're here, I've lost the plot somehow, fallen far away from God and I really need him now.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

renzi screams again...