A bulimic-to-be speaking.
this was written last night...
sigh...I only drank a little, but ate a lot. Of course I felt guilty - that's one. Secondly, I just felt like puking, so I purged. It all comes out naturally, well almost. A wee bit of crap, probably from the drink, came out. The second part of my puking caused me to gag and I had this incredibly sharp pain that stabbed my chest. In fact I thought I was going to die there and then, guess I was lucky this time - to survive a sharp thrust within my chest area.
I think I just needed to feel pain somewhere else other than my emotional self. It really hurts, emotionally that is. It's even worse when mhy best friend tells me I should refrain from doing anything because anything that I would do may push him further away. Now, that really scares me. But I've to learn to accept it, or well, psych myself that he will leave me.
I did something else again. While talking to Karen, I coulnd't help but let tears of resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, paranoia, stress, doubt and whatever negative trickle down my worn out face. I wanted and well still do want to call or even message him but he would probably get pissed at me for calling him or get sick of me...watever lah, I can't afford to go to work with puffy eyes yet again. It's embarrassing and it serves as a bitter reminder of how I've been such a wreck.
Fuck, I let my emotions get the better of me.
Maybe I should vomit again and feel my pain physically, rather than emotionally.
Why, Kenneth, why is it so damn hard??
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Damn it of all days I've to be stuck in the office today - i've got an apt with one client. Sigh...more doubts seem to be clouding my already-warped little mind. Help me God... I really need you now. I can't seem to concentrate and neither can I get him out of my head.
Doubts...they kill, they really do.
Like Karen planted one doubt that didn't cross my mind - why did MrE take so long for it to sink in, for the fact that I cheated? She commented that it was too long a period. Sigh...maybe he was also seeing another girl?
Or Danielle asked "what happened if you found out that he is seeing another girl?"
And hurrah for me because I have extreme doubts. HOWEVER silly karen also agreed that i was warrented.
So am I the silly one ?
Woe is me.
renzi screams again...
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