my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Monday, July 31, 2006
12:38 AM

maybe the friend's right

Maybe K's right...I haven't found the right one.

In addition, right now though, I'm not actively searching for a partner. Emotional investment is a far worse and dangerous action compared to monetary investment and I'm not prepared to love.

Love is scary...

renzi screams again...

Saturday, July 29, 2006
3:55 AM

one more entry..

hmmm i hate to be a blog stalker but for some wierd insane reason i was inclined to read this certain someone's blog. I read her entries from...the most recent entry till the time they were still together. I know I shouldn't be doing this shit, and frankly I have no idea why I'm doing this. This is driving me crazy. What I know for sure is, she's probably more suitable for him. Oh, He said the same things to her as well. Oh well, guys... Can't help but sprout cliches, make gals feel good.

And what do you know, she'll probably be making a trip down to Singapore so........... maybe we'll see a reunion in the near future. Since she's looking for a job, she'll be here and there will be a "future" between them.

For more, tune in to the following melodramatic episodes of....i-dunno-and-i-really-can't-be-bothered-to-think-of-a-name.

And did i mention in my previous entry that she's rich too.

renzi screams again...

quickly please

slow and painful - that is a perfect description and summary of the week. Sigh... I'm quite glad it's going to be over soon. Next week's going to be better, no doubt about that. I am just looking forward to running and exercising tomorrow after making a trip to Ikea with mum. I don't really feel like going to Ikea because of what's happening but guess Mum would be irritated if I pushed back the date again. That aside, anther thing to look forward to is the fact that I'll be actually meeting my colleagues for a gathering at D's place. I can't wait.

Guess I'm still feeling a bit down, demoralised and downright...
ugly
fat
introverted
irritating
stubborn
rough

Time to bathe and sleep everything off.

Run!!!!!!

renzi screams again...

Friday, July 28, 2006
8:08 PM

disturbing quote

i was talkin to ST about putting on makeup&stuff and he made this comment "who wouldn't mind a gal who can take care of her own self". He says that he would rather be with a gal who puts on makeup and stuff. He likes how MsYong looks like. Guess...guys are all the same. Guys prefer gals in makeup and who can "Carry" themselves well. Sigh....There's no hope already. I'm not teh, I'm not everything she is.

now i really cant see myself with mrL.

renzi screams again...

worried and lost

Hmmm jus recieved a msg from mum. Hope dad's alright. Sigh....

renzi screams again...

Thursday, July 27, 2006
12:37 AM

breathe

breathe, pray and let go. Renee, relax........

Even though you screwed up so bad while working, just hold your head up high and tell yourself that tomorrow will be a better day.

Breathe, Renee...

No matter how maligned you feel, and how much shit may be piled up on top of you, know that people may not see it but you had your reasons.

Breathe, Renee

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, July 26, 2006
5:17 PM

one of those

Instructions: Before you read the post, name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head. List those names down in any order, before answering the questions.
1) Karen
2) Mr L
3) Mr E
4) Juls
5) Jeff
6) Ang
7) Xi
8) Dom
9) Alvina
10) Charms
11) Keith
12) Christie
13) Christina
14) Eemin
15) Alvin
16) Rongyang
17) Susu
18) Cheng
19) Jean
20) Anne

1. How did you meet number 14?
Eemin: Secondary school. He is one of my best buddies then.

2. What would you do if you had never met Number 1?
Karen: I wouldn't have fun times with her. Trust me, she's a crazy one.

3. What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
Anne & Alvina: I will be f-ing surprised hahahaha....these two gals will NEVER be gay.

4. Would 6 and 17 make a good couple?
And & Su: Susu will commit suicide.... hahahaha Think susu will be vulgar after 1 mth.

5. Describe no.3.
Mr E: Caring and faithful. Childish at times but fun to be around with.

6. Do you think No.8 is attractive?
Dom: My ex..hahah alright lah I suppose... =) Has a good bod!!!

7. Tell me something about No.7
Xi: My ex-neighbour whom I had tuition with every week. We used to play downstairs EVERYDAY.

8. Do you know anything about no.12's family?
Christie: Yeah, guess so. I miss Nai-nai.

9. What is no.18's favourite pastime?
Eat? Watch her showS!!!

10.What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?
Keith: I'll laugh. =)

11. What language does 15 speak?
Alvin: Hokkien, English, Chinese

12. How old is 16 now?
RY: My age lor...we were classmates in GM.

13. When was the last time u talked to 13?
Christina: Face-to-face, it would be since JC days =p Tat is like... shit, 7+ years!!!

14. Who's 2's favourite singer?
Mr L: Ermmm...he listens to anything man, from sesame street songs, to...chinese, to english =)

15. Would you date number 4?
Juls: That's just wrong. Think we're both straight.

16. What's 10's last name?
Charms: Wee....hahahah

17. Would you ever consider being in a relationship with 19?
Jean: If I were a guy, yes. =)

18. What schools did 3 go to?
He's a saint, through and through. He's now in NUS.

19. Where does 6 live?
Simei

20. What's your favourite thing about number 5?
Jeff: One of the sweetest guys ever. He's a guy whom I would love to marry. Forgiving, mild, caring, great person to talk cock with.

1. i’ll respond with something random about you
2. i’ll challenge you to try something
3. i’ll pick a color that i associate with you
4. i’ll tell you something i like about you
5. i’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i’ll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i’ll ask you something i’ve always wanted to ask you
8. if i do this for you, you must post this on yours

renzi screams again...

high

oh fuck, oh fuck..damn high but i guuess i noe wat i did and should have done.e... argh~~~!! noo... i should have jus told him in the face that i do not care abt him, and that he is a piece of...i dunno..arghh...i feel lik shit... damn it... =op conflicting thoughts, actios....fuck,

and i have to work tomorrow... argh!

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006
2:02 AM

one of those random moments

stupid song is in my head...fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars...lada lada...

stupid bottle of liang cha...it actually has maggots infesting and thriving in the tea, yuck! i wonder what will happen if i actually do gulp it down *ponder*

i finally filled up the forms...i'm all set! i'm just lacking a calculator...

hmmm...so near, yet so far... I wanted to go and check it out, but I think my friends would kill me if they found out. They said that I should be cruel...let's see... A, R, J, K, K, S, C.... They all think so... Sigh...Cruel to be kind...Cruel to be kind....

renzi screams again...

Saturday, July 22, 2006
2:38 AM

i noe wat i want.

Work's been really draining - not because it's been really slow, it's just boring, so boring it drains me. This desk (or departmenr) is k-i-l-l-i-n-g m-e V-E-R-Y s-l-o-w-l-y... I really want to go back to the desk I was originally from. I mean the desk is full of monkeys (including the managers), AND more importantly it is also fast paced. I need it now, for many reasons I shall not dabble in at the moment.

I want to excel, I want to soar. I only do well when the pace is faster. If I do go back to the first desk, I wanna be one of the best trainees. I want to do so well that they recommend me to go overseas. I give myself 2 years. Haha! I even told my big boss from tokyo, T, that I would see him in 2 years. He said that was too long. Funnily, in my opinion that was an ambitious statement I made in front of at least 10 people (including ALL the bosses). But whatever it is, I aim to go to hk or tokyo after approximately 2 years.

For now, it's just work, work and more work. I need to read up more. Come in early, read more and ask more questions. My plan...Morning, come in early to do the necessary shit before reading the newspapers, check certain rates. Lunch would be gym time and a quick bite with my girls. The rest of the day I'll slog hard. After work, I'll go back to the gym for a quick workout before I head downstairs to study. I'll start doing this after next week and will try to keep up with it till December at least. Then I'll think of another strategy. Maybe go for a holiday - recharge my batteries and SLOG HARD AGAIN.

So, for whatever, whoever, whichever else, it will come after 2 years. After 2 years, if I don't make it, I'll...........find a rich dude, marry him and be a tai tai. At least I tried my best eh?

So much for ambition.

sigh

renzi screams again...

Friday, July 21, 2006
1:07 AM

I get myself disturbed once again.

I'm once again very appalled (damn it...great i can't even spell) when people say I'm a PR person. Come on, I'm the last person that can speak well, communicate better with people. Maybe with the exception of alcohol i'm a different person, but you get the gist - I suck.

Clearly I do not have a grounded self-esteem. When I read that she was probably coming down to Singapore, the first thing that came to mind was "they'll probably see each other, fall in love once again and live happily ever after". Yes, I did say "happily ever after (hea)". But HEAs happen to everyone except me. I am NEVER happy, and definitely NEVER contented or satisfied.

Guess he's made the right choice to avoid me as well. He has an ex who's probably coming down to Singapore. She's pretty, teh, friggin rich, attention seeking - so right for him. sigh...

Now it's just the other one - to try to convince him (and of course myself) that we are also not right for each other. I'm fucking ulgy, incapable, irritating, easily-irritable, poor, un-Godly, vulgar, unapproachable... (and the list goes on).

I'm just suited to admire (a) person(s) from afar. That will difuse the pain, the suffering.

I'm destined to be alone.

renzi screams again...

love this song...

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
12:33 AM

wierd

it feels wierd but...even though i was with my bunch of friends enjoyin myself, for some reason i couldn't help but think of him. not to mention fear that i would see him, or for some stupid crazy reason think that he would slip into some sort of crazy frightening rage. it's a whole mix of emotions, feelings (whatever you call it) all tossed into one rojak, AND this rojak tastes of a mix of...sweet, sour, salty flavours... wierd eh?

anyywayy there's still traces of blood in my stools *sigh* i hope i didn't get anything. i'm too young to dieeee...noooo...but seriously i'm a little afraid. i'll eat more 'cooling' stuff and monitor my condition i suppose. that's all i can do. i seriously DO NOT WANT TO STICK ANYTHING UP MY ARSE. =((( mum's (actually almost all the ppl around me) been nagging at me about my health...very tempted to just shove mum's words and ask her to worry more about her son but hmm shall not be rude, renzi shall not be rude...

oh well..time to sleep. been sleepin really early. I get very tired easily... guess it comes along with the package of working i suppose. i am sorta dreading the times when i have to entertain clients...

ulghh..my stomach...ulgh..my stools...ulgh......I WANNA EAT FRIED FOODDDDD but my colleagues are not allowing me to =(

this is just so random, but it's so me... =p i feel like shutting down my other renzi blog. i feel so...lazy and i can't be bothred. i mean, i see no point in highlighting to the world how dumb, bimbotic i am... hahaha... seriously i really wonder what those two silly idiots see in me. i am dumb...introverted...random...serious.... sigh...

i am dumb, i am losa

renzi screams again...

Monday, July 17, 2006
9:24 AM

When others let you down, look up.

Jus did a short quiet time.. =) Feeling better now.

renzi screams again...

your son is rude and spoilt

i don't regret waking up the whole family by my screamings in the morning today. i mean it did stir up a bit of shit and my poor maid got scolded by my granny but hey! at least i said some things to mum (and i'm sure dad heard it as well) that i felt she needed to hear. just a few simple words is enough for now - your son is spoilt and rude.

oh, did i mention that i slammed the door too? man i hate to say this but his whining and crocodile tears woke me up in the morning. in the middle of the night, i woke up and couldn't sleep. i tossed and turned till i finally got to sleep. next thing i knew, my brother was waking up the whole bloody neighbourhood because of a silly matter - he couldn't friggin finish eatng because his bus was arriving, he THOUGHT he couldn't finish eating. WHAT KIND OF A SILLY FUCKING REASON IS THAT...tell me?? And my parents couldn't even be bothrede to even come down to see what was happening.

if you can't be bothered, and if you can't give a shit about your son and how he's being brought up, then why the fuck adopt raynard yang? for just a family name?

shallow...

you said you loved me and yeah fair enough you saved enough for me to go overseas and all but hey one simple action really said otherwise - you adopted him. that action said millions, that i wasn't good enough, worthy because i had no dick.

hmm..time to go now.... i'm tired and i need to hurl my ass to work.

sigh..i hate to overreact. esp during the start of the week and when i find blood in my stools. sigh..i need to monitor. maybe i have cancer. HAHAHHAHA

alll the better eeeh?

renzi screams again...

Saturday, July 15, 2006
1:04 AM

cruel to be kind

i keep tellin myself that...and i will be strong, mentally and emotionally... sigh...

keep myself busy, keep myself busy..

renzi screams again...

Friday, July 14, 2006
12:05 AM

very sick - and my mum's nagging.

sigh..all i can say now and keep telling myself is... "you've got to be cruel to be kind". every single friggin day i keep reminding myself that, not to mention the people around me harping that as well.

sigh... i don't think i can work tomorrow and drown myself in work. bah...

sigh... good night world.

----------------------------------------

How the hell did we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
Dont think its too late

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

Chorus:
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
gonna make it allright but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well i hoped that since we're here anyway
We could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up stringing
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Lets rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong
just as long as
you know that someday I will

i love this song...

renzi screams again...

Thursday, July 13, 2006
4:15 PM

sick

i wanna be swept off my feeeeeeeeeeeeeeet...

renzi screams again...

Saturday, July 08, 2006
1:41 PM

very upset

i was having drinks with the sexy boss and another friend last night. it was alright until i was left alone with the friend. we started talking about EVERYTHING. for some reason, so much was dug up yesterday. i cried, i laughed, i was once again confronted with having to deal with the two boys. right now all i want is to concentrate on my job. seriously this week, i haven't thought of them much because i was just too busy, and maybe pissed. i hate that i've to choose even a friend. i'll go crazy if this goes on...

on a side note...i'm also upset that this friend may leave me soon - for a greener pasture elsewhere. i wish i could do something. this kind of helplessness is very draining. it didn't hit me yesterday but being extremely sober (even though i just woke up) right now, it's tearing me up.

screw happy endings and fairytales...this is the real world - the one that constantly eats up all the good and hits you over and over...

renzi screams again...

Friday, July 07, 2006
12:24 AM

sleeping early...

i've been either sleeping REALLY early or REALLY late. damn it. well so far so good. i mean i hate drinking but i've to entertain - i would say bo bian to a certain extent (won't delve into the dynamics of choice etc). Other than the drinking, swearing, and occasional puking, I've learnt SO much in just 4 days. I've never seen time fly by so quickly. You can say i'm quite enjoying myself. It's also good to have familiar faces. =)

I hope I can run this marathon and not lose stamina so quickly. Crossing my fingers.

off with lame men...hahahaha...

fly! offer! bid! yours! mine!!!

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, July 04, 2006
10:39 PM

Early to bed, early to rise

First day of work I already had to drink and mingle with the colleagues. I'm so glad that Julia and Gerry are in it with me as well. At least for now, we can depend on each other. I'm also very relieved for this break today - I got off work before the sun set!

Hope I can survive in NC. For now, I'll just sleep at 9 and wake up early to study! I need to prepare for tomorrow!

renzi screams again...

Monday, July 03, 2006
2:08 AM

irony..of it all

i was reminded of something that you did that i thought didn't reflect you in a good light. but well, since you have so many opinions about me...what can i say...? i really have nothing to add, or say...

renzi screams again...

Sunday, July 02, 2006
3:20 AM

Expectations

I don't like to be swarmed with expectations. I don't work well with expectations - they make me uneasy. So what do I do when I realise I've a thousand and one expectations piled up on top of me? I freeze and shut myself out...I mean expectations are good, and they motivate but I only have expectations for myself, not for others - they give me the drive to make me want to excel.

Why do others, then, expect so much from me? I don't do the same...or at least I try to make a conscious effort not to do so because it causes discomfort.

argggghhhh

renzi screams again...