my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Tuesday, May 02, 2006
3:03 AM

wierd turn of events

i don't know what to make of what just happened. i didn't expect him to suggest that - i go for my freedom and when i decide get back to him.

i feel guilty for seemingly stringing him along. i feel a lot of emotions now. right now, i'm really confused. so much occured to me in that span of 1.5 hours. so many questions crept up as well.

now i have doubts as to whether i love mrE. maybe it has been a crush all along. i mean what's a relationship when you don't even see each other more than half the time? spending more than 2/3 of my time with him (during my hols) does not make up the whole year. i dunno...

and as for mrL, with my current workload etc, it's the real crunch. and it seems i'm chickening out. sigh..i dunno...

maybe i'm just in love with Freedom (note the capital F). it just reflects myself - my child-like instincts. the fear of being tied down, the fear of having expectations tagged to you, the fear of being hurt, the fear of being jaded, the fear of being nonchalant, the fear of being fucked up

more imptly, i think i've a phobia of commitments. i haven't grown up yet. i've yet to fully embrace what i've in store for me. it's just too overwhelming. it's how society, our culture now and prob in the past, drums in us that we have to take responsibility after a certain age. it's scary. i hate growing up. i guess i've to deal with it sooner or later. as u grow older, with age comes enlightenment, knowing begets responsilbity which then leads to obligation/or a need, and with obligation comes acting upon it; and as a result - wisdom.

i know ultimately i have to decide. i've to weigh the pros and cons and not plainly and blindly "take things as they come". it's in some way irresponsible and lacking of judgement and foresight.

i seem like i'm rambling a load of rubbish. i dun even think that made sense. sigh. i'm wrung dry now.

Renee, you're no more in lala land. Wake up and smell the shit!

renzi screams again...

what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s

what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)

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