my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Thursday, May 25, 2006
12:21 AM

renzi_is_done with everything

no more shit, renee... no more shit.

pull up your socks and improve on yourself. you owe it to no one.

on a side note, i shall attempt to read king lear again. i lovvveee tragedies =) i love most shakespeare plays. all dark and complicated.

time to sleep soon...i've got a camp tomorro.

renzi screams again...

Monday, May 15, 2006
2:00 PM

my list

The MUST-HAVES in the next person I get together with:

- God-fearing christian

- Non-smoker

- Accepts and loves my family (esp my bro)

- Respects and loves me

- Loves himself (and that includes taking care of himself)

The GOOD-TO-HAVEs in the guy (gal? hahaha)

- Observant

- Good temper and considerate

- Make me happy

- Faithful

- Loves food and eats well

- Not an alcoholic

The BONUSes

- Willing to do anything with me.

- Willing to hang out with my friends

- Confident of himself (or herself? hahahaha)

- Both my family and friends like him

- Loves animals and kids

- Able to support me

hmm..guess it'll be hard to find someone like that?

renzi screams again...

Sunday, May 14, 2006
10:46 AM

hmm i don't get it

what jus happened? =p

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006
2:12 AM

situations, all about situations?

Job situation - still the same

Boy situation - still the same

HEART Situation - not the same =)))

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, May 09, 2006
2:43 AM

renzi_is_sad@dramatic.com

hmm..maybe i shouldn't waste my time...? maybe i really shouldn't...

sigh...

no more phone calls renee. i wont allow u to.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, May 07, 2006
10:24 PM

conversation with a friend

D: i shouldn't think so, , guys are lining up to be wif u, in case u din't notice

R: erm.... because i'm a good friend? hahaha there are some ppl who cannot be partners and i'm one of them PLUS i'm commitment phobic

D: hmmm......i guess there is always the option of casual sex? hehehe

R:... nahh i'm not tat sort ahahahha at least i hope i'm not hahahaa =)

D: but really, i think just feel the magic of the moment, be happy

R:hahahha that's living irresponsibly isn't it?

D: course u are not, its rumor by sand ppl . u know wat sand ppl is?

R: nope

D : sand ppl are like sand papers, they scrub u in a harsh way, but they only polishes u, eventually they are gonna end up used and wrinkled while u are polished and pretty =) so yeah pretty renzi

--

right now..i'll be friends with everyone. we'll see how from there. i need to concentrate on one thing at a time. first find a proper job, second study damn friggin hard for the exam. all else can take....third place! =ppp

zzz..... time to lie down... still hungover.

still tempted to puke... =p

renzi screams again...

i'm not ready to be vulnerable

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

it was taken from someone's blog. hmmm all i know now is...i'm not ready. that's all i know, and that's all for now i suppose.

I should sort out myself bfore delving into anything with anyone. becase i feel i'm VERY screwed up. I've no proper job, i'm terribly insecure, AND my walk with God is in the ruins. so yeah...

ulgh...i'm still feeling a bit hungover.

renzi screams again...

highh

hmmm nothing much to say...but...i'm high...

what uncle aloy said was right.....whoever waits and is patient is the most sincere. i dont' have to feeel guillty. maybe....i haven't been listening to advice as of yet but...well....since i'm not ready for anything....they should just move on and find better gals...

highhhh

and i puked again today... this time i could see my noodles.. =p

renzi screams again...

Saturday, May 06, 2006
3:18 AM

lost

i feel extremely lost. i have no idea why. i had the urge to purge (hmm that rhymed) for the sake of doing it. somehow it creates some sort of calmin, therapetic effect. i had to right the temptation to do so. i forced myself not to go to the toilet with anne, for fear i would do what i did yesterday. luring isn't it?

think i'll go to ecp with or without jon. i need to exercise. i need to keep my mind off things, keep it busy.

maybe retail therapy would do my good but i'm saving the money for my half day on the 18th this month.

or...?

i hope i see... wee, jon and ren ren tomorrow.

renzi screams again...

Friday, May 05, 2006
12:38 AM

i found it

just got back from dinner by myself. i actually came home slightly earlier, only to find the pesky brother and...well the rest of the pack at home. ah! mum and dad werent home too. so yeah that leaves the maid and the grandmother. i found it too depressing to stay at home so i drifted to...the pub. watched a dramatic show on tv. ha! as if my life aint dramatic enough.

sometimes i really wonder what's wrong with me. i've been trying to figure that out for the past 2 years. somehow along the way, i fucked up. wait, maybe i've been fucking up all my life - attempting to go against my parents probably wasn't challenging enough, even dealing with my brother wasn't a stirrer. what's wrong with me.

guess i'll learn about that, i have to. or rather i need to. times like these, i need people like jon, rencong, meng or even dom (that idiot promised he'll call me today sigh). for some reason i could run to them to whine. today's one of those days but somehow i can't.

at least i took pleasure in gorging today. in the office especially. at the pub, i had myself a portion of them chicken wings, yeappp...those delightful sinful deep fried wings. this was followed by an easy purging of everything bad today. later, i was fine.

i'm still fine..i tink.. =p well at least i learnt something today - it doesn't take me much to puke. bulemics stick a finger in their throat (at their initial stage) but i can jus vomit whenever.

time to go...

i want a break..maybe i'll go for a holiday next week. i took leave on thurs. where should i go?

renzi screams again...

Thursday, May 04, 2006
1:43 AM

horror of horrors!!!

i saw the ex!!! yucks....the first ex....the yuckiest ex and the worst ex! YUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!! Thank goodness I ate before that. =s

Anyway i'm fantasising about this ring...which would deplete me of my savings...hmmmmm....should i spend 600 bucks on a rock?

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006
3:03 AM

wierd turn of events

i don't know what to make of what just happened. i didn't expect him to suggest that - i go for my freedom and when i decide get back to him.

i feel guilty for seemingly stringing him along. i feel a lot of emotions now. right now, i'm really confused. so much occured to me in that span of 1.5 hours. so many questions crept up as well.

now i have doubts as to whether i love mrE. maybe it has been a crush all along. i mean what's a relationship when you don't even see each other more than half the time? spending more than 2/3 of my time with him (during my hols) does not make up the whole year. i dunno...

and as for mrL, with my current workload etc, it's the real crunch. and it seems i'm chickening out. sigh..i dunno...

maybe i'm just in love with Freedom (note the capital F). it just reflects myself - my child-like instincts. the fear of being tied down, the fear of having expectations tagged to you, the fear of being hurt, the fear of being jaded, the fear of being nonchalant, the fear of being fucked up

more imptly, i think i've a phobia of commitments. i haven't grown up yet. i've yet to fully embrace what i've in store for me. it's just too overwhelming. it's how society, our culture now and prob in the past, drums in us that we have to take responsibility after a certain age. it's scary. i hate growing up. i guess i've to deal with it sooner or later. as u grow older, with age comes enlightenment, knowing begets responsilbity which then leads to obligation/or a need, and with obligation comes acting upon it; and as a result - wisdom.

i know ultimately i have to decide. i've to weigh the pros and cons and not plainly and blindly "take things as they come". it's in some way irresponsible and lacking of judgement and foresight.

i seem like i'm rambling a load of rubbish. i dun even think that made sense. sigh. i'm wrung dry now.

Renee, you're no more in lala land. Wake up and smell the shit!

renzi screams again...