my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Saturday, April 29, 2006
4:37 AM

maybe it's time

...to let go.

you come round my house close to 1am, ring my handphone around 13 times and even called my house phone. it was that late, my whole family's asleep and did u care?

no.why? why the fuck-care attitude? because you were drunk. you were pissed. when you're in that state you disregard almost everything. your manners, your friendly mannerisms are thrown out of the window. instead, what i experience from you is hostility, your since-i-am-drunk-i-say-and-am-definitely-entitled-to-do-whatever attitude.

i hate it. i really don't like you when you are pissed. u're easily irritable and have a terribly short fuse. plus it makes me scared and i detest feeling this way.and beign scared would be one of the reasons, IF and should i decide to be friends with you. you keep fishin me the idea that i don't give a shit, and i don't try. fact of the matter is i do. i really do. when u comment that it's not what that was in the past, it is now and i have to choose. well, i will decide on it using previous and prior engagements with you, especially the more recent ones. with your attitude, esp when you're pissed, your fuck-care attitude is much to be desired. you're really pushing me to steer towards the direction of being friends (to which you conveniently said that you would say "fuck you" to me).

once we quarrel you go drink. when we have disagreements, you drink yourself silly. and who is the fucker who goes to look for you, has to be the fool dragging you to my house? i cannot afford to have a distraction. you are one huge one. i always have to worry whether i'll make you pissed, make sure i dont' step on your tail. in the process i am obligated to do ALOT of things. becuse i fear you'd drink urself silly and do stpidthings. i've so many things to worry about now. i mean i noe u have them too. my exams, my family..my stupid job-hunting.

you keep pushin me to make decisions, pressing me to answer your questions but really soemtimes i just don't want to answer them at that instant. i'm not that sort. i'm not confrontational - i have the tendency to say hurtful things.i don't want to. And i can't react well when being forced like that, esp to make decisions. i've made eanough hasty decsion till this point already.

whatever i say, esp when you're angry or drunk, wouldn't sit in your thick skull. its as though i'm like a mother trying to explain things to her teenage kid. it just goes in and cmes out the other way. it just seems you don't listen to me, or what i say. so why even make the effort to say it? isn't it a waste of time and breath? ironically when i tell you stuff, i feel like the small kid because whatever i say just gets disced away, tossed carelessly. ,maybe it's my way of phrasing things but esp when i get pushed to a corner, i babble and maybe it sounds like nonsense to u

it's funny how you listen to your friends more than me.it's even MORE hilarious when you start comparing and telling me that even your friends agree with u that your reasons for being angry holds truth. look at me, i'm laughing HA. i'm made the fool here once again, i'm the sinner once again. ladies and gentlemen, let's stone renee now. i'm made the fool and i'm the bad guy.watever i do will be wrong in your eyes. i'm being chided almost every other day when i see you. u keep lamenting that u'l never be good enough, but has it occured to you that...u are doin the same to me. correcting me for this and that...maybe i'm the one who's not good enough for u? i'll never live up to ur standards. according to your philosophies, everthing i do is wrong (and u mentioned consideration, calling my house around 1am in the morning...is that consideration?? oops i forgot, you were pissed, and like what u said, you can do and say whatever when you're in that state)

so why am i still deciding? why am i waivering, why am i still coaxing you? why? why am i still holding on? why? whyy?

maybe for one, i'm like you- i'm insecure. but for mycase i'm scared tat you'll flare up and lash out on me. that's my one major fear. your unpredictable temperament. it's frightening. kicking dustbins, hitting the floor with ur fists, throwing your tag on the floor and stamping on it. drinking yourself silly

and if i really do want to be single, i'll be labelled as the bitch again. horra! how exciting. i'll not only be hated by you, i dunno. i just feel like shit. i'm physically feeling like shit and now i can't sleep. mentally and emotionally, i'm not in good shape.

maybe it's time to let go. maybe it's time to give up.

maybe i should rid myself from everything.

renzi screams again...