i need to harden my heart further.
i've been a little too emotional lately. even talking about mama made me tear in the mrt train the other day. speaking of mama, i really miss her. i miss the pillar of support in my life. she couldn't speak english. all she could utter was probably taxi and occasionally correctly articulating "telok kurau". despite this, somehow her presence made it all better. sometimes it isn't a matter of words, it's the quality of the time spent with the particular person. she was just there all the time - the permanent fixture of my house.
i used to run to her after school, pull and tug her around the house, forcing her to play with me. that was primary school. i also remember hiding her cigarettes because i didn't approve of her smoking.
then came secondary school where my parents loosened the leash slightly. i didn't have time for her. however i recall being really scared in lower secondary when i found myself in the hospital everyday because she was admitted. at that instant i thought she was going to die. she had so many tubes stuck in her. it frightened me. this didn't teach me the lesson, the important lesson that she was the gem of the family. when she recovered, whatever that came out from her mouth sounded like naggings.
sigh..i don't wanna go on further. i'm too tired. i jus miss mama. i want her to be here. i want her to emotionally, not verbally, comfort me, cradle me and say "everything's goin to be alright".
guess you never realise how important a person is until u lose that person. it's a sad true fact. so cold and cruel. it really cuts deep.
i shall not show my true feelings. i shall not.
renzi screams again...
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