my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Sunday, February 19, 2006
10:10 PM

day 01: I'm not worthy

I wrote this during church service today. I was severely distracted:

It dawned on me that after what has happened, I'm not worthy. In light of everything, I will NEVER be worthy, and will probably go to hell no matter what.

Also, this is another revelation: I not only shut Kenneth out from my life, I generally avoid, even treat people who mean a great deal to me less than what I should be. I shut people out because I'm afraid. Even for God, I've hardened my heart. It could be because of pride; and it could be due to the fact that I don't want to feel vulnerable. I'm never in control. You can never be in control when it comes to relationships/friendships. Maybe that is why I ALWAYS screw up in friendships, and worse of all, relationships. I try to take charge and I end up hurting people around me.

I've been unfair, so unfair to them, especially Ken. I feel like punishing myself. I really don't know how to. I'm so unworthy of the two of them. I am quite certain what will happen come my birthday - I'll probably give the two of them up. I have to. I want to. I need to.

God, Kenneth, Lai, I'm unworthy. I'll never be worthy of your love. I won't be surprised that all of you will one day realise I'm a piece of shit, crap. One day, you'll turn your backs and tell me to scram, screw off, fuck off.

sigh

I hate to self-pity, and it really sounds like I am doing the exact action that I simply detest. The truth is, really, I'm just bashing myself up. I think emotionally beating myself up is worse treatment compared to physical torture. It eats you up, like maggots to stale meat, slowly and steadily. It becomes worthless, like how I'm feeling about myself right now.

I hate what I've become and I hate myself for it. I really hate me. I am angry at you, and I despise you!

Fuck you, Renee! FUCK YOU!

renzi screams again...

what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s

what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)

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