my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Tuesday, February 28, 2006
7:01 PM

wow, two in a row

You fucking whore... you act like something you are not. You will never be me. Dumb bitch, go sit in the gutter where you belong. one more thing, thanks for taking him off my hands... i think you deserve each other. retribution has a way of working dear...

What's with labels and insults these days? Wow, two in a week. I want more! Seriously, just hit me all at one shot.

I mean i dunno why i'm affected but i am. I know my reputation is probably the worse of the worse but hey at least i don't open my mouth, or in this sense, use my fingers to do the talking. if you want to, come straight to me and opening your fucking mouth. i may not retaliate in words because well you hear what you want to hear, it's always the case. So what can i say? Words cut, they really do. Sometimes I think coming up with a string of words is more hurtful and painful than someone physically punching you.

Just for the record, (even though i know she doesn't read this blog) i don't want to be you. i NEVER wanted to be you. And i never intended to portray myself as whatever you thought i was. I'm too lazy to defend myself. I'm too tired. I can't be bothered so yeah. We'll leave it as that.

sigh..i want to rant...R-A-N-T.......i need a calling card, i wanna call kee, i wanna call trs! =(((

renzi screams again...

Sunday, February 26, 2006
9:23 PM

i want to get out of the house - angsty post ahead

my brother's irritating me, he's so rude (no jia jiao...thanks to my parents) that i feel like giving him a tight slap. I won't be surprised if people are talking behind my parents' back of how they can't handle a boy, their only precious son.

my grandaunt's pissing me off, constantly screaming at my brother. i mean talk to him lah. if i were him, i would probably have tuned off now. her voice and screech really makes me wanna give her a good mouthful.

my dad and mum, no comments. i mean seriously, if u can't handle having a kid now, when you're both eligible to be even grandparents, why did u friggin adopt him? did u put ANY thought into this? hmmm enough said. i'm tired

argh i just want to run away from homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. thank goodness i'm goin out later. guess maybe i haven't actually put myself in their shoes. but i don't really want to now. all i know is, i won't be like them, in terms of parenthood. i'm very certain for that. we'll see.

renzi screams again...

Day 06,07 - Messages that disturbed me

Last msg from me. Gonna turn the phone off. Dunno if he told you this but he really gave up alot for u. Eusoff, student exchange, rugby, campus crusade pls if u can give him a chance.

Really gonna turn off the phone now. I think if you can give him a chance i think he more then deserves it but if you don't well i dunno i really think its your loss maybe his cos of his love but yeah i want him to have a chance but we are all past giving him advice cos he knows what he wants and we will support him as friends only. I honestly hope he will get what he wants cos he is a bloody great guy And yeah if he wants a bitch he shd get what he wants and the bitch will just be the luckiest bitch in the world. Cos i know he will treat her beyond what she deserves

Hmmm ok. Well i dont know you. So yeah wont bother you. Hope you can find your feelings for him, well yeah maybe give him a chance to make you like him again i think you will like him if you let yourself. Cos well its obvious how he feels and i think if you saw how much he loves you you wld fall in love with him again. I think all guys want a guy who wld be totally devoted to her and love her but what do i know about girls.

I don't see anyone who has the right to say that to me other than my friends. But then again, who am I to judge. Guess I'm the bitch in everyone's eyes. I am now, and will be till...the end of time. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I can't get back together with him. I wouldn't be able to live and be happy with Ken because of people around him (i probably can name some now) who think of me as the lowest of the low and that he could find someone better.

Thanks but no thanks for these messages. I may be a little sensitive but I don't give a fuck. I may have overlooked most of the contents of the messages but some lines stood out. I already have punished myself emotionally for all this time, so leave me alone.

renzi screams again...

Friday, February 24, 2006
1:01 AM

Day 05 - I need a drink

For probably most of my life, I wouldn't know certain things. I'm probably nonchalant about most things. Guess it's time...

I want a someone...

... to love me, and will probably continue to love me. I know time is an issue here. Many would argue that how can one actually promise something that is so intangible. Yeah true, and I'm not asking for the person to promise me, because I don't want jus promises. I guess that's an ideal.

... to walk with me during star-lit nights, stormy weathers, and i mean this literally. Even after a long day's work, it would be really romantic to jus stroll, unwind.

... to make me happy. when i'm down, he (hopefully not she) tells me jokes, poke or jab me, even hug me and tell me everyting's alright. when i've certain issues or am facing or dealing with my family, he would hug me and assure me.

... who is willing to do anything for me, like cook.

... who springs little surprises, like even little notes, it makes a person's day, makes a person feel loved.

... who can take care of himself. who is able to support himself (and hopefully me even though i'm working) emotionally and physically. he has to be my pillar of support (and i'll do the same)

... whom i can love and reciprocate the love being showered on me. i want to feel secure in his love, and know that even (as cheesy as it may sound), the world comes crashing down, he will be there, with me, going through whatever i'm going through (and i be willin to do the same). that's most important. i guess up till now, i can't find that someone.

guess i'll never find that guy

renzi screams again...

Thursday, February 23, 2006
3:08 AM

Day 04 - You will?

i wld've thot u of all ppl wld know her well enuf2understd wat she mus b goin thru..ur her fren4gdness sake..all i'm askin is help support her thru thistime..that's it..i'll take care of myself..thru it all, i still believe in her..

do you?

and will you take care?
I think the next time i see him, I'll get a fright of my life. I really hope that wouldn't happen. I really hope he takes care. sigh

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, February 22, 2006
1:41 AM

Day 03 - Dark rings from too much sleep?

I feel like some bum. I keep staying at home but somehow I'm reminded of certain things and issues that I'm probably procrastinating and refraining from facing. I try to avoid by sleeping but somehow it doesn't work. When I wake up I'm confronted by them again. Por por and everyone in the family haven't been making things easy too. Bryan made a comment that I looked pale today, and that I have dark eye rings. That can't be. I mean I HAVE been sleeping, more than normal and I still look like shit? Sigh..

I can't wait for these weeks to end; to tell him and the other one that there's no use, no point in waiting for me. I'm just a piece of shiat, and they can find better. I know I'm probably in no position to tell them to do anything but for their interest at heart, that's probably the right thing to do.

I guess there's no use beating myself up, so well I've decided to change; for better or worse, we shall see.

we shall see

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
3:09 PM

ouch.

fuck...i feel like crap now.

guess it's time to get out of the house. i'm trying VERY VERY hard not to drink.

ARGH!!!

renzi screams again...

maligned.

I really do. I really do feel that way.

You know what? Fuck u.

renzi screams again...

it's the earliest i'll ever sleep.

It's only what, 12am(?) and I'm already turning in. For some reason, it's harder at night. It always is. Oh well.

So good night world. I need to wake up early to run. I've a long day awaiting me.

I hope Andrew calls me tomorrow to greet me with good news about the camp. *crosses fingers* That would mean - 3 days of jam-packed activities! That would ALSO mean I wouldn't have the time to mope around, and hu si luan siang.

Okay, it's escaping time once again!
I'm ghost!

renzi screams again...

Day 02: Harder than I thought

Nothing much to say. I'm really tired. I'm glad I took a walk from Geylang to Telok Kurau because I didn't run. I was supposed to. Yeah the guys were laughing me, or well at my excuses. I seem to procrastinate all the time. One very good example is this whole fiesta. Another example would be my jobless predicament.

Sigh..okay.. 2 tasks for tomorrow - Send resumes and...finish up that thing. Ulgh!! NO MORE PROCRASTINATION.

sigh...i wonder...

renzi screams again...

Monday, February 20, 2006
4:49 AM

man!

the previous entry sounded so fragmented. =ppp sighhh...

anyway.. i am really tired. guess the swim really helped. i wanted to swim some more but my ankle hurt. damn it. it's gotta be some part of the body that refuses to cooperate. so well i stopped after 45 minutes. i wanted to swim for longer. will do that the next time round when i visit the pool.

guess i'm really glad for the two ex-classmates. they ate and drank with me. yeap...drank. but i don't think i drank that much. definitely not as much as the other day. but i guess that was probably influenced by cigarette smoke. speaking of drinking, in light of what's happening and that being really tough, i will also adopt a healthy lifestyle. that means i wouldn't be drinking (alcohol). also i wouldn't be consuming caffeine, chocolates and sweets. that would be friggin tough but hey this torture is nothing compared to the other.

i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle. whichever or whatever i decide on, i lose something. like what ken mentioned a loong time ago, i can't have everything. i suppose. but i always struggle and try to get what i want. guess that's why in this case, i am still fighting a losing battle. i never win. i never will.

tomorrow is a new beginning. i shall run in the morning. hopefully i don't puke after the run. i will try to push myself. hopefully i don't bust my knees. i'll meet ah kor after that. i can't wait, really.

renzi screams again...

i need to harden my heart further.

i've been a little too emotional lately. even talking about mama made me tear in the mrt train the other day. speaking of mama, i really miss her. i miss the pillar of support in my life. she couldn't speak english. all she could utter was probably taxi and occasionally correctly articulating "telok kurau". despite this, somehow her presence made it all better. sometimes it isn't a matter of words, it's the quality of the time spent with the particular person. she was just there all the time - the permanent fixture of my house.

i used to run to her after school, pull and tug her around the house, forcing her to play with me. that was primary school. i also remember hiding her cigarettes because i didn't approve of her smoking.

then came secondary school where my parents loosened the leash slightly. i didn't have time for her. however i recall being really scared in lower secondary when i found myself in the hospital everyday because she was admitted. at that instant i thought she was going to die. she had so many tubes stuck in her. it frightened me. this didn't teach me the lesson, the important lesson that she was the gem of the family. when she recovered, whatever that came out from her mouth sounded like naggings.

sigh..i don't wanna go on further. i'm too tired. i jus miss mama. i want her to be here. i want her to emotionally, not verbally, comfort me, cradle me and say "everything's goin to be alright".

guess you never realise how important a person is until u lose that person. it's a sad true fact. so cold and cruel. it really cuts deep.

i shall not show my true feelings. i shall not.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, February 19, 2006
10:10 PM

day 01: I'm not worthy

I wrote this during church service today. I was severely distracted:

It dawned on me that after what has happened, I'm not worthy. In light of everything, I will NEVER be worthy, and will probably go to hell no matter what.

Also, this is another revelation: I not only shut Kenneth out from my life, I generally avoid, even treat people who mean a great deal to me less than what I should be. I shut people out because I'm afraid. Even for God, I've hardened my heart. It could be because of pride; and it could be due to the fact that I don't want to feel vulnerable. I'm never in control. You can never be in control when it comes to relationships/friendships. Maybe that is why I ALWAYS screw up in friendships, and worse of all, relationships. I try to take charge and I end up hurting people around me.

I've been unfair, so unfair to them, especially Ken. I feel like punishing myself. I really don't know how to. I'm so unworthy of the two of them. I am quite certain what will happen come my birthday - I'll probably give the two of them up. I have to. I want to. I need to.

God, Kenneth, Lai, I'm unworthy. I'll never be worthy of your love. I won't be surprised that all of you will one day realise I'm a piece of shit, crap. One day, you'll turn your backs and tell me to scram, screw off, fuck off.

sigh

I hate to self-pity, and it really sounds like I am doing the exact action that I simply detest. The truth is, really, I'm just bashing myself up. I think emotionally beating myself up is worse treatment compared to physical torture. It eats you up, like maggots to stale meat, slowly and steadily. It becomes worthless, like how I'm feeling about myself right now.

I hate what I've become and I hate myself for it. I really hate me. I am angry at you, and I despise you!

Fuck you, Renee! FUCK YOU!

renzi screams again...

day 00: it's going to be long and hard

it has begun, well almost begun.

one has almost sworn that he would constantly bug and flood me with messages, the other doesn't want to message at all. we'll see how this works.

one, i am very utterly disappointed in; the other, i feel i've disappointed him more. i guess only time will heal this.

i don't want to compare no more. i'm extremely tired. i need to shower probably.

renee you shall resist.
renee, you need to.
renee... you CAN do this.

renzi screams again...

Sunday, February 12, 2006
10:25 PM

personality is not everything

hmm this friend talked to me online and said that i had a "superb personality" HA! wait till he finds out what i bitch i am. seriously i can be good at anything, i can see my potential there but when it comes to love (relationships), i can't handle that aspect t save my life.

so what if i do treat my friends well? so what if i do treat them better? i still take the people who are probably closest to me for granted the most. sigh... i need to work on that i suppose.

renee..u sux

renzi screams again...

it's hard

it's hard...really it is. even now when i don't get messages from him, i feel uneasy. wow... from this thurs up to my birthday, it'll be...a bitch. =p

but i tink its all for the best. i really hope it is. i reckon i need some time for myself. i need to sort myself out...

sigh..sometimes i just tink i'm so full of it, full of shit

renzi, u're such a selfish SOAB.

renzi screams again...

Friday, February 10, 2006
3:17 PM

the inevitable's nearing

ahh..after the camp i'm going to make this huge major decision that would probably affect 3 people. needless to say i'm the bitch in the whole equation again (what's new eh?)

i need a break. maybe and hopefully i get that particular job so i would be able to channel my energy and EVERYTHING (physically and emotionally) into doing my best. i've been sitting on my butt for too long.

so come 16th of feb, we'll see changes =)

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006
5:40 AM

i'm so goin to fuck up this interview. it's close to 3am and i can't..i can't sleep

renzi screams again...

screw u

u said i never felt that feeling? u said i never understand?? i got that fucking feeling jus a few days so dun give me that shit

i/m very tired

renzi screams again...

Monday, February 06, 2006
3:13 PM

screw it

i really feel like screwin everything, dropping E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and concentrate on other things. maybe i really need time off from guys. i need to sort myself out.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, February 04, 2006
11:10 AM

cruel to be kind

that's what so many people remind me. i hate being the villian. i hate being the bitch. i don't understand why i have to do this but if in the long run, he benefits, i suppose i will do it. =(

no replying until a month's time. hopefully by then he'll stop liking me, also, he'll not hate me =(

renzi screams again...

Friday, February 03, 2006
4:22 AM

red-eyed

that's my nick for today. i don't know what came over me but i had my first ever argument with someone other than my family members. it was daunting, it was different, it was scary...

i dunno, today's been an eventful day. i did wat i was 'supposed' to do. i knew it hurt but like wat many told me that it pays to be cruel. i've to be cruel to be kind. and even if it means that he'll hate me. it really sucks that someone whom you care so much tell you so much that you may not want to hear or listen. sigh..eitherways, i took a step, no wait, not even a step....i took a huge leap. i hope i don't fall...

i hope i don't fall...

renzi screams again...

Thursday, February 02, 2006
5:14 AM

i am easily distracted

i'm so amazed that there is someone out there who is still interested in me. i'm like a kid. in constant need of attention and love. i blindly reciprocate sometimes.

i dunno..i dun really wanna be distracted anymore. like what i told him, i am just very tired already. i lack the lustre and zest of a kid. in that area i'm way off. haha...i'm just jaded and worn out.

Dear God, I really need you now..

sighh...he just gave me flowers today but i don't want anything from ken. it'll make it even harder to let go. I mean obviously any girl in my shoes would want to be spoilt, but i guess i owe it to him to not be this selfish and i think he should have the best. i don't want to be unfair to him. that's all i'm thinkin and wishin now.

i'm a bitch, i'm a lover, i'm a child, i'm a mother, i'm a sinner, i'm a saint...

renzi screams again...