the more i write...the more i filter
i know a couple more ppl who read this blog. thats prob why i feel that i'm gradually filterin what i'm saying. i don't want to do it but guess that happens indirectly and subconsciously too.
i'm so glad for my other blog - the really personal one.
alvin said i was damn jialat to meet the two boys in one day. shucks. the longer i drag this further, the longer and the deeper i get myself into.
maybe i really should jus not see them for a while. maybe after chinese new year. i don't know about them, but i think i've hurt them enough. this has indeed dragged on for longer than i expected.
one says he'll perservere. one didn't show any sign.
one is very warm; the other, cold.
one keeps creating opportunities to meet me; the other is wavering.
sigh
shit, i lost my train of thought. damn it. i think i'm physically drained than anyhthing else. sigh.
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
2:17 AM
rational Vs emotional
su su * 牛奶 said:
RATIONAL *smack* must be rational. emo won't bring you faarrrrr
renzi_stil amused by tan boon kee said:
hmmmm..really?
su su * 牛奶 says:
what do YOu think?
renzi_stil amused by tan boon kee says:
i really dunno....the more i tink about it the more confused i become
eeeks....hmm... okok... you can choose only ONE
my mum also asked what's happening. i said i dunno and she kept pressing me and i had no answer
don't be greedy !!! 8bish only you should know
hahahah....
well...rationally i'll choose lai. emotionally i'll choose ken
best lorz
wrong answer
CHOOSE AGAIN !
---
hmmmmmmm...there's so much clarity now. i dunno why. i'm prob just waitin for the inevitible. there's one guy in my head now. however there are still so many 'buts' flowing around in my head. like what i told alvin and eemin, there are just too much "infinite possibilities".
i really just wonder, what happens if these two boys are placed in the same room as each other. which one would actually fight for me. i just wonder.
i'm waitin for time to pass. CNY please come quick! so i can decide on just being friends for another period of time and this time, i wouldn't be sms-ing and seeing either of them. think that would then allow clarity to surface. well..we'll see...for now...i need my sleep. my bathroom and bed beckons, i must not say no.
renzi screams again...
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Monday, January 16, 2006
12:50 PM
the trouble with love
Love can be a many splendored thing
Can’t deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It’ll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind
It’ll fool ya every time
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It’s stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn’t care how fast you fall
And you can’t refuse the call
See you’ve got no say at all
Now I was once a fool it’s true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world’s a deeper blue
I’m sadder but I’m wiser too
I swore I’d never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn’t worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name
Every time I turn around
I think I’ve got it all figured out
My heart keep callin’
And I keep on fallin’
Over and over again
The sad story always ends the same
Me standin’ in the pourin’ rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two
---
i simply love the soundtrack of love actually. pity my cd's a bit screwed at the moment. nooo dun die on meee...
for those who trust my taste, go download this song, "Glasgow Love Theme" by Craig Armstrong. it's also from the soundtrack of love actually. i dunno, everytime i hear it I feel like i need to run, literally of course. makes u very sad.
alvin made a couple of good points yesterday about the salt and peppar hahah..well things are getting clearer now.
on msn, someone asked "is it comfort..or issit love.Only u know Renee" very true indeed.
i just need more time, more time...
renzi screams again...
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i'm even more screwed up than i think i am
fuck fuck fuck fuck...argh!!!
why does kenneth have to do this to me? he says he's goin to make things even harder than it is already. thou shall not comply, thou shall not comply, thou shall not comply.
it's hard enough as it is. and it's hard that i'm tryin to be friends with the two of them. fuck man. playing with my mind and all, it's nhot fair. it's not fair to all of us, not even you friggin hell.
u said you wanna skew things to your side but it looks more like u've earned urself a demerit point.
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
8:51 PM
i am renee yang
yeap. that's me. the screwed up me.
renee yang resembles a little girl, who likes to eat...one simple example would be chocolate (which she tend to overeat). she likes to eat prawn mee even though there is a potential that she may get a bad case of rashes. that kinda shows her stubborn and care-less nature.
she also likes to stare into space and daydream, likes to argue for the sake of arguing, likes to do things that she knows would probably hurt herself.
she likes to be pampered. she adores recieving little gifts, and occasional surprises. that makes her day. it's the little things that make a girl, a little girl feel special. she doesn't want huge expensive gifts. she just wants to know and feel special, adored and spoilt. you can say she's extremely selfish.
she doesn't like cockroaches and all sorts of insects. it freaks her out. death freaks her out, this is espcially so with regards to her grandmother, whose death could be linked to smoking. she doesn't like smoking mainly because of that.
she doesn't know what's going on at the moment. for now some have been telling her to screw everything and be single and happy. she's currently thinking about it.
---
i dunno wat's going on. i really dunno wat's going on. i mean the ball's definitely in my court. two guys are waiting for my reply. now all i supposedly need is time. i keep getting pulled both sides. i'm getting tired. i'm sure two of them are getting tired too.
maybe i should just pull out and screw it. i don't wanna lead anyone on, i don't wanna hurt anyone. i know i'm just stalling time and procrastinating but i really dunno what i should do. man.
seriously i dunno what those two see in me. but hmm...i'll take these few weeks to think about it. maybe after CNY i'll just avoid the two. now tat's a plan.
renzi screams again...
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bright and sunny day
it's sunday, my fourth sunday back home. well it's 3rd since i spent a sunday in malaysia. enough of the technicalities (as if life aint complicated enough).
sometimes i think that i'm really making life difficult for myself. someone once told me that life's simple but i beg to differ. i'd like to think that life's pretty simple but us humans just love to stir things up for ourselves =p we make life more 'exciting' but adding different spices and at times, too much for our own good. for me especially i seem to be doing that.
in fact i seem to be doing that a looot more than others. not that i thrive in it. i should be learning from my mistakes and becoming wiser as i grow older but everytime i look at myself in the mirror, i see a girl. i see a small girl who's getting mentally younger by the day. i dunno whether that makes sense but hey i just feel that way.
i don't see what the guys see in me and sometimes i just wish that they can find someone else each. hahah selfish thought on my side because it definitely makes things easier for me. i know i've been been selfish for the past couple of weeks. wait a minute, let me get that right - past life! man. sometimes i just feel like shooting myself. kill me somebody, for i've just been a plain bitchy gal who just drags everyone down.
sigh...i really hope i made a right decision to be friends with them for now till CNY. we'll see. somehow i feel that i'm delaying the inevitable. but i guess i'll have to decide soon, very soon.
anyway time to go...i need to wash up, and go to church.
renzi screams again...
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Friday, January 13, 2006
2:05 AM
reliving it
memories, all alone in the moonlight...
well..today i went down to chinatown and walking down the same shelter, just reminded me of him. i guess like wat raymond once told me, you'll never be able to avoid certain places that remind you of people, which at that point in time was dom.
wish i could turn back time. wish i could do lots of things to undo certain things. but i guess things happen for a reason. does it not?
renzi screams again...
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
8:11 PM
i need to start deleting messages from my phone...
these messages are in order from the most recent to oldest (WARNING:long and painful and a seemingly self-pitying entry on my part)
eh on a more serious note k if you are going to kl and kosa mui be careful heard there was a bomb threat from my coach
sweet boy..sigh..stop being a sweet boy...pls
tell me lah dunn think i can sleep peacefully without knowing. pls
sigh...i need to see you to tell u...i would rather lah...
hmm you ok? sorry if i caused you pain or anything...i didn't want to do that but i cant help it also
dun tink u did. i still tink i caused you more pain than anything else...i'm a POS...piece of shit...piece of shit...
if i had cheated wld it make you feel less bad for being what you call a lousy gf which by the way i dont tink you were?
who are you kidding? i'm like the lousiest gf on earth. u said tat before damn it. get over this POS man...seriously for your own good look for someone better. if u like me that much, do that. for me
hmmm do want me to back off? i will if you want that...
sigh..yes..for your own sake. i want you to. i'll be fucking jealous if u get together with another gal but hey i'll be happy for you and hopefully we can still be good friends. truthfully think you are one of the few who knows me very well, in fact the best. sigh...
you said he does not know. hmm well if you wanna get attached to him...nothing i have to say but really dunn do that to make me get over you...and well give me a chance if you want...and i tink you more than good enough for me
...nooooooooo...POS POS POS POS POS POS POS POS.... me that is.... i'd rather you look for a gal so i can get over you...
sigh did you lie to me about him not knowing that we broke up. or did well he just get together with you despite knowing you are attached. cos either way pls be careful bouthim k cos honestly i do have a bad feelin bout him and even though we are thru would really hate for you to get hurt.
sighh...stop being so nice...stop...
at least give me a chance before you get attached to him. or is it too late already? sigh...
does it make a diff now? you deserve better. seriously argghh...
dunno. are you? i guess so but are you? i dunn wanna give up but i don't wanna steal other peoples girls. are you? sigh
that's the beauty of you...your charm.... sigh...anyway i'm not but didnt we agree already? once it's a break, it's a break? sigh
hmmm why dunn you make me happy then...go out with me sometimes hang out with me for coffee or go for a walk let me see if there is anything there haha...
we're supposed to be getting over each other...not rekindling feelings, or worse loving each other more...arggggggggggggggggggggggghh...go look for another better gal damn it.
i have never thought of you as a piece of trash,....and even if you were i guess i wld still like you...i mean well sigh i can't help it...i am how i am.
pos pos pos pos pos renzi_is_a_pos@killme.com
have you liked him. like how ago while we were together? hmm honestly i am kinda resigned to losing you but well doesn't mean i have to be happy about it nor will i go down without trying i guess but well sigh i dunno also lah i know how you feel cos i am as confused as you sometimes. sigh.
ok...let me make the decision for you silly boy, get another gal. (just tell me when you do, makes things all the more easier for me)
why tell me why? are you afraid of going out with me? hmm just wanna ask you. have you told me everything bout you and him?
from what i remember, yes.
basically i just wanna see if there is anything left before well we cross the point of no return ie you or i get together with someone else cos well i will never cheat on someone or be the someone that steals someone else's girl cos well it sucks...
that's what's so wonderful about u...sigh...i'm a piece of shite and u're like the complete opposite..so go find that girl who's perfect for you.
why if there is something there then well sholdn't we see if its something worth saving? if its not then well yeah but well i dunno i know i really wanna see ya....hmm and you think i wld be better off with someone else you never spared a thought for what i tink. i was happy then..now i dunno.
sigh.....dun do this to me...i'm a POS
anyway i really do understand that i think we have no more chance at reconcilliation and well wanna say that well if i am what is stopping you from being happy cos you dont wanna upset me then dont let me be that. but if there are still feelings then before you well get together with him maybe you shd give me a chance to see if there is anything left there. basically if there is a chance give me a chance. thats bt i wanted to say wont disturb you anymore.
i can't get together with you whether or not i'm single or attached to whoever. i can't...remember? i'm a pos!
ARGH kill me someone. i'm such a bitch...
renzi screams again...
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8 days...everyweek??
hahaha..man that was lame (good marketing taggie though...)
hmm... i had a dream last night. scary...
i dreamt that i was going to marry kenneth. for some reason i was reluctant to marry him. that resulted in the delay of the distribution of wedding invitations, the haphazard planning and my unwillingness to dress up for the wedding celebration itself. i tink i know why i acted the way i did. but scary to tink about it nonetheless. arghhhh
---
this song is in my head...
Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through
Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin, say forget it just for spite
I think of you ev'ry night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you that's why
I hate myself for loving you
renzi screams again...
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nothing has changed much really
singapore's still singapore, my room's still as messy and well, i'm still plagued by certain predicaments. oh well...
time to bathe and rest for now. i need it for the long day today (it's already wednesday!)
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006
2:18 PM
to forget him
off i go to malaysia.
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, January 01, 2006
5:51 PM
you've to be cruel to be kind
that's wat someone wise told me. i suppose that's true... a reply to ken was...
for your own sake, look for someone else
renzi screams again...
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what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s
what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)
click below to
contact me
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