my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Friday, December 30, 2005
3:15 AM

i hate nights...probable last entry for this blog.

i really hate night times. i feel like beating myself up more at night. hmmm think God's goin to strike me down soon. well if so, kill me quick and swift. i dun wanna die a slow and painful death. anyway...messages from him...

---

Anyway going for supper now wont sms disturb you think yuo are busy. Pls jus tell me if you are happy now thats all i wanna know. That wld make me happier now. Hmm i'm not saying anything about getting back or anything k but just consider i was happy with you prob not over ya yet but welll it takes time. ----> sigh we'll never get back together. and what difference would it make if i were happy or not. hmm sigh i deserve to be shot.

huh? you ok? hmmm...............................really can tell me if you are happy now i just wanna know thats all. i do want you to be happy ------> sigh as long as u're happy, i'll be happy.

what if i was not happy? wld it make any difference? i'm happy guess cld be happier but life is ok so i am happy haha ------> like i said, as long as u're happy. and knowing that u're happy does make a difference. it makes me less guilty for breakin ur heart and more importantly, i still care for you.

i was saying i dont regret us lah and that i wld do it again if given the choice to go back in time and the sex was good and was asking are YOU happy now? -----------------> I DUNNOOOOoooooo...... i really dunno. i'd like to think i am but when i'm alone i start to doubt myself and my feelings again. (but yesh....the S word was good hahahahhaha)

eh no really dunn be angry i really am not being sarcastic really all i have said is out of concern really no shit i dunn have to give you shit we can be friends really just cant go out with the guys and i really do want you to watch for yourself cos i am still concerned for you blk i said is true lah -------------> hmm u sounded sarcastic (in next few msgs) and no, i'm not angry...can we really be friends? hmm realistically speaking, it's hard lor..

yeah. u? well if you need physical comfort come to me. hee. oh and really be careful kesp with guys. dunn take this the wrong waybut guys alot of times just want well you know and err well hope this doesnt anger you but you are kinda easy no offence but am sure lai thinks something like that. ----------------> OUCH... thanks for the advice anyway, advice from a friend i'm sure. yeah i noe i'm easy. have been and always been eh? maybe that's why you got me that easily anyway. maybe that's even kinky for you, i dunno. sigh... guess i'm easy in so many people's eyes, i'm a slut, bitch and whore rolled into one (damn it, all have the same meaning/connotation anyway). sigh...easy is subjective anyway. oh well...

well what to do...well we can be fuddies if you are interested in the future lah haha nostrings haha just good clean fun haha -------------------> the more i tink about it, the more i tink if i do call u wouldn't i be cheapenin myself? oh i forgot, you tink i'm easy. but i do have to say u're quite good, good at words, good in bed. oh well...

yeah when i thought about it kinda. really too much lah you cheatin on metwice plus a lot of what we had was mainly physical lah i think alot of sex. ------------------> DITTO.

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my last entry for this blog. i'll be moving. think i need a break from everything. i'm pretty settled in another blog right now. guess this is it. i've caused so much trouble so much heartache. so much so that i'm startin to hate myself. guess it takes time. i thought about it. many people will have their opinions about me as well, probably something along the lines of how i am viewing myself at the moment. i'm hating it but i guess i have to live with the consequences eh?

i'm a bitch, i'm a lover, i'm a child, i'm a mother, i'm a sinner i'm a saint...

let's see..last words? i love kenneth joel elias. and like my previous ex, dom, i'll always have a soft spot for him. however like dom, once i break up (or well for this matter, i dunno who broke up with who, ken tinks he broke up with me so yeah) there's not turning back even though i may pine for him (he'll never want me back anyway). i am not good enough for him, and probably anyone. i'm goin to die with thick bouts of cobwebs stuck on me. i just know it

mannn..i almost sound like i'm self-depreciating myself. i know i am, well *shrug*

time to go now.

renzi screams again...

Tuesday, December 27, 2005
1:21 PM

sappy love songs playin on class95.

man damn it. stupid radio. stupid brother. hahaa i mean i woke up because of the blasting of my borther's game. i really need to move downstairs to sleep i think. mum did ask me what or well where i wanted to have my 'new' room. damn it, i wanna move house. MUM I WANNA MOVE HOUSE!!! this house has too much memories, mama, him...

okay...renzi you shall be strong.

anyway speaking of being strong, i've been pretty weak physcially. i had to even see the doc yesteday. i went to kai's and well doc told me to not exercise. damn! how can i not exercise??? i mean i haven't been exercising for God knows how long. sniffles. i kinda went swimming with lai and his friends. they all did swim, i just soaked in the sun (ah that i must say, feels good. to be able to soak and bask in the glory of the heat. singapore...ahhh)

i dunno..i'm just rambling now. everyone claims the truth hasn't even sunken in. guess so. that's probably why i've packed my schedule so badly because i don't relaly wanna be alone. let's seeee....today, i'm meeting karen for lunch, then i've to head down to bishan for terrence's party till late (i can't wait for the turkey etc). tomorrow, let's seee....i may be unpacking and then i'll meet the spice gals... thursday, lunch at aunty lena's and.....movie with prob lai and kee THEN our indian dinner (mental note to ask the peeps in terrence's place). friday, let's seeee.......lunch with my dear charms and dinner with alvina, drinks with oaks, alvina and karen.

---

i miss him... =( but i guess it's good that he suggested that we dun see each other for a while. then we wouldn't flirt like stupid rash schoolkids and it'll allow us to get over each other? =( mann..it just feels wierd to see his status as...single in friendster. mannn..i should delete that account soon...

new year's resolution... to be less of a bitch and be a nicer gal. santa i'll be nice so i can get nice pressies next year! =)

renzi screams again...

sometimes love just aint enough

I don't wanna lose you
I don't wanna use you
just to have sombody by my side

and I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
but I don't wanna be the one to cry

that don't really matter to
anyone... anymore
but like a fool
I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door

there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby sometimes love just ain't enough

now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
baby you don't have to take the fall

yes I may have hurt you
but I did not desert you
maybe I just want to have it all

it makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain
and like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

there's a danger in loving somebody too much
and its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
there's a reason why people don't stay where they are
baby sometimes love just ain't enough

renzi screams again...

Monday, December 26, 2005
11:37 AM

christmas has come and gone...it's already boxing day

Sometimes I have to tell myself to keep on breathin'
My heart is not believin' you're gone
I try hard to remind myself, time will do the healin
'Cause right now I'm not feelin' all that strong
Everything's a memory; and how they're taunting me
Just one simple thing and I break down and cry

Why, I wanna scream it's just not fair
Pray to God I didn't care
I wanna turn back time
Turn back time and have you here with me
I wanna find someone to blame
But sometimes life gets in the way
And it doesn't care how much we love
Cause sometimes love is just not enough

Oh we took a chance, we gave it all we had and couldn't make it
It didn't work for all the times we tried
No matter how we loved it seems the odds were just against us
Now we have to build our separate lives
But I'm not ready yet, too much to forget
Oh it still feels like a part of me is dying

Why, I wanna scream it's just not fair
Pray to God I didn't care
I wanna turn back time
Turn back time and have you here with me
I wanna find someone to blame
But sometimes life gets in the way
And it doesn't care how much we love
Cause sometimes love is just not
Sometimes love is just not
How come love is just not enough

renzi screams again...

Saturday, December 24, 2005
7:45 AM

fuck

there's no fifty cents per fuck joke in this entry. hell, i'm experiencing a whirlwind of emotions at this moment. in a span of one day, i lost my freedom (so to speak), the only place i call home (in seascape) and the boy that i like very much (maybe even love).

well...at least he clearly knows for sure that he doesn't like me anymore. he even thanked me. guess i've hurt him too much. i'll be severely jealous if any gal comes along the way but well if he's happy i suppose i will be happy for him too.

dear... this will be the last time i'll be calling you that. thank you for everything and for taking my shit all the time (i tink u're the only person who has probably seen me being VERY ugly and you still accepted it). thanks and i love you. you deserve so much better i swear. will be thinking of you. love, renee

this the season to be jolly...
ha!

renzi screams again...

Monday, December 19, 2005
2:44 AM

why...

why am i such a screwd up individual? why am i doin things to hurt the people who mean the most to me? why am i pushing this person ......away from me; to his limits?? what the fuck is my motive, or are my motives? wat am i achieving in doin such shit?

---

another friend's gone today. i hugged her for a good 10-20 seconds. nothing will be the same again. no more bitching, no more chirpy hellos, no more good mornings on msn, no more washin the dishes with her, nor washin the toilets with her...

at times like these i just want to bury myself alive...

renzi...renee yang shiqi, i'm utterly disappointed in you. you're like ur brother, a disgrace to the Yang clan, a probable slut in everyone's eyes and just a silly gal who is a fucking ass.

renzi screams again...

Saturday, December 17, 2005
5:47 PM

...

i'm at my wits end now...i know i brought everything upon mysef and i probably deserve it. everyone should just shoot me now.

renzi screams again...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005
11:17 AM

something to take away from HOUSE

hmm you cannot control your emotions but what you can control is your actions....

how true is that...at times like these i really need jean and karen. sniffles...

maybe i really should go back earlier. what was i even thinking when i booked the bloody 23rd flight??

i was goin through a series of thought-provoking sessions yesterday. it occured to me that i still have no idea. i have no clue as to what i should do in the future. i have no plans to actually actively make and effort to find out. i'm a piece of shit. i've grown so much. i don't want to be jus known as the "nice gal". i don't want people to view me as that anyway. life's just gets more and more complicated as time flies by. i need to be more responsible. i need to get over some issues. bah...i jus wanna go back in time, maybe.......................back to secondary school days?

come to tink of it...i miss eemin. he's my first platonic guy friend. many claim that there is no such thing as platonic friends but hey he's living proof that it is actually possible. i just had this chat with susu about it. not all guys get to know you for reasons that are...well, say to get into your pants. i'll leave it as tat.

i miss my sec school mates...xiuying, christina, catherine, kum kit, max, alvin...sigh...i wanna go back now...

renzi screams again...

Friday, December 02, 2005
11:17 AM

...

i'm feeling sluggish at the moment. it should be because of the rain - pitter patter pitter patter. it's calming, almost therapetic to just watch the rain. i really feel like just doin nothing today, maybe rest. on the other hand i feel like walking in the rain, experience the unpredictability of Nature itself, at the same time exposing my vulnerability. maybe i'll do that later...

renzi screams again...

i sound real silly

it's close to 6 in the morning and i've yet to sleep. i reckon i've become a nocturnal creature. i tink i'm doin this because well...i don't want the day to end. and when i wake up, i know one day has passed by again.... =ppp it's jus so fast...it's too quick....

sighh... can u ever miss people when they are still here?

renzi screams again...

Thursday, December 01, 2005
9:05 PM

=(((

after typing out cheng's msg, a sudden influx of emotions came surging through my faculties. =( spending time with the stupid boys and silly gals hit me that it's time to go back. funny how things turned out. i mean since the beginning of this year when i stepped into the plane, i prayed and wanted this year to end quickly. it did come true, the prayer that is, but somehow i'm jus lost and sad, not to mention reluctant to go back. nothing life changing happened but i just feel that time spent here is not enough.

this year's been the best year of my undergraduate term. i met the best people and made more friends that i didn't expect to get close to. i did so many things i thought i wouldn't do. it's all ending too quickly. i'm not prepared. come to think of it, i haven't prepared myself for this.

when cheng left this morning, i realised things will be different. no matter what shit people say about how things wouldn't change, and as ideal as it may sound, it remains well, idealistic. people change, circumstances change...nothing will be the same.

sigh...soon all the peeps will be returning to their respective home countries for good, or either that for their summer break. it doesn't really help that i'm one of the last to leave melbourne. it really feels that everyone's leaving me to some extent. i guess i'm beiung overly dramatic here but i suppose spending 3 years of your life in an environment that is totally foreign, adapting and making the best out of everything does drape you down when you know you're reaching the end point.

that's why i hate endings, i dun like reading story books, i dun really like watching movies, i don't like goin for camps, there are always endings. sigh... oh well....

i should be goin over to wani's soon. i shouldn't be at home brooding. i need to get out of the house... =(((

renzi screams again...

a note from cheng

"thankew for all the laughter and joy that you bring to my life. without meeting you, guess my life here would be very dull. thanks for alwiz dragging me to go jogging. a good motivator man hahaha. all in all its a great experience renzi =) hope to see you in malaysia. i love you. cheng"

almost brings a tear to my eye =(((

renzi screams again...

22 more days to go.

my education journey in australia will finally be over...somehow or rather i don't seem to be too excited. i wonder why...

been brooding about something for a couple of days... i guess i'll have to live with it =p

i really don't understand myself. *shrug*

i miss karen and jean...

renzi screams again...