my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Thursday, October 27, 2005
5:43 PM

i feel cheated

i know i deserve this but i still feel cheatedddd by the gals =((( oh well...guess i brought it upon myself for offering and even expecting them to stay home for dinner everyday. one reason why i'm prob feeling this way is because they tipped my boat and i dun feel like i'm in control.

i need to be in control of situations, i need to be in control of every single matter of my life. i know life's not like tat. life's always changing and is always inpredictable. i need to learn. it kinda reminds me of my relationships with so many people like my family and ken, where i've feel pretty much helpless sometimes. maybe that's why i always find trouble. hmm that's prob why. trs pointed out that we can control everything except for matters like life, and even family. after putting thought into it, i realised u can't control pretty much everything. one example's feelings/relationships. you can't control your feelings for someone. you can repress it but hey the feelings are still there (matter of ShortTerm vs LT-issue whether u can feel a certain way now or later). in relationships, it's worse. you're in a relationship with another party. as many would say it takes two to clap. two parties are involved and when this happens, ha! you can forget about even thinking of the term 'control'.

i'm not saying that we're helpless beings, subject to the World's torments and cruel jokes. like what Lai brought up, we do have a choice. and regarding the issue of control. we can choose to control but we will still be influenced and brought down to our knees by a whole series of factors that we cannot resist. it takes a lot of effort and even a Mighty hand to help you.

ahhh control is like air....you tink you have a grasp of it but in actual fact, you don't.

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anywayyyy 14 more days to go before i start my first exam. i'm quite scared, yet excited. i'm more nervous for the future that what's only so temporal right now. ken boy thinks i worry too much but it's inevitable. everything seems laid out for him, and i'm the complete opposite. i really need to start sending resumes, and even praying. sigh...

hmmm time to finish up one more last chapter before i start typing out notes for the day. =ppp

renzi screams again...

what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s

what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)

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