my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Sunday, July 24, 2005
7:58 AM

a long letter...

hmmm...dunno whether u've read the other email...

seems like it doesn't matter to u too but either ways i tink i would like to tell you about something.

please note that you should read this when u're awake or yeah...u noe wat i mean. u seem oblivious to me all the time.

sigh...

it is my last night. and i really didn't mind going out or hanging out with the peeps from church. but what urked me was...when you and jean were damn chummy. u may argue that i'm being oversensitive but come on jus look around u or maybe ask the peeps, or even ask a bystander who doesn't noe ANY of us and they would prob think u two are a couple.

by the way you guys were teasing each other, by the ways you guys were sharin photos, by the way you guys were sms-ing, by the way she leaned against you.

am i justified to say tat??

i felt damn left out. you conveniently put your hand indirectly on jean's lap (it was in between a pillow) but come on...i have to say i was jealous. i dunno whether you do this to all ur galfriends i really dun wanna noe but in front of me???

you take photos with her you smile, and with me you give stupid faces. you oblige to her requests wat about your fucking galfriend? wait...do you even regard me as your girlfriend? OR...hmm the irony of it all..i'm jus as wat i asked, jus a fucking girl-friend.

i know i sound damn harsh but it jus made me even more irritated that ONLY when you realised that i'm not talking, that i moved to the floor that you actually bothered to talk to me, and try to pacify me. how sensitive.

and how and wat a way to spend my last night with my boyfriend. really. i didn't join charms for you, i didn't do so much for you. in relationships dont u tink we sacrifice? i tink i've done so...maybe you have. monetary-wise i'm sure you have but maybe i'm aksing for more. maybe i'm being unreasonable.

MAYBE you should tell me how you feel. you haven't done it for so long. you always sigh. i tell you most of the time how i feel (when you convienientely say "a penny for your thoghts") but when i ask you, you say nothing. sometimes i dun even dare to ask you for fear i'm pushin too much. but why do i fear so much?

why do i fear so much? seriously. i fear for you when you gave me an open-ended SMS about an emergency. i cried and i was so worried. i mean a simple SMS could have done the trick.

why do i fear so much? i fear that once we stop having sex "too much" you'll lose feelings for me. tat's wat u said before that is why i offer myself like a cheap slut to you so many a time.

why do i fear so much? i fear that one day you'll explode because of the amount of boys i go out with, sometimes trying to make you jealous. (i noe i am walking on thin ice but sometimes i try to gain attention tat way)

why??? tell me why.

everytime i pray i always ask God to protect my heart because i can't afford to get hurt again. i dun wanna get hurt again. i always look for certainty and i need to be in control. but when it comes to this r/s really i'm always at a loss.

so wat should i do now?

(wow if u've finished reading everything..give yourself a pat on the back. think it's apretty long email. i'm sorry if i've been harsh..but now i've finally FINALLY gotten round to telling you everything. maybe today, wat happened earlier before gab's matter was a good thing, )

i dun foresee you replying so..yeah...well jus wanted to let you noe.

and please note that i still do love you.

ps: you may take your parents' love and even God's love for granted but...pleaseeeeeee dun break my little heart, no matter how strong i look, by taking me for granted.

from your selfish girlfriend,
renee yang shiqi

renzi screams again...