my dreams, my thoughts, my battles, my life

Tuesday, October 19, 2004
11:47 PM

...

well i'm sitting here in my room, clothed normally, sitting normally ...everything's normal here but why don't i feel normal? it's just like it struck me again that i'm feeling so alone. no matter how many friends i have, no matter how many bloody HDs or Ds i have, no matter how much i have, i won't feel satisfied.

i'm chatting to adrian right now this very minute and he keeps telling me that God will break me down becayse i mentioned to him that i have too much pride. will He? In my occasional times when i'm by myself thinking, i pray in the rarest of times asking Him to show me Him. maybe a voice, maybe a shining light, like how he has shown himself to extraordinarily. is that too much to ask? or can i even take it?

i know i say i'm happy witht he way things are, yes to a certain extent but this is not enough. i'm still feeling empty. some may claim that the void is meant for God to come into my life again. maybe. but what happens if all this is just a hoax, a safety net for people to fall and pull themselves up again. isn't that a form od escapism as well?

i don't wanna cry over this, and neither do i want to whine about my emptiness to anyone. i just dunno what to think anymore. i am a certain person who is like this on some occasion, i'm another complete different person on another occasion. what is wrong with me? or what is wrong witht he world?

can God really help? can He really save me from all this misery? is There really a stairway to heaven? if so...why is there a heaven and a hell? why is there satan and god? why is there good and evil? why are there so many questions that a hovouring over me? why is there a constant cloud? why am i not satisfied by the answers given to me by anyone???

fuck this shit for now man....

i need to straighten myself for the time being to get my shit done in australia this year.

renzi screams again...

what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s

what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)

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