ramblings of the procrastinator
i think i'll be quite a funky mum despite contrary beliefs that i'll kill my kid... hahha
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just wondering whether i'm a lousy galfriend. i mean i'm not saying tat this gal is but she seems to be treating her bf like...well jus taking him for granted. i wonder whether i do tat too. and if i do that do ppl see me like tat?
i also think to myself why some guys still stick to their unreasonable bitches if they are like tat to him and vice versa? why do gals stick to their violent boyfriends if they are beating them up? why isit so unfair for some ppl?
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i wonder why he has to constantly complain... do ppl see that and jus jump straight to conclusions? do i listen to one side of the story and jump the gun, and make assumtions of others? what right do i have?
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is it evil for me to say that some ppl can jus never get over other ppl? am i like tat too?
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why are some gals jus bitches? and why are some guys bastards?
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Then..why are some ppl so full of themselves while others are drenched in the lack of self-esteem, wallowing in self-pity?
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why was i foolish enough to get together with dom?
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ppl say bewarre of the 3-5-7 mark. that's scary shit i say. so wat? every 2 years after the 3rd year of being toether with someone, the person has to look out for signs of disaster??
renzi screams again...
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Monday, October 25, 2004
9:18 PM
if i die...
i know morbid is my middle name bcos i constantly think of death and how people would react and many others along those lines.
funny thing is i realised, that many people talk about the joy of life and how wonderful it is to live life. but hey we tend to avoid or miss out well the darker things in life, one of which is death.
was just thinking...if i had something to say to a couple of people who mean something to me, actually quite a bit to me...what would i say.......and i came up with this:
1. dad: thanks for everything, for taking care of me materially and for ever spoiling me.
2. mum: thanks for being whatever that you are to me. you may not be the world's perfect mum, but you are perfect to your daughter!
3. ken: hey stupid boy i just wanna thank you for bearing with me and my tantrums. i think other than my family, no one has experienced my tantrums. (LUCKY BASTARD) guess you mean a lot to me.
4. karen: my best friend. i love you for loving me and i thank you for just being karen, my shining sun! *wink*
5. jean: prob one of my longest neighbour, sister and friend. i appreciate you for being "mean jean" and for being yourself. you're one in a million.
6. alv: the house brought us together and everything else that happened brought us even closer together. thank you for being there for me and for being my serogate mum in aus
7. persis: my ever-concerned cousin. i've known you since i was born and ppl say that we can't choose our family, but even if i had a choice, i would not choose anyone else to replace you!
8. rencong: although we only know each other for less than 2 years, i still thank you for being my special buddy and i love you! (AS A FRIEND AH!!!)
9. eemin: my buddy since secondary school. thanks for everything and for just loving me for who i am =)
hahahhaa...the list goes on....this is only the beginning. after some time i would update this. until maybe it becomes a really long string of ppl in my life =)
hahah i always think that i'll die everytime i fly an aeroplane. i hate flying. sigh... so if i die on the 20th next month. whoever reads this, show this to my parents. (THAT IS IF I DIE! HAHAHH)
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, October 24, 2004
11:00 AM
26 more days
well well..i can't believe myself..seriously. fancy thinking about stuff like that...bahhhh... oh well i hope the exams make my mind less idle. and for some reason i'm having tied up nerves in my tummy. what's wrong renee? i'm feeling so much better...jus nervous for some reason...
let's see....
right now...for my subjects...
com2020: 63%
com2417: 63%
mkw1220: 75.45%
scy3021: 80%
i'm very interested to find out...how my exams will make me fare... i hope i dun fail nor get any Ps this sem. it's my aim. =)
let me speculate:
com2020: sigh...sadly a P
com2417: C+
mkw: C+ to a D
scy: HD (prays hard)
yeap...arggghhh...i'm getting very very very nervous for some reason.... help!! i hate exams. tat's why i wanna work. but...maybe one reason why i'm feeling this way is because while reading my PR text, i was thinking, do i wanna choose this route. it's exciting but there's just so much to do. then again, every job has its peak periods and busy times. bahhhh.... sometimes i just wanna be bum and be irresponsible, live off my parents..haha impossible. i still have my bro. *shrug* oh well
time to go...argghh..i feel like some nervous wreck. FOR NO APPARANT REASON!!! arggh!!
renzi screams again...
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Friday, October 22, 2004
7:45 PM
i feel like fuck
it could be combination of a lot of factors that make me feel this way. fucking hell. i'm sick and i'm feeling very miserable. i've never felt this miserable since god knows when, my 19th birthday....... ARGH...
argghh!!! and i feel so cheated by the ex-execs. come together for a meal...it's fucking diff. i tink it'll be hard to do so...oh well no biggie because i've tried already.
i jus feel so fucked up. argghghhh...i hope i get better soon
renzi screams again...
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
6:17 PM
action speaks louder than words
i agree!!! i really do!
renzi.blogspot@gmail.com.... =)
renzi screams again...
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Wednesday, October 20, 2004
12:25 AM
what is wrong with me?
ALWAYS after i watch some tv drama serial that i plunge into acute, not acute, but i guess minor depression. i feel all down and start thinking sad thoughts.
what is wrong with me? it's just a drama serial renee! why do i immerse myself in drama serial after drama serial? why do i pursue such shows religiously? why?
why do i ask the question WHY? because i haven't been asking for the past maybe what 18-20 years in my life? why am i afraid to ask WHY?
i know sometimes i dramatise my life a great deal and doing that doesn't even make me feel better. does that make a better person, NO. hell yeah! fuck. what has become of me? what will make me happy? NO FUCKING THING. am i destined to not be happy? am i meant to be this sad?
i'm so fucking screwed up. i'm sooo fucking screwed up. sometimes i think to myself that maybe ken would be better without me. with a screwed up gf like me, he wouldn't go far. hahah
oh well...time to head on out...conquer the world.
~wish upon a star, ***renzi (it's 12.29am)
i'm going to look for a place that teaches russian damn it. i need to learn and master something.
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004
11:47 PM
...
well i'm sitting here in my room, clothed normally, sitting normally ...everything's normal here but why don't i feel normal? it's just like it struck me again that i'm feeling so alone. no matter how many friends i have, no matter how many bloody HDs or Ds i have, no matter how much i have, i won't feel satisfied.
i'm chatting to adrian right now this very minute and he keeps telling me that God will break me down becayse i mentioned to him that i have too much pride. will He? In my occasional times when i'm by myself thinking, i pray in the rarest of times asking Him to show me Him. maybe a voice, maybe a shining light, like how he has shown himself to extraordinarily. is that too much to ask? or can i even take it?
i know i say i'm happy witht he way things are, yes to a certain extent but this is not enough. i'm still feeling empty. some may claim that the void is meant for God to come into my life again. maybe. but what happens if all this is just a hoax, a safety net for people to fall and pull themselves up again. isn't that a form od escapism as well?
i don't wanna cry over this, and neither do i want to whine about my emptiness to anyone. i just dunno what to think anymore. i am a certain person who is like this on some occasion, i'm another complete different person on another occasion. what is wrong with me? or what is wrong witht he world?
can God really help? can He really save me from all this misery? is There really a stairway to heaven? if so...why is there a heaven and a hell? why is there satan and god? why is there good and evil? why are there so many questions that a hovouring over me? why is there a constant cloud? why am i not satisfied by the answers given to me by anyone???
fuck this shit for now man....
i need to straighten myself for the time being to get my shit done in australia this year.
renzi screams again...
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Monday, October 18, 2004
9:31 PM
an interesting note...
it's jus interesting to note that i, like i'm sure many others, have always hoped for people we can never be together with. i would not justify whether it's not a good nor bad thing, but in a general sense all i am saying is we always crave for something"better" but maybe... it always happens that the"better" catch is always right smack in front of you, possibly waving for more attention. and as one better person said this "you will never realise this person's worth to you until you lose the person". isn't that sad and heartbreaking to experience that?
this human mentality can make and break so many relationships!
soooo...renee...try not to fall into that category...be nice to the ppl around you,ESPECIALLY the ones who love and care for you.
but what happens if...they dun reciprocate??????????
that i really dunno..... sigh
renzi screams again...
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things i wanna do before i die
1) meet at least one star, face to face
2) star in a play
3) sing for a whole group
4) earn at least 10k per month
5) bungee jump with a loved one
6) sky dive with someone i love
7) say that i love someone
8) reach...a/c to alv, sexual peak HAHA
9) say i love you to my parents
10) go to paris, europe with a somebody =)
11) plan someone's wedding
12) make someone's day everyday
renzi screams again...
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Sunday, October 17, 2004
10:14 PM
flabsssss
i'm feeling vulnerable now. think it's my menses...man! i think every gal, at least once in her lifetime, would blame it on the menses, her pms and all that shit. i wonder what guys use when they're in a bad mood. are they even entitled to complain?? tsk...i hate it when we gals become bitches but i dun really care at this pt
i feel kinda flabby. i've been to the gym but ....nothign seems to work. i dun wanna complain to any of my friends because it's such a cliche topic to tok about. in my opinion, if they happen to tok about it, we'd prob glaze over the subject. i HATE tokin about weight. gals tend to focus on their appearance. that's scary. what's even more scary is how many gals would use the models as a role or guide to what they should be. tsk why should we, girls/women, be subject to scrutiny all the time? why should WE be objectified all our lives? why should we be stick-thin? does that make us happy? NOOO...it will prob only make us feel like we need to be more skinny, to be pretty. being skinny DOES NOT equate to being pretty. why doesn't anyone fuckin get it??
tsk..
sometimes i dun get why i dun get it. i also get sucked in teh system somehow.
i dun want to!
renzi screams again...
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i'm scared...
haha just wanted to pen this down since it occured to me again.
well after reading the few usual blogs, i started to ponder about next year. i tell you ALL my close friends are leaving this year. this is so bad. sigh. i mean i know i can make friends and all but close people who actually know and understand what i'm saying are hard to find. it's even harder to find people who actually know what i'm thinking even before i speak (tat's kinda scary aint it?)
i know i can make things work out for people i want to be close to but...the people who really know me...ARE GEMS.
sigh...charms, alvina...i'll really miss you guys.
and for charms i know she is also quite interested in finding out who i'll hang out with...so will i man. hahha we shall jus wait and see...
it's quite scary for what the future has in store for me.
i'll be calling SIA soon...to change my flight.
~wish upon a star, ***renzi (it's 10.51am)
renzi screams again...
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004
11:11 AM
i won't say i'm happy for you if i dun mean it
hmmm i really wonder whether you thought about whether you're doing this to
1) make yourself feel better, that you have another half right now
2) make him feel better, or reassure him
3) make another him KNOW that you're happy
4) psycho yourself that you are happy
i really hope you are. in the meantime i'll just wait and see...i dun wanan say something that i don't mean. i want to hug you one day, if that happens and i really genuinely know that he's true, and say "i'm very happy for you"
i think i've wavered quite a bit in terms of being true, honest and firm. i'm still trying hard not to be hypocritical. i will prob always be tryin because of how society's like. but i'm making a concious effort. well pushin hypocrisy out of the way, i really hope he's true to you because i don't want you to get hurt again and go through so much pain and suffering. AND i really hope on your part you don't hurt him as well.
both of you are my friends and all i can say now is i wish you all the best.
~wish upon a star, ***renzi (it's 11.15am)
haha tat's a bad habit i must say...wishing upon a star..
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004
3:50 PM
man!
ahahhaa jus decided to go onto friendster for a while and...guess whattt.... soo many girls of my age are...so much more well-groomed, presentable and seemingly prettier than me. man! life's unfair sometimes eh? i know i'm lamenting on the worst issue but..hey sometimes one needs to wallow. and i'm in that stage right now
sighness...
some ppl tell me i should try to dress up and stuff...but i'm not comfortable. however when i go out, many around me stand out. i feel like some plain jane. feels like some double edged sword. tat's why i'd rather be a guy sometimes. i dun have to worry about weight, skin, all that shit.
BAHHHHHHHHH....
life's unfair smetimes...but i guess i still thank God for how pleasant (hahah i feel tat i'm being politically correct here) i look =)
renzi screams again...
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Monday, October 11, 2004
4:01 PM
an excerpt from my diary...
"showing emotions is good and being bitchy gives u the upper hand to beslightly emotional. i think it's even better than tryin to accommodateto everyone else in the planet. what sort of person are you if youkeep tryin to please everyone? a NOBODY. even if you die, no onecares. your pleasings, your good nature and ultimately your death isswept under dust after a while. cynical but true. nobody remembersdeath. nobody will remember you after you die. maybe temporarily butpeople move on. that's life."
yeappers....well jus reflecting on why i'm being so bitchy...but fuck it...i'm done with that debate for now. man...i've been dealing with this for years now...will there be any closure? it's hard... constantly insecuritites get the better of you and you fall, pick yourself up and harden your heart. why is that so? i really dunno but i'll deal with it all my life... but it's all good =) i think i learn more in some ways.
and i know i've been lamenting how much i want to go back. i realise it's a form of escapism. maybe it's true, not confronting what mess i've got myself into but oh well... i'll make the best out of it, try to be ignorant of a couple of things and right some wrongs before i go back. that's the best i guess. I WILL NOT SAY THAT I WANNA GO HOME...i will say tat no more. i'll look forward to whatever i have.... be it good or bad and face whatever melody, music and trash i have listen to.
OH MY GOSH i tell you blogging is soo addictive, writing makes me think and thinking makes me want to write some more...this is sSOOOOO bad...but fuck it...fuck it...seriously... =)
heheh (my gosh in a span of an hour, i wrote 5 entries...MAN!!!)
(i will no whine n lament how life's bad now...not now....i still have a lifetime to do that...i will try to concentrate on what's in store for me right now...good or bad...i shall be optimistic!)
renzi screams again...
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Tuesday, October 05, 2004
10:26 PM
i miss home
as much as i hate to say this..i really miss singapore. i love my friends here, but i love my friends even more back home. wait did i just say that? maybe jus a proportion of friends. i'm a fuckin loner i think.
i'm a walking contradiction smetimes.
sometimes i want to be in groups and have fun, yet at times i just want to be by myself.
sometimes i want to be single, yet at times i know i love him too much to do so.
sometimes i love to talk to new people, yet at times i think doing that is a complete waste of time.
what's wrong with me? is there a possibility in not sitting on the fence? in my opinion i'm doing that right now.
maybe i'm just plain escaping. period.
renzi screams again...
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what really goes on inside my head?
evil thoughts
sad memories
plots
the "how-to"s
the "what-if"s
what i want to accomplish before i die
buy my own ring
earn at least 10K before i turn 30
support the family
bungee jump and survive
sky dive with someone i love
drop to at least a 47kg
say "i love you" to someone with conviction
reach,according to alvina, sexual peak...HAHAHA
say "i love you" to my parents
go to europe and backpack with someone
plan someone's wedding
make someone's day everyday
perform in at least one musical/play
open my own business (either pecking duck OR bakery)
click below to
contact me
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